DerBopo
A fellow Human
- Jul 3, 2023
- 22
I dont even want to try anymore. I know the pattern, something happens and i run away. That never gets better. Even if it did, i know i still wouldnt want to live in THIS world. Whatever may he true about the afterlife can come. Man my life isnt even that bad, i just wasted all of it. Every opertunity i got I left to rot. All i had to do was work q little, put some effort into it and I didn't. I think thats the reason i hate myself so much. And I'm so addicted to this one person. This person im literally together with but still dont fuckinz understand. I love her so much and yet im stuck, we're incompatible on so many levels and i cant quit. I know it'd be better for us to be seperate but i cant handle that regret, that sorrow. I wish it'd all just end. I dont want to keep trying anymore. Im tired, my mind races thru chaos i cant even begin to organize. It feels as tho i am already dying.
Why does it have to be such a pain. I couldn't even imagine things being better, they never are. Im just less aware of how much the world sucks. Even my closest friend fucking left. She helped me thru everything and i helped her thru everything. All online, nothing but walls of text and exactly when she admited she was heavily suicidal and i admited i am suicidal she dissappeared. No means of contact, i feel like I've lost the person whom most understood me my entire life. I still see all the things i had, i was smart i understood so much that i now cant even begin to comprehend. I was fit well trained, regularly going and now im an overweight fat fuck. It feels like I was so much better before, where did it all go. Did i fucking waste it like i did everything else in my life.
There's so much to live for in my life and yet i still want to die. Is there something wrong with me? Is there a fix im not seeing? Fuck all this. Fuvk figuring shit out i just want it all to stop. Crying doesn't even feel possible. My eyes just shake, my throat closes up like im about to start sobbing or puking. My heart feels so heavy in my chest and even when the sobs come thru my throat just closes and my stomach contracts. Everything tenses and for some moments I can't breath and a little part within me hopes that i wont for good.
i know this is chaos, but thanks for reading it all.
Why does it have to be such a pain. I couldn't even imagine things being better, they never are. Im just less aware of how much the world sucks. Even my closest friend fucking left. She helped me thru everything and i helped her thru everything. All online, nothing but walls of text and exactly when she admited she was heavily suicidal and i admited i am suicidal she dissappeared. No means of contact, i feel like I've lost the person whom most understood me my entire life. I still see all the things i had, i was smart i understood so much that i now cant even begin to comprehend. I was fit well trained, regularly going and now im an overweight fat fuck. It feels like I was so much better before, where did it all go. Did i fucking waste it like i did everything else in my life.
There's so much to live for in my life and yet i still want to die. Is there something wrong with me? Is there a fix im not seeing? Fuck all this. Fuvk figuring shit out i just want it all to stop. Crying doesn't even feel possible. My eyes just shake, my throat closes up like im about to start sobbing or puking. My heart feels so heavy in my chest and even when the sobs come thru my throat just closes and my stomach contracts. Everything tenses and for some moments I can't breath and a little part within me hopes that i wont for good.
i know this is chaos, but thanks for reading it all.
