Venting Thinking to CTB because of money

[GreyCTB]

Everything I have tried has not worked out and I think I will CTB if I can't earn any money soon. Why would I stay when I'm too broke to afford anything. The monetary system is so stupid and even when I try to get hired I always get rejected because I'm socially awkward. I might as well CTB instead of struggling my whole life to earn enough

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do know what you mean. Money is an enormous stressor in life. I'm looking for a new job at the moment too and it just feels hopeless. I don't even want to be a wage slave again. It's not like I'll be supporting a life I want to live. I just feel so resentful for having been born into this rat race.

There's no way I can support myself in old age either. I don't even want to be old. I really hope I can just tread water till I'm at a point where I feel less guilty to leave. (After my Dad has gone.)

I'm socially akward too- the pandemic hasn't helped either. I know what you mean. Life just seems too hard for too little reward. I'm sorry you are stuck in this situation.

 

[peacetime]

What is the problem exactly? Most people don't really get significant amounts of money. I also know a lot of people who get a master's degree but can't get a job at that level, due to social problems, autism or the job market just isn't offering that many positions. So on and so forth. I don't think it's a reason to CTB.

"Earn enough"... adjust your standards, probably.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I have no inspiration to work. Derailed myself to indolence. Can't justify this. Is what it is.

 

[Destiny Calls Me]

Earning enough to survive and earning enough to prosper can be subjective. At the end of the day, I believe, money is the root of all evil.

 

[Forever Sleep]

What is the problem exactly? Most people don't really get significant amounts of money. I also know a lot of people who get a master's degree but can't get a job at that level, due to social problems, autism or the job market just isn't offering that many positions. So on and so forth. I don't think it's a reason to CTB.

"Earn enough"... adjust your standards, probably.

Curious as to your own experience- if you don't mind me asking. Have you had many jobs? Did you enjoy them? Are you working in the sector you originally trained? Do you support yourself financially?

I can't speak for the OP. For my situation: It's maladjusted I realise, but my creative work is my life. I have two BA degrees. I have 11 years experience in my field. Most work is freelance. It was bad before covid. Now, it's worse. In the past, I have tried to get around the precariousness of freelance by going for (and getting) Head of Department roles. These always ended up extremely stressful and working all hours. In restrospect- I should have stuck with the last one but a freelance project came up that was too substancial and exciting to pass over. Consequence of a Head of Department job is- I settled somewhere. Freelance work is few and far between and all over the country. Not impossible but not easy to rent somewhere miles away from your base (with the bills rolling in there too.)

Seems more sensible to find a nearby job now that is more sustainable. I have 11 years experience in a very niche industry and 10 years experience prior to that in retail. (I HATE retail!) So far, the job hunt isn't going well. Also, I feel like I have enough experience to be confident I'm going to hate the job. (If I'm lucky enough to get one.) I know that's not a good attitude- but- there we go.

Of course- I know what the answer is- try and get a normal job and adjust. Find hobbies, make new friends. Sorry- but none of that appeals. I'll do it for now because I'm hanging on for my Dad but I do WANT to CTB ultimately because of money and not finding a job I find fulfilling.

Sorry to sound aggresive but it really gets to me when people start saying what they think is and isn't a 'good enough' reason to CTB. Offer constructive advice- sure. Just bear in mind none of our reasons for wanting to CTB would satisfy SOME people. There are some people out there who could live your life (I expect) and make it work- does that mean you should?

We all have different things that bother us immensely. Even though I may not understand them and they might not understand mine- shouldn't we acknowledge that those problems are bad enough (for that person) to be finding ways to end their life?

 

[BurningMan]

Money is a huge issue at the moment and with everything increasing in price life is becoming unsustainable at the moment. The rich stay rich and the poor stay poorer and that's how the system works. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope you keep trying and I'm sure you'll find your success elsewhere. While people say money doesn't buy happiness it sure helps with dealing with stressors that life holds against us.

 

[peacetime]

Curious as to your own experience- if you don't mind me asking. Have you had many jobs? Did you enjoy them? Are you working in the sector you originally trained? Do you support yourself financially?

The only degree I have completed is high school. Dropped out of a bachelor's degree program twice. Did military conscription. Worked in fast food for a few months, have done some warehouse work. Mostly I've wasted my life depressed at home. If I could do it all over again, I would not have gone to high school, I would have picked up a trade and done a simple low-stress job (of course, now I'm no longer addicted to video games and older so it's easy to see things so differently).

Nothing ever has made me happy, including the money I have received at any point. I was never motivated by money to complete university either. I'm getting older and I have nothing to show for it as far as a career goes. I would have been happier with a simple job. And since I dropped out of university twice, I've of course gone through periods where I feel horrible about it and looked at how others have done; some drop out, some never really get employed for various reasons.

OP's post didn't describe a horrible life to me at all.

 

[Forever Sleep]

The only degree I have completed is high school. Dropped out of a bachelor's degree program twice. Did military conscription. Worked in fast food for a few months, have done some warehouse work. Mostly I've wasted my life depressed at home. If I could do it all over again, I would not have gone to high school, I would have picked up a trade and done a simple low-stress job (of course, now I'm no longer addicted to video games and older so it's easy to see things so differently).

Nothing ever has made me happy, including the money I have received at any point. I was never motivated by money to complete university either. I'm getting older and I have nothing to show for it as far as a career goes. I would have been happier with a simple job. And since I dropped out of university twice, I've of course gone through periods where I feel horrible about it and looked at how others have done; some drop out, some never really get employed for various reasons.

OP's post didn't describe a horrible life to me at all.

Yes, I agree- learning a trade is a very good idea. I kind of wish I'd done that. I did actually apply for an electricians course once. Still, I likely would have hated that also!

I'm sorry you have struggled. I'm guessing you are at least financially supported now? I would just say- not all of us are viable to get benefits and not all people have family who can or want to support them. Some people feel compelled to try and find a job and it can feel terribly depressing and stressful- both trying to find one and then doing the damn thing.

Yes, the OP didn't go into details about how awful things are for them but I would think them seriously considering taking their own life is a good indicator. Sorry again to sound aggresive. I just think everyone here is struggling for various reasons. It can feel pretty undermining for someone to say your struggles aren't valid enough to be feeling like you do.

Still- I also appreciate we all are experiencing varying levels of despair. I dare say my life would look relatively good and hopeful to some folk. To them I'd say- if I could only give it to you- I would! (So long as I don't have to swap! Reckon I wouldn't want anyone elses life.)

 

[GreyCTB]

OP's post didn't describe a horrible life to me at all.

What is the problem exactly? Most people don't really get significant amounts of money. I also know a lot of people who get a master's degree but can't get a job at that level, due to social problems, autism or the job market just isn't offering that many positions. So on and so forth. I don't think it's a reason to CTB.

"Earn enough"... adjust your standards, probably.

Thanks for invalidating me for no reason. I don't even have enough money to go to the dentist to get somewhat urgent issues with my teeth fixed let alone all the bs I had to go through to pay bills the past 4 or so months. I just need enough to survive but it doesn't even feel worth it when you have to struggle constantly and idc what anybody thinks of that.

It's really not nice to assume things and invalidate someone's problems/feelings on a suicide forum. For some people this is the only place where they can vent about whatever they want without getting judged you know

 

[Cathy Ames]

I don't even have enough money to go to the dentist to get somewhat urgent issues with my teeth fixed let alone all the bs I had to go through to pay bills the past 4 or so months. I just need enough to survive but it doesn't even feel worth it when you have to struggle constantly and idc what anybody thinks of that.

I feel this. I'm sorry that you were invalidated on your own thread. I appreciate your taking the high ground and not returning the favor. You're a good person. I hope things can improve for you.

 

[western_heart]

Only speaking for myself here, but having a relatively high standard of living is important to me. For the moment I live comfortably but I'd rather be dead than miserable with no hope of improving. I do not want to suffer. I depend on technology to cope with dissociation, need modern conveniences to stay comfortable. I can't eat a lot of normal foods so my groceries are expensive. I struggle to maintain a healthy weight and my digestion shuts down when I'm stressed. I get stressed out in loud environments or when there's too many people around, and sunlight is important to me, so I live in a quiet apartment with big windows in the suburbs.
Coping with CPTSD is expensive for me to do.

I'm running out of money after losing my last job & whenever I think about getting another job, the barriers in my head come up. I hate that so many of the jobs in my field are high stress and high expectation. There's little work in the middle. Going back to my parents house is an option but I'd be so miserable living in that basement again. I could scrape by in poverty but I'd rather not.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings of wishing to be free from this world are understandable, as life really can be so torturous when you are trapped in a situation where you have to endlessly struggle. No wonder so many wish to ctb in a world as cruel as this, as the reality is that there is simply nothing fair about any of this.