comeoutandhauntme
all that i can, i will do <3
- Feb 10, 2026
- 92
i vaguely rambled abt this last night while drunk but it's really been upsetting and getting to me today so i'm wanting to give a more coherent rant.
the past few months, rlly since january, i'd say have prbly been the most suicidal i've ever been in the ~8yrs i've been so. i felt as tho everything was going wrong. my future looked, to me, bleak and hopeless. i was taking only one class in college and still failing it, partially bc i planned to ctb but also partially bc my executive dysfunction and will to do important tasks has gotten significantly worse the past year or so. i was also in the midst of applying to programs for my career and felt as tho i had a very slim chance of getting it- i was applying to only a few very competitive programs and my stats weren't the best.
i was (and am) suicidal for multiple reasons, but one of the biggest and most obvious stressors to me was the fact i truly believed i had ruined my future/had no chance of one. if i could barely function in school and didn't care enough to put in too much effort to apply to these programs that would greatly affect the rest of my life, there was no WAY i'd get into one, and then what?
and then yesterday i unexpectedly got off the waitlist from my top choice school into the program i wanted. it felt like what should've been the last piece of my life clicking into place. i've secured a spot at a good program, that's financially affordable, that will set me up for the career i would do for the rest of my life. and besides that, the rest of my life is all objectively great right now. i just got promoted at my job and am doing well and making really good money for my age, it's summer, i have some amazing friends, etc etc.
but the thing is? i still feel miserable. i still would rather be dead. i can't ever think of a time before that my life was so clearly laid out for me and set up to be successful like this, like in high school or wtv there was always something "wrong" with my external life. so i guess i always had this notion in my head that maybe id everything in life clicked into place i could finally be happy. and now that moment is here, and i feel just the same as always. actually, i've been so upset these past 24hours that this didn't fix anything for me that i honestly feel way WORSE than normal.
idk. my life is very good right now and i have so many things to be happy and grateful for, and yet i'm still selfishly so sad and all i wanna do is ctb. just wishing i could be normal is all but clearly the problem is me
the past few months, rlly since january, i'd say have prbly been the most suicidal i've ever been in the ~8yrs i've been so. i felt as tho everything was going wrong. my future looked, to me, bleak and hopeless. i was taking only one class in college and still failing it, partially bc i planned to ctb but also partially bc my executive dysfunction and will to do important tasks has gotten significantly worse the past year or so. i was also in the midst of applying to programs for my career and felt as tho i had a very slim chance of getting it- i was applying to only a few very competitive programs and my stats weren't the best.
i was (and am) suicidal for multiple reasons, but one of the biggest and most obvious stressors to me was the fact i truly believed i had ruined my future/had no chance of one. if i could barely function in school and didn't care enough to put in too much effort to apply to these programs that would greatly affect the rest of my life, there was no WAY i'd get into one, and then what?
and then yesterday i unexpectedly got off the waitlist from my top choice school into the program i wanted. it felt like what should've been the last piece of my life clicking into place. i've secured a spot at a good program, that's financially affordable, that will set me up for the career i would do for the rest of my life. and besides that, the rest of my life is all objectively great right now. i just got promoted at my job and am doing well and making really good money for my age, it's summer, i have some amazing friends, etc etc.
but the thing is? i still feel miserable. i still would rather be dead. i can't ever think of a time before that my life was so clearly laid out for me and set up to be successful like this, like in high school or wtv there was always something "wrong" with my external life. so i guess i always had this notion in my head that maybe id everything in life clicked into place i could finally be happy. and now that moment is here, and i feel just the same as always. actually, i've been so upset these past 24hours that this didn't fix anything for me that i honestly feel way WORSE than normal.
idk. my life is very good right now and i have so many things to be happy and grateful for, and yet i'm still selfishly so sad and all i wanna do is ctb. just wishing i could be normal is all but clearly the problem is me
