Sakura.
NienawidzÄ™ siebie.
- May 1, 2024
- 250
This morning I realized that today is the penultimate day I've lived in the big city where I've spent almost five years. Tomorrow will be my last day there, and the day after tomorrow I'll move out and leave it forever. I'll spend the rest of my life where I spent the previous 20 years: in a very small village, completely cut off from the rest of the world. In the past, I thought I'd want to make the most of these last days here, devoting them entirely to walks—the only activity I was able to engage in there, but unfortunately, that's not the case. The pain and suffering caused by facing reality, by watching all these wonderful, beautiful people befriend each other and enjoy their lives while I'm their complete opposite, is so excruciating that I can't even go out into the street. Even under these circumstances, where it truly is my last chance in life, I can't do it.
This is the end of my life living in the big city. It's the end of my studies, and it's the end of my youth. But for now, I'd like to focus on the first of these things. It's the end of all the theoretical opportunities that life in the big city offered me. I never had the opportunity to take advantage of any of these theoretical opportunities. But it's still sad that even these theoretical opportunities are ending.
I'm not a demanding person. I don't need a career, I don't need success, I don't need money, I don't need any luxuries. I just want people. Of course, the best thing would probably be to be a beautiful girl and be the princess at school or university that everyone adores, that everyone wants to be friends with, that everyone wants to talk to and spend time with. And I know that even if my life were normal, I would regret precisely that it's not as perfect as I've just presented. But in my current situation, just one person would be enough for me. Perhaps I wouldn't even need friends with whom I would only maintain empty relationships. Just one very valuable, deep, emotional, committed friendship would be enough for me. Just one person would be enough to completely change my life. One person would suddenly make everything in my life possible. But even one friendship is impossible. And it never has been in almost 25 years of my life.
And now it never will be. If it were possible, there's been time for it for the last five years. There was a time when I studied with 160 people for five years, and not a single one of them wanted to be my friend. There was a time when I studied a different program for a year and a half with about 260 people, and not a single one wanted to be my friend. There was a time when I studied in a university town with hundreds of thousands of young people, and I never found a single person who wanted to be my friend.
There was time to find such a person for the past five years. For the past five years, I lived in a place where I could practically travel anywhere in my country. So I could find a friend anywhere in my country, even extremely remote ones, and still be friends with them. Now that will no longer be possible. Now I'll never be able to travel to anyone again, even if I did find someone. I couldn't find anyone in a country of 40 million people, across 300,000 square kilometers, in a city of 700,000. Now I'll be limited to a city of about 7,000 residents and the surrounding villages, where for all these past 20 years, none of my peers have treated me as a human being, and now they certainly won't be friends with me.
I'll never be able to travel anywhere again. Not that I have anyone or anywhere to go, but that theoretical possibility still offered me something. Now I'll be deprived of it. From my hometown, I had a real opportunity to travel anywhere in my country. Now I won't have any way to go anywhere. Even going to my hometown won't be that easy, and I'll certainly never have the opportunity to go anywhere else.
I wouldn't even have the opportunity to travel anywhere now for financial reasons. Until now, as a student, I'd only paid half the price of each train ticket for those five years, which wasn't exactly cheap. Now I'll always have to pay the full price of the ticket, which will be a staggering amount. And the fact that I'll be working and earning money after graduation won't change that. Regardless, these prices will still be unacceptably high, and the psychological barrier will make it impossible for me to afford them.
I remember many of my peers applying for European student cards when they started university so they could take advantage of discounts abroad, which they took full advantage of, constantly traveling with their friends. I didn't even have to consider getting one, because it was obvious I wouldn't be able to use it. Those five years of discounts were a gift from the government so that young people could travel everywhere for little money and thus live life to the fullest. I never had the opportunity to take advantage of it.
I'm not a demanding person. In January, a professor at my university, who had more friendly relationships with us in his classes, asked us about our future dreams. He asked us about our career plans. One person said they wanted to be a judge, another a legal counsel, but I thought:
"Having a friend and going to anime conventions with them."
And that would be enough for me. I don't want anything. I just wish I could be truly friends with even one person, I just wish I could talk to someone and spend time together doing various activities. But even that's impossible.
Even in this respect, I'm missing out on another theoretical opportunity. I remember when, in January 2024, a year after I discovered visual novels and anime and fell in love with Japan (though I couldn't read or watch them due to my mental state), I thought I might start reading manga. It's a very personal matter. I can still recall the memories of finding libraries in my big city that had manga. I remember how I felt when I picked up the first copies, when I sorted through those mere two shelves and chose my first five manga, when a few days later that winter I rode my bike to borrow my next twenty manga from two libraries, and how happy I felt. Of course, my mental state immediately took over and cut short my dreams, and the following month, I unfortunately read the last manga of my life. But once again, this is just another theoretical possibility that will be taken away from me. I'll never again have even the theoretical opportunity to read manga. Again, manga are incredibly expensive. Borrowing manga from the library is one thing, buying it for a hefty sum is quite another. No matter how much I earn, it won't be possible.
It's a similar story with other libraries, especially my university library. Again, my mental state prevented me from reading these books, but I still wish I had the opportunity. There were so many incredibly valuable titles there, but I couldn't read any of them.
I remember once, for study reasons, reading a book about suicide in that library. At one point, two friends, a girl and a boy, caught my eye. The girl was very confident, but at one point she stopped her male friend because of the category of the books in that section: "Communism, socialism. I'm going there!" I heard she planned to read these books when she was on vacation and had so much free time. I wish I could look good like her, be able to function normally in reality like her, have friends, and be accepted by others. I'd also like to be in such a good life situation that I could have something to do with my vacations and spend them pleasantly, unlike me, who always worked through them completely, which was a form of self-harm because I had nothing to do with them. But what's striking to me here is that I never had the opportunity in my life to, for example, support an ideology like communism or any other, like she did. I never even had the opportunity to make any of the mistakes of my youth. I never even had the opportunity to, for example, start smoking, start a relationship with the wrong person, party all night with friends, focus on fun and entertainment, and thus neglect school or work.
All of this was impossible for me. Nothing in my life is possible.
This is the end of my life living in the big city. It's the end of my studies, and it's the end of my youth. But for now, I'd like to focus on the first of these things. It's the end of all the theoretical opportunities that life in the big city offered me. I never had the opportunity to take advantage of any of these theoretical opportunities. But it's still sad that even these theoretical opportunities are ending.
I'm not a demanding person. I don't need a career, I don't need success, I don't need money, I don't need any luxuries. I just want people. Of course, the best thing would probably be to be a beautiful girl and be the princess at school or university that everyone adores, that everyone wants to be friends with, that everyone wants to talk to and spend time with. And I know that even if my life were normal, I would regret precisely that it's not as perfect as I've just presented. But in my current situation, just one person would be enough for me. Perhaps I wouldn't even need friends with whom I would only maintain empty relationships. Just one very valuable, deep, emotional, committed friendship would be enough for me. Just one person would be enough to completely change my life. One person would suddenly make everything in my life possible. But even one friendship is impossible. And it never has been in almost 25 years of my life.
And now it never will be. If it were possible, there's been time for it for the last five years. There was a time when I studied with 160 people for five years, and not a single one of them wanted to be my friend. There was a time when I studied a different program for a year and a half with about 260 people, and not a single one wanted to be my friend. There was a time when I studied in a university town with hundreds of thousands of young people, and I never found a single person who wanted to be my friend.
There was time to find such a person for the past five years. For the past five years, I lived in a place where I could practically travel anywhere in my country. So I could find a friend anywhere in my country, even extremely remote ones, and still be friends with them. Now that will no longer be possible. Now I'll never be able to travel to anyone again, even if I did find someone. I couldn't find anyone in a country of 40 million people, across 300,000 square kilometers, in a city of 700,000. Now I'll be limited to a city of about 7,000 residents and the surrounding villages, where for all these past 20 years, none of my peers have treated me as a human being, and now they certainly won't be friends with me.
I'll never be able to travel anywhere again. Not that I have anyone or anywhere to go, but that theoretical possibility still offered me something. Now I'll be deprived of it. From my hometown, I had a real opportunity to travel anywhere in my country. Now I won't have any way to go anywhere. Even going to my hometown won't be that easy, and I'll certainly never have the opportunity to go anywhere else.
I wouldn't even have the opportunity to travel anywhere now for financial reasons. Until now, as a student, I'd only paid half the price of each train ticket for those five years, which wasn't exactly cheap. Now I'll always have to pay the full price of the ticket, which will be a staggering amount. And the fact that I'll be working and earning money after graduation won't change that. Regardless, these prices will still be unacceptably high, and the psychological barrier will make it impossible for me to afford them.
I remember many of my peers applying for European student cards when they started university so they could take advantage of discounts abroad, which they took full advantage of, constantly traveling with their friends. I didn't even have to consider getting one, because it was obvious I wouldn't be able to use it. Those five years of discounts were a gift from the government so that young people could travel everywhere for little money and thus live life to the fullest. I never had the opportunity to take advantage of it.
I'm not a demanding person. In January, a professor at my university, who had more friendly relationships with us in his classes, asked us about our future dreams. He asked us about our career plans. One person said they wanted to be a judge, another a legal counsel, but I thought:
"Having a friend and going to anime conventions with them."
And that would be enough for me. I don't want anything. I just wish I could be truly friends with even one person, I just wish I could talk to someone and spend time together doing various activities. But even that's impossible.
Even in this respect, I'm missing out on another theoretical opportunity. I remember when, in January 2024, a year after I discovered visual novels and anime and fell in love with Japan (though I couldn't read or watch them due to my mental state), I thought I might start reading manga. It's a very personal matter. I can still recall the memories of finding libraries in my big city that had manga. I remember how I felt when I picked up the first copies, when I sorted through those mere two shelves and chose my first five manga, when a few days later that winter I rode my bike to borrow my next twenty manga from two libraries, and how happy I felt. Of course, my mental state immediately took over and cut short my dreams, and the following month, I unfortunately read the last manga of my life. But once again, this is just another theoretical possibility that will be taken away from me. I'll never again have even the theoretical opportunity to read manga. Again, manga are incredibly expensive. Borrowing manga from the library is one thing, buying it for a hefty sum is quite another. No matter how much I earn, it won't be possible.
It's a similar story with other libraries, especially my university library. Again, my mental state prevented me from reading these books, but I still wish I had the opportunity. There were so many incredibly valuable titles there, but I couldn't read any of them.
I remember once, for study reasons, reading a book about suicide in that library. At one point, two friends, a girl and a boy, caught my eye. The girl was very confident, but at one point she stopped her male friend because of the category of the books in that section: "Communism, socialism. I'm going there!" I heard she planned to read these books when she was on vacation and had so much free time. I wish I could look good like her, be able to function normally in reality like her, have friends, and be accepted by others. I'd also like to be in such a good life situation that I could have something to do with my vacations and spend them pleasantly, unlike me, who always worked through them completely, which was a form of self-harm because I had nothing to do with them. But what's striking to me here is that I never had the opportunity in my life to, for example, support an ideology like communism or any other, like she did. I never even had the opportunity to make any of the mistakes of my youth. I never even had the opportunity to, for example, start smoking, start a relationship with the wrong person, party all night with friends, focus on fun and entertainment, and thus neglect school or work.
All of this was impossible for me. Nothing in my life is possible.
