Venting the perspective of life as if i cant control it

[hiding the roses]

life feels more like a movie day after day, as if ive watched the same moments replay in my head everytime, with minor change or a horribly disgusting twist being written into a script that should never see the light of day

its like i remember everything, deja vu happens nearly everyday now. my daily life is the same, with shit coming in from nowhere as if just to ruin my day, to make someone watching laugh hysterically. posting on this site makes me feel worse but not venting or saying anything because i am a loner feels even more terrible

i cant imagine a life where i truly become happy enough to stop thinking about suicide, therapy has never helped and bpd would just cause me to be alone without a care in the world, always yearning for a relationship i could not handle.

my last attempt never ended up working because im too stupid to source anything and too afraid of ruining someone elses life

i shouldve never been born, or i shouldve tried harder in my life to do something, to be more outgoing so i wouldve not manifested this horrible mind

ignore me and my head because its just the ramblings of an anxious mess who cant talk to save his life

 

[DeathSweetDeath]