The first day that the fear got replaced with confidence

[Traveller12724]

For a month now I have been mentally rehearsing how my SN day will go when it comes around towards the end of the year, every time I would get to the drinking part, I would get paralyzed by fear mentally but today it was different, in the rehearsal when it got to the drinking part, there was no fear, simply acceptance, acceptance that there is nothing more I could have done, acceptance that I am too broken and I actually never stood a chance in all my attempts to save myself and try to turn myself for the better.

11 years fighting to save myself, I think I deserve some rest and relief, I am glad my mind is reaching acceptance, my final day doesn't have to be this big scary thing, I can walk into it calmly, endure what needs enduring and finally find the freedom I have sought all my life. I may not deserve much in this life but I think I deserve at least that.

 

[LaughingGoat]

Visualization is such a powerful tool to work towards acceptance and confront SI. Good to hear you're centered with your decision.

 

[EternalSummer]

Hey but since you already found peace in CTB, maybe you can live life with a complete sense of freedom, do everything you were afraid of, if it doesnt work, you will still be able to ctb.

 

[FuneralCry]

I imagine it must be a relief to feel in such a way, it sounds like you've suffered a lot. But anyway I hope that you find the freedom you search for, best wishes.