Venting Suicide

[wavelength]

Things become so much more real when you say them aloud. They become so much harder to face and so much more present. When something is said aloud, it echos. It's there for a mere moment before its gone; in that moment there is so much opportunity. There is so much chance, so many things that might happen. And yet people still choose to stay silent. Perhaps it's because theyre afraid. I know I am. A little over a year ago I took my first overdose - my first attempt at suicide. Before I did it I had never said it aloud. I think thats because I thought that if i did, then it would never happen. Granted, it failed, but the principle is nearly the same. Only a few days after that, when my second overdose landed me in hospital, I said it for the first time. I said that I was trying to kill myself. Maybe I shouldve never tried. Maybe I shouldve let the pills do their work and silently kill me. Every day I debate What Could Have Happened, and rarely ever do I take a second to pause and reflect on what actually has taken place since then. Two more suicide attempts later, I'm once again planning how to leave. In all honesty, I don't know why I want to die. I think it's the only thing that makes sense to me. A lot of people think that those of us that are suicidal can't see a future for ourselves. But, I can imagine a life where I live past these years. I'm not sure it counts though. It's more of a dream. A dream of what I wish could happen, but I know cant be true. Does that mean it's worthless to try? I'm not so sure. Is there even any point? Almost everything I do is a precaution. 'Just In Case It Doesn't Work'. That's what I keep telling myself. Does that mean I don't want it to work? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Everythings blurry. The only things I remember clearly are the things I don't want to. If it's painful to live, why aren't we allowed to die? I know paracetamol overdoses have a low success rate. I know it and I've lived it. I can't help but hope. Maybe this time I'll take enough. I am yet to decide on a date - my girlfriend's birthday is soon and I don't want to spoil it. I know it has to be soon. My therapist is considering admitting me and I know i wont get a chance afterwards. Maybe I want to die, but maybe there's a part of me that's not ready yet.