Suicidal Thoughts Feel Like Clarity

[SuicIdiot]

A therapist told me before that when "loud and intrusive suicidal thoughts" come, it was just a rogue thing from my past. And I needed to just accept it as a sucky, but temporary, moment and then it would move on. But I don't know, when I feel like killing myself or hurting myself, I don't feel confused. I feel calm and like I'm thinking clearly again. If trying to be healthy and coping is so hard, why do I keep doing it? What's the point. The simplest explanation is usually right. And the simple explanation is I just need to stop waiting and kill myself already. I bring everyone into my shit and scare them because I say the suicidal thoughts. I say "I want to get the gun in the other room and shoot myself." People don't like that. But maybe who cares. Those thoughts are crystal clear and play on a loop. They're real and I don't have to try to find some backwards, childhood trauma, life excuse to validate them. I can just accept them for what they are. Truth. Idk. The fight gets too hard. I'm back to looking at ctb plans again.

 

[ValkyrieCain]

I understand you, there's even a peacefulness that comes with it, that just ending your life right there would bring you peace. Sometimes when the thoughts come I just find myself agreeing with it; sometimes its an internal conflict but at times it just feels rational even thou the thoughts are very irrational it feels like its something I truly wanna do, and once I agree with the thoughts I start carrying out the steps required to actually kill myself, but in the end it either ends up with me failing and instead harming myself on the inside or physically on the outside or me just chickening out at the last minute. Even thou I be set on the notion of carrying it out. feels like lifelong internal battle

 

[SuicIdiot]

I understand you, there's even a peacefulness that comes with it, that just ending your life right there would bring you peace. Sometimes when the thoughts come I just find myself agreeing with it; sometimes its an internal conflict but at times it just feels rational even thou the thoughts are very irrational it feels like its something I truly wanna do, and once I agree with the thoughts I start carrying out the steps required to actually kill myself, but in the end it either ends up with me failing and instead harming myself on the inside or physically on the outside or me just chickening out at the last minute. Even thou I be set on the notion of carrying it out. feels like lifelong internal battle

Yes! Like sometimes when I want to but I don't want to, it feels like at least I would have an answer. Instead of this false hope that one day it's could be better, I have a thought process that has real steps and real results. Not fighting it can be freeing.