eggsausagerice
last chance for cake!
- Apr 21, 2025
- 1,380
this is venting!1!!1!1!! i don't want advice!! all my posts are fruitless melancholic whining and i don't want logical people to tell me to eat better or sleep more.
tomorrow i'm going to a used bookstore, i have to do a driving lesson, and i'm going an end of the year orchestra recital at my community college. fun. i would have fun doing those things. but also it's like, i want go to the forest and tie a noose because i'm sad tonight and i took nyquill to try and avoid insomnia like how it was the past 2 nights. i just want to drop dead and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me, and there. i want to die no matter what i do and next month i'm going to try to kill myself. if i'm alive to see christmas i'll have a mental breakdown. every night ends with me wishing i was dead.
i dislike this website but i still find myself going on it when i feel miserable because no place's userbase is as good as articulating their misery as sasu. it's addicting. having friends from here just made me more mentally ill in retrospective, but i'm still mentally ill and i still have friends that deal with depression. suicidal depression is just a different beast. it's just kind of draining to have to exist as someone with plans to kill themselves and to talk to other people that plan to do it too. i think about dying to spare the remaining people in my life the trouble having to listen to me talk when the things i say don't matter.
having these activities is fun and all, even if i still hate myself. i'll probably ride my bike, too. i have allergies right now so i'll make my cold worse if i go out. but it's like, i still know how a noose looks and i still remember all the times i cried because i wanted to kill myself so badly but i was scared because i didn't feel brave enough to get off the stool. i remember feeling sick to my stomach having to stop myself because i was worried about being caught. all those attempts weren't real attempts. i didn't get close to killing myself at all. i never even passed out. i just kept on making myself lightheaded and failed partial suspension over and over. i didn't want to put in the work to die because i wasn't ready yet.
i desperately want the suicidal ideation to have a conclusion. i want to be dead sometime in december. i keep needing to tell myself to not bring it up around people i'm making my "goodbye" plans with, because i can't bring up that this will be the last time i plan on seeing them. it feels good to be a little more active these days but it still feels like it doesn't matter, because my parents still want to control everything i do and i'll never find the money to move out. i can't afford to live in a dorm or an apartment, but i really want to live in a different city because the public transportation here made me want to kill myself since moving to houston in high school. i think that all the driving makes the people that live here miserable, but they keep living here because they can't afford to leave. i think i'd become homeless if it meant i could leave this nowhereville city and go someplace else. it's a bummer to want to leave your house and the only way to do that is by car. there's no other way to leave and you have to stay at home otherwise like a dog. a lot of people can't understand my situation at all and how it makes people see you as someone that wants to take advantage of them than be their friend. i want to be people's friends, but i also want the freedom to leave my house.
i'm tired of being dependent on my parents. i'm just going to keep being dependent on them even if i get a license and a job, since i'll be spending most of my time saving money and trying to avoid getting kicked out. me and my sister are both sick of our parents but she's doing significantly better mentally than me. i cope really badly and just have the urge to overthink or cowering and covering my face whenever i feel anxious or feel like someone's being aggressive towards me. it's very hard for me to function in isolation and i know that my mom likes when i lose the willpower to do anything and sit in my room sleeping or watching youtube videos, because "it's better for me that way". i wish that my mom would just die. i hate her. i don't have any intention of making my life better. i don't want my life to keep being fucked up because i'm fucked up. even if everything is okay i just wake up extremely depressed because there's no reason for me to be alive at any given moment. i'm overly aware that me being conscious and not dead has no impact on anyone's lives.
tomorrow i'm going to a used bookstore, i have to do a driving lesson, and i'm going an end of the year orchestra recital at my community college. fun. i would have fun doing those things. but also it's like, i want go to the forest and tie a noose because i'm sad tonight and i took nyquill to try and avoid insomnia like how it was the past 2 nights. i just want to drop dead and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me, and there. i want to die no matter what i do and next month i'm going to try to kill myself. if i'm alive to see christmas i'll have a mental breakdown. every night ends with me wishing i was dead.
i dislike this website but i still find myself going on it when i feel miserable because no place's userbase is as good as articulating their misery as sasu. it's addicting. having friends from here just made me more mentally ill in retrospective, but i'm still mentally ill and i still have friends that deal with depression. suicidal depression is just a different beast. it's just kind of draining to have to exist as someone with plans to kill themselves and to talk to other people that plan to do it too. i think about dying to spare the remaining people in my life the trouble having to listen to me talk when the things i say don't matter.
having these activities is fun and all, even if i still hate myself. i'll probably ride my bike, too. i have allergies right now so i'll make my cold worse if i go out. but it's like, i still know how a noose looks and i still remember all the times i cried because i wanted to kill myself so badly but i was scared because i didn't feel brave enough to get off the stool. i remember feeling sick to my stomach having to stop myself because i was worried about being caught. all those attempts weren't real attempts. i didn't get close to killing myself at all. i never even passed out. i just kept on making myself lightheaded and failed partial suspension over and over. i didn't want to put in the work to die because i wasn't ready yet.
i desperately want the suicidal ideation to have a conclusion. i want to be dead sometime in december. i keep needing to tell myself to not bring it up around people i'm making my "goodbye" plans with, because i can't bring up that this will be the last time i plan on seeing them. it feels good to be a little more active these days but it still feels like it doesn't matter, because my parents still want to control everything i do and i'll never find the money to move out. i can't afford to live in a dorm or an apartment, but i really want to live in a different city because the public transportation here made me want to kill myself since moving to houston in high school. i think that all the driving makes the people that live here miserable, but they keep living here because they can't afford to leave. i think i'd become homeless if it meant i could leave this nowhereville city and go someplace else. it's a bummer to want to leave your house and the only way to do that is by car. there's no other way to leave and you have to stay at home otherwise like a dog. a lot of people can't understand my situation at all and how it makes people see you as someone that wants to take advantage of them than be their friend. i want to be people's friends, but i also want the freedom to leave my house.
i'm tired of being dependent on my parents. i'm just going to keep being dependent on them even if i get a license and a job, since i'll be spending most of my time saving money and trying to avoid getting kicked out. me and my sister are both sick of our parents but she's doing significantly better mentally than me. i cope really badly and just have the urge to overthink or cowering and covering my face whenever i feel anxious or feel like someone's being aggressive towards me. it's very hard for me to function in isolation and i know that my mom likes when i lose the willpower to do anything and sit in my room sleeping or watching youtube videos, because "it's better for me that way". i wish that my mom would just die. i hate her. i don't have any intention of making my life better. i don't want my life to keep being fucked up because i'm fucked up. even if everything is okay i just wake up extremely depressed because there's no reason for me to be alive at any given moment. i'm overly aware that me being conscious and not dead has no impact on anyone's lives.
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