Stuck in limbo and it’s torture

[CravingPeace]

I feel like a fool. I'm mindlessly holding out hope that my life will improve but I am doing nothing for that to happen. I want to get better, but I also don't want to/can't do the things I need to do to get better. So every day is just full of shame from inaction and a strong desire to leave, but yet I can't even act on that.

I'm stuck in this tortuous limbo stage and I want out of it so badly.

 

[rs929]

I feel you. Its like being trapped. You don't want to live, but you don't want to die.
In my case the meds and the therapy at least make living less unsufferable. Is there anything you can do to feel a bit better?

 

[CravingPeace]

I feel you. Its like being trapped. You don't want to live, but you don't want to die.
In my case the meds and the therapy at least make living less unsufferable. Is there anything you can do to feel a bit better?

I'm taking the meds, I'm in the therapy. When I get home from work I've just been rotting in bed. I want to cry right now but I feel like I don't have the ability to. I feel like I'm in an endless cycle of suffering, regret, and shame.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Fuck, I feel this too. Somehow I'm "better" and less suicidal than a couple of months ago, but just typing the words "couple of months ago" feels so fucking heavy. My life isn't that bad, I've still got most of my friends and haven't messed up what little work comes my way, but I don't want to get better. I don't want to do all that work, I've done it before, it took me years to be back in a place where I felt I was building something and m making progress...and it all unraveled when she left.

I don't want meds. I don't want therapy. I don't want to try again. I want life to give me back what I worked for, things to go my way for a change, not this fucking endless cycle of trauma and healing just to end up with half of what I want. Unfortunately I can't bring myself to ctb just yet, I can't do it to my mother, specially now that her siblings are in such poor health. But every day I curse the moment I wake up. You said it, limbo.

 

[CravingPeace]

Fuck, I feel this too. Somehow I'm "better" and less suicidal than a couple of months ago, but just typing the words "couple of months ago" feels so fucking heavy. My life isn't that bad, I've still got most of my friends and haven't messed up what little work comes my way, but I don't want to get better. I don't want to do all that work, I've done it before, it took me years to be back in a place where I felt I was building something and m making progress...and it all unraveled when she left.

I don't want meds. I don't want therapy. I don't want to try again. I want life to give me back what I worked for, things to go my way for a change, not this fucking endless cycle of trauma and healing just to end up with half of what I want. Unfortunately I can't bring myself to ctb just yet, I can't do it to my mother, specially now that her siblings are in such poor health. But every day I curse the moment I wake up. You said it, limbo.

My psychosis episode in 2020-2021 has broken my brain. I feel like a chunk of it is missing. Psychosis literally causes brain decay. No matter how much I work, how much I try, I will never be able to get back to even the sub-par life I was living before. It feels silly to even try.

I have therapy tomorrow and plan to bring this all up without hinting towards CTB. Hopefully something clicks. But I am really reaching my wits end. I can't expect myself to continue living through this daily tortuous cycle. I'm rotting away.

 

[Hollowman]

I let my limbo state go on for way too long. I've been trying to wait out my mom. There's no shame, guilt or any other emotion left. I'm dead inside. Wish I would've ctb decades ago.

 

[MathConspiracy]

I'm stuck in the limbo and will always be. I just went through a better phase for about a week during which I really got enjoyment from my creative work. Yesterday I felt it all crash and now I'm sinking back into this darkness. I'm still trying to fight it, trying to activate myself. I don't want to be depressed again.

People have tried to make me go see a shrink. Not my thing, really. I have no motivation for treatment, it'd be just a waste of money.

Days go by and nothing changes. I fidget with my rope and attempt partial half seriously but nothing ever happens. When a car passes by, I wish that it'd slam into me. I wish my food was poisoned.

But it's one against 8 billion. And 99% of those eight billion want to forcibly keep me here.

 

[CravingPeace]

I'm stuck in the limbo and will always be. I just went through a better phase for about a week during which I really got enjoyment from my creative work. Yesterday I felt it all crash and now I'm sinking back into this darkness. I'm still trying to fight it, trying to activate myself. I don't want to be depressed again.

People have tried to make me go see a shrink. Not my thing, really. I have no motivation for treatment, it'd be just a waste of money.

Days go by and nothing changes. I fidget with my rope and attempt partial half seriously but nothing ever happens. When a car passes by, I wish that it'd slam into me. I wish my food was poisoned.

But it's one against 8 billion. And 99% of those eight billion want to forcibly keep me here.

It's like treading water in the ocean. My efforts to better myself only bring me a little closer to shore, but any pause in action and I drift further out to sea. I just don't have the energy to put effort in 100% of the time, and the result is getting pulled further and further in. I'm going to drown.

 

[Ashes of a Dreamer]

There are two options: gather some energy to make a move to live - accepting the circumstances you're in - or to die - denying them. Doing nothing will expand the time you're in the limbo, and it's an adviser for myself, who sometimes think that sleeping many hours will solve anything - it won't neither for the directions. I know, it's horrible, but there isn't an easy out.