Discussion Still haven’t CTB?? What’s stopping YOU?

[Finallyhere]

Haven't done it cuz I'm afraid of becoming paralyzed from it. I already feel like I've sustained brain damage from my attempts.

Plus I wouldn't want to traumatize my family. They're already struggling to survive and want me to be with them throughout the struggle.

 

[meowcat]

Idk really. I have money for N or whatever else I want to do, I just feel like I am procrastinating the same way I always did with everything in life. I think I am also going to need one final wallop in the balls (ie. life kicking my ass) before I have fully had enough.

Same here.One more time life kicking my ass

 

[rabid_squirrel]

If I had N,I'd be dead by now.I have failed attempts before which have left permanent brain and physical damages to me.
I dread failures,I don't want to end up brain dead or being paralyzed,or having any other horrible conditions.Also tbh I'm not a brave person,I just can't stand a painful death

 

[TAW122]

I still have some preparations to make, mustering the courage to go through, and of course, finding the right place and time as well as other factors (catalysts and what not) before I go through with it.

 

[Skathon]

I am waiting for the right time; I do not wish to ruin my mother's life even more.

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

I'm here because my parents have a college fund set for me, and are basically pushing me to stay in a dorm, so I figure I might as well experience life away from my family, since they want me to do it anyway. Also, I wouldn't want my acquaintances and friends to discover I'm dead and have to deal with that.

 

[cap]

I'm a coward :d

 

[Cody111]

Whats stopping me...
The fear...
The fear of failure. The fear that ill wake up in a state worse than i currently am.

This isnt somthing thats come out of nowhere, this feeling has been building for many years as the quality of life starts to curve downwards. The outlook of that happy perfect future slipping beyond the horizon. Ive known this is what i want for longer than id like to admit. But i suppressed those feelings and went through each day not living, just existing.

Now i can sense the time is drawing closer. Ive never been anxious before until i realised that i have no solid way out. No backed guarentee that once i do it there will be no turning back and now im stuck in limbo unable to leave and unwilling to go on. Forced to participate in this game of life that i so long ago gave up on, i must continue to roll the dice each turn until an option is availible... the whole thing drives me crazy, pushing me to look for answers that i cant seem to find. Will this work, how do i find this, what are the issues, will it be quick, will it be painful. These increase my anxiety making it harder to be a part of everyday life, in a never ending loop spiraling downwards. I know how this ends. Just not sure when.

Ctb doesnt scare me, infact i embrace the thought and feeling.
Failing... failing is what keeps me here...

 

[wxtyubidi7y]

It's hard to get antiemetics. I have tried and they were seized at the border. And my doctor knows I am a depressed suicidal drug abusing person.

 

[2ISAB]

I'm still here with great thanks to everyone on this site and the chat rooms. I'm hoping for a new dose of super strength hope.

Be safe

 

[longingforrelease]

I share the same concerns and have the same fears as some others have mentioned here. For me the PRIMARY obstacle is the impact my death would have on my 10 year old daughter. I think about that more than any other issue. Relatedly, I must look for a method that will look accidental (so as to possibly lessen the trauma for my daughter) but also be relatively painless and of course reliable. I've been leaning to SWB as a method, but there's more research for me to do on that method. I also have other things to take care of. One of the best suggestions I got here was that since I need to make it look accidental I can't write a goodbye/explanatory note to my daughter. The solution suggested to me is begin a journal in which I write down all the feelings I have about her, how much I've loved her, how much joy she brought me, how sorry I was that I had to move so far away from her, etc. I'm doing that so it will take some time before I will have said all the things I want her to know.

 

[Going Home]

When the timing is right it will happen. The timing, having everything I need and the right mood. All the rights have to be in play then it will probably be spontaneous, quick.

 

[ChickenAndPotatoes]

When the timing is right it will happen. The timing, having everything I need and the right mood. All the rights have to be in play then it will probably be spontaneous, quick.

What's your method? 'Excuse my nosiness...

 

[TiredHorse]

Cowardice --or human survival instinct, if that sounds better.

I'm exhausted and burned out by my attempt a week ago. Numb and deaf, I've spent the past week stumbling around trying to work up the energy to try again. The pain is still there, but it feels out of reach beneath a layer of emotional char, and if I can't draw on that pain I know I'll never make it. So I wait. Wait until Thanksgiving is past, because my death will tear an even bigger hole if I go out on one of my mother's favorite holidays. Wait until the abscess of misery refills and pushes up to where it is again available for me to draw on. Wait and hope for courage.

The waiting is bloody awful, but failing again because I'm just too tired to be courageous would be worse.

 

[GhostedToast]

I need to know my mom will be ok and that my dog will be taken care of. My mom has cancer and I want to wait until she's in remission and that my dog can be taken care of by my parents and he wont refuse to eat because of my death.

 

[TheLastTrip]

Just getting the N and then waiting until after Christmas, those are the only two things holding me back, and the N is negotiable as I'll be doing the night night method after Christmas if I can't get it, or do get it and have it taken off me etc.

 

[Throwaway563078]

Mostly just guilt. It's definitely too powerful

 

[TheLastTrip]

Mostly just guilt. It's definitely too powerful

It is certainly an emotional rollercoaster getting to the point of ctb.

 

[Chinaski]

Cowardice, frankly. All else is froth.

 

[Sasha]

I can't find a stupid fucking method, when I find a method I can't find the supplies, when I get the supplies I get survival instict. I'm a coward ik.

 

[BellaKAT]

fear. survival instinct. the faint illusion of hope that I won't be like this forever, that I could be happy. I have yet to find that. I wish there was easy way to cbt. I'm sitting here right now listening my cbt playlist knowing that even though i have work / school obligations there is no reason I couldn't ctb today, that isn't more than an excuse. for some reason I can't, I don't even have the energy to get out of the house to do it. I don't want to live, but i'm too afraid to die and I feel trapped in a hellish purgatory here on earth. i'm 21 almost 22 but when i share things like this on this site, things i would never tell anyone - I feel like i'm 14 again. I feel like i'm too old to feel this sad, this fucked up, this helpless.

 

[TiredHorse]

I hear you, BellaKAT. I'm so sorry.

 

[sadak_the_wanderer]

I have a variety of arrangements, tasks, and so forth that must be accomplished before I would feel comfortable going. Leaving a mess behind is something I would like to avoid. Believe me, the wait is miserable.

Sometimes, when I think about finally doing it, having everything in order and ready, the relief I imagine I would feel makes me cry just contemplating it.

 

[Karl]

I need money to buy the products.

 

[Shanks]

I don't have N :((

 

[Jiva]

Fear, that it will hurt much.

 

[AllyStar]

My parents, it breaks my heart knowing they're gonna find me dead.

 

[OkTotti]

My parents, it breaks my heart knowing they're gonna find me dead.

Same... it would break my parent's heart even though i don't have the good relationship with them.

The only positive is, at least they would handle my burial properly. If they weren't around, i'm not sure who would handle my burial (i don't want a funeral and will say in my suicide note). I guess my brother can, but he'd screw it up =)

 

[TiredHorse]

My parents, it breaks my heart knowing they're gonna find me dead.

I hear you. This is going to hurt my mother and sister really badly.

(My father too, probably, but he's a narcissistic SOB and he will undoubtedly incorporate it into his own private opera and thrive on it.)

 

[skitliv]

Because I'm scared, and I also have a lot of guilt