Stabbing my heart with an axe until i die

[shinigami_1992]

Will it break my aesthetic, i dont want it to break my aesthetic, they wont help with that im guessing?

Like at least have letter at home. So if somebody tries to harm you, you have legal evidences to defend self. I'd recommend as long as you are adult embodied in emo phase/not planning to grow up-stay away from kids/teens or any potentially underage emo ppl who you may long to befriend or be around to fill void of childhood. Stay safe.

I know you are good person, you sound like one but life is cruel.

Do not be too naive and do not trust others-aka random ppl- too much about what you been thru bcuz it can be wrongly understood due to some ppl mental illnesses X life concepts X prejudice.

You said it never was a phase. Well. You are young. Now is still okay. Do you realistically see that eg aged 32, or 40 you still will be emo? Bcuz if yes, the concerns about you and future are different

I am just talking from own life experience of how sick doctors f**ked me X my life up bcuz they got everything, including my emotional state X needs X wants X intentions wrong

 

[shinigami_1992]

I was human trafficked and sexually abused X exploited physically X financially since 19years old by group of ppl. I was not entirely locked up, but sufficiently emotionally groomed, manipulated, brainwashed and emotionally, coercively controlled by CRIMINAL traffickers.

Upon reporting sexual abuse to GPs, aged 21 they referred me psychiatric hospital. In psychiatric hospital, out of my mentally ill GPs FABRICATED X wrong statements regarding my mental health X physical health status related to pre existing condition X childhood medical treatments, psychiatry hospital abusers jumped on wagon of 'parental childhood abuse accusations'

I was psychiatry tortured, worn out, ambushed, emotionally groomed and sugarcoated to point, these predators of NHS implemented in me entirely false memories X false belief of childhood abuse, separating me, vulnerable barely English speaking 21yo and scared girl, from my mother. They threatened me if I don't listen, do not believe them, do not do as I say, they will ruin my family and put my parents in jail due to "my disclosures" I did NOT disclosed anything. Abusers of NHS stuck words in my mouth and made it look like it was mine. I never said those things.

Since that time I became victim of unbearable chain of events, wrongful entirely fabricated multiple psychiatric diagnoses and been emotionally groomed, brainwashed, manipulated, confused, more psychiatry tortured by various predatory possessive and needy, mentally ill NHS staff members due to fact they entirely isolated me from family X loved ones X friends.

Like you can't imagine what those ppl did to me

 

[FriendDeath]

I was human trafficked and sexually abused X exploited physically X financially since 19years old by group of ppl. I was not entirely locked up, but sufficiently emotionally groomed, manipulated, brainwashed and emotionally, coercively controlled by CRIMINAL traffickers.

Upon reporting sexual abuse to GPs, aged 21 they referred me psychiatric hospital. In psychiatric hospital, out of my mentally ill GPs FABRICATED X wrong statements regarding my mental health X physical health status related to pre existing condition X childhood medical treatments, psychiatry hospital abusers jumped on wagon of 'parental childhood abuse accusations'

I was psychiatry tortured, worn out, ambushed, emotionally groomed and sugarcoated to point, these predators of NHS implemented in me entirely false memories X false belief of childhood abuse, separating me, vulnerable barely English speaking 21yo and scared girl, from my mother. They threatened me if I don't listen, do not believe them, do not do as I say, they will ruin my family and put my parents in jail due to "my disclosures" I did NOT disclosed anything. Abusers of NHS stuck words in my mouth and made it look like it was mine. I never said those things.

Since that time I became victim of unbearable chain of events, wrongful entirely fabricated multiple psychiatric diagnoses and been emotionally groomed, brainwashed, manipulated, confused, more psychiatry tortured by various predatory possessive and needy, mentally ill NHS staff members due to fact they entirely isolated me from family X loved ones X friends.

Like you can't imagine what those ppl did to me

Please just about the letter thing how do i have it so it doesnt break my aesthetic

 

[shinigami_1992]

I was human trafficked and sexually abused X exploited physically X financially since 19years old by group of ppl. I was not entirely locked up, but sufficiently emotionally groomed, manipulated, brainwashed and emotionally, coercively controlled by CRIMINAL traffickers.

Upon reporting sexual abuse to GPs, aged 21 they referred me psychiatric hospital. In psychiatric hospital, out of my mentally ill GPs FABRICATED X wrong statements regarding my mental health X physical health status related to pre existing condition X childhood medical treatments, psychiatry hospital abusers jumped on wagon of 'parental childhood abuse accusations'

I was psychiatry tortured, worn out, ambushed, emotionally groomed and sugarcoated to point, these predators of NHS implemented in me entirely false memories X false belief of childhood abuse, separating me, vulnerable barely English speaking 21yo and scared girl, from my mother. They threatened me if I don't listen, do not believe them, do not do as I say, they will ruin my family and put my parents in jail due to "my disclosures" I did NOT disclosed anything. Abusers of NHS stuck words in my mouth and made it look like it was mine. I never said those things.

Since that time I became victim of unbearable chain of events, wrongful entirely fabricated multiple psychiatric diagnoses and been emotionally groomed, brainwashed, manipulated, confused, more psychiatry tortured by various predatory possessive and needy, mentally ill NHS staff members due to fact they entirely isolated me from family X loved ones X friends.

Like you can't imagine what those ppl did to me

Like I am not going to say fully all they did to me.

But let's say-the real physical issues failed to treat. Psychiatric conditions obviously I haven't responded to treatment bcuz how can you respond to fabricated diagnoses.

Their abuse X meddling X wrongful understanding of my state, living situation, life issues and who was doing what to me over life, cost me my family, cat and job. I got myself convicted in court for harassment of doctor who initiated and orchestrated my ordeal that lasted for 10years. This woman is mentally ill and entirely deluded. I am accusing her now about litany of things including that she has Munchausen by proxy disease.


Your story, X issues is entirely different to mine. I know you did not do X do not want to do anything bad to anybody. But the way life X ppl became, X legal system, I am just concerned for your safety. It's those days more about appearances, conspiracy, X suspicions X 'ought to know' X constructing things, that factual real criminal act or real harm, Any real activity of wrongdoing

Like those days, you can look at somebody and be accused for no reason.

Well. My battle is mine and I will fight NHS till my last breath. You just sound as naive, gullible, hurt young vulnerable adult and I want to protect you.

 

[FriendDeath]

Like I am not going to say fully all they did to me.

But let's say-the real physical issues failed to treat. Psychiatric conditions obviously I haven't responded to treatment bcuz how can you respond to fabricated diagnoses.

Their abuse X meddling X wrongful understanding of my state, living situation, life issues and who was doing what to me over life, cost me my family, cat and job. I got myself convicted in court for harassment of doctor who initiated and orchestrated my ordeal that lasted for 10years. This woman is mentally ill and entirely deluded. I am accusing her now about litany of things including that she has Munchausen by proxy disease.


Your story, X issues is entirely different to mine. I know you did not do X do not want to do anything bad to anybody. But the way life X ppl became, X legal system, I am just concerned for your safety. It's those days more about appearances, conspiracy, X suspicions X 'ought to know' X constructing things, that factual real criminal act or real harm, Any real activity of wrongdoing

Like those days, you can look at somebody and be accused for no reason.

Well. My battle is mine and I will fight NHS till my last breath. You just sound as naive, gullible, hurt young vulnerable adult and I want to protect you.

Please just tell me about that letter how do i have it so it doesnt break my aesthetic and where do i request it

 

[AbyssalAlien]

Whats the plan here? Most you will get out of this is bleed out and major trauma if you make it pass the bone. And if you somehow do manage to hurt yourself to the point of damaging a vital organ, you will die slowly and painfully.

Why not take that axe and swing it at a dead tree instead until you figure out a more realistic way.

 

[shinigami_1992]

Please just about the letter thing how do i have it so it doesnt break my aesthetic

Keep it in HOUSE. in relevant folder with important legal documents or in e-form eg. In form of email.

 

[FriendDeath]

Whats the plan here? Most you will get out of this is bleed out and major trauma if you make it pass the bone. And if you somehow do manage to hurt yourself to the point of damaging a vital organ, you will die slowly and painfully.

Why not take that axe and swing it at a dead tree instead until you figure out a more realistic way.

Trees do have feelings too, i would never hurt a tree, not even a dead one, i respect the dead, any species, even plantlife

Keep it in HOUSE. in relevant folder with important legal documents or in e-form eg. In form of email.

What if i have to go out tho

 

[shinigami_1992]

Trees do have feelings too, i would never hurt a tree, not even a dead one, i respect the dead, any species, even plantlife

What if i have to go out tho

Like if you have it in email, you will likely have phone with internet access on you right?

 

[FriendDeath]

Like if you have it in email, you will likely have phone with internet access on you right?

Yea i do, so that it means it wont be much of an issue btw i follow emo and scenecore aesthetics for the most part

Yea i do, so that it means it wont be much of an issue btw i follow emo and scenecore aesthetics for the most part

It wont interfere with that right?

Yea i do, so that it means it wont be much of an issue btw i follow emo and scenecore aesthetics for the most part

It wont interfere with that right?

Also where do i request this

 

[shinigami_1992]

As for family ABUSE, I'd recommend you start learning to STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, draw boundaries, tell them when they hurt you or become too much. You also need to stop taking things personally, learn toet it go, learn some words come thru right ear and leave thru left. Take good from ppl and bad, toxic-let it go. If ppl too much-just tell them to stop. That you lack capacity to deal with their dramas

Family in a way is best thing in life X only ppl who really care about you BUT CAN BE toxic. Sometimes more or less. Just be yourself, live own life and cut off drama. Cease toxic.

I recommend big bulky headphones. It's perfect way to NOT LISTEN TO bulkshit X unwanted talk of others disturbing you or bullying you. Indication of 'i listen to music' bcuz I have headphones on. Just be careful in street with them X music.

 

[FriendDeath]

As for family ABUSE, I'd recommend you start learning to STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, draw boundaries, tell them when they hurt you or become too much. You also need to stop taking things personally, learn toet it go, learn some words come thru right ear and leave thru left. Take good from ppl and bad, toxic-let it go. If ppl too much-just tell them to stop. That you lack capacity to deal with their dramas

Family in a way is best thing in life X only ppl who really care about you BUT CAN BE toxic. Sometimes more or less. Just be yourself, live own life and cut off drama. Cease toxic.

I recommend big bulky headphones. It's perfect way to NOT LISTEN TO bulkshit X unwanted talk of others disturbing you or bullying you. Indication of 'i listen to music' bcuz I have headphones on. Just be careful in street with them X music.

But what about the letter thing u said where do i request for it

 

[shinigami_1992]

Yea i do, so that it means it wont be much of an issue btw i follow emo and scenecore aesthetics for the most part

It wont interfere with that right?

Also where do i request this

Just go preferably private psychiatrist. Any psychiatrist. You may need few visits to exactly tell them things like you told us. What you want achieve. Etc.

No. You can live your life. Just be self.

You may wish to tell them it was said/advised to you on this forum. The letter idea X out of which concerns. Feel free to show them this chat.

 

[FriendDeath]

Just go preferably private psychiatrist. Any psychiatrist. You may need few visits to exactly tell them things like you told us. What you want achieve. Etc.

No. You can live your life. Just be self.

You may wish to tell them it was said/advised to you on this forum. The letter idea X out of which concerns. Feel free to show them this chat.

So yea do you think they will all have an option so i can get it by email, pretty sure so yeah its a widespread technology, hopefully its doable, but what if its a physical letter tho like how do i not have it break my aesthetic

 

[shinigami_1992]

Just go preferably private psychiatrist. Any psychiatrist. You may need few visits to exactly tell them things like you told us. What you want achieve. Etc.

No. You can live your life. Just be self.

You may wish to tell them it was said/advised to you on this forum. The letter idea X out of which concerns. Feel free to show them this chat.

Write down on paper important bits you want to tell to psychiatrist. Ask letter. Tell them what legal concerns X risks of being 22yo emo are X that you purely, only want in way to embody childhood, extend your 'youth' without hurting anybody X any bad ideas. In my opinion you are kinda emotionally not 22, but way less bcuz of bullying X 4years lost.

You can't be treated by law or anybody as 'normal' 22yo. You need to catch up emotionally and you need help to find yourself out in life. I BELIEVE IN YOU and you are important and your life MATTERS so much

 

[shinigami_1992]

So yea do you think they will all have an option so i can get it by email, pretty sure so yeah its a widespread technology, hopefully its doable, but what if its a physical letter tho like how do i not have it break my aesthetic

You will be fine. Just keep self safe. I wish you best.

 

[FriendDeath]

You will be fine. Just keep self safe. I wish you best.

still uhh how do i keep that letter from breaking my aesthetic if its a physical one please? also what can i do now to feel ok and inmerse in my aesthetic and age regression a bit please?

 

[shinigami_1992]

still uhh how do i keep that letter from breaking my aesthetic if its a physical one please? also what can i do now to feel ok and inmerse in my aesthetic and age regression a bit please?

Do not worry. Is year 2024. They will send you email.

You do have like personal email with ideally your legal name? Don't stress for siłly things. You will get anxiety for nothing.

 

[FriendDeath]

Do not worry. Is year 2024. They will send you email.

You do have like personal email with ideally your legal name? Don't stress for siłly things. You will get anxiety for nothing.

I do dont worry, just uhh what now and also how do i create a quick access to it in case i have to show it somewhere? And also what now to cope and feel better?
im having hallucinations rn, i keep seeing eyes everywhere

 

[shinigami_1992]

I do dont worry, just uhh what now and also how do i create a quick access to it in case i have to show it somewhere? And also what now to cope and feel better?

Like I already told you. Watch something you like. Music.

Eg. I love to cook so I binge cooking shows. Or go to sleep.

Or just set down quietly music that relaxes uou or helps you and try sleeping. Like nothing will get resolved today, you know?
.try thinking where you want to be in 1 or 5 years. Make plans. Set realistic goals. DO NOT trust everybody, make informed slow decisions and do research about things in life. You are creator of own life and future. What you make it, you will have

Maybe tomorrow buy headphones and notebook and start looking up psychiatrists, prices or if you can see them on public dime. Writing helps. Do daily journalling. Start today, write down what is going on inside.

I gotta go now. Much love X care to you. You will be fine.

Keep posting on forum as needed to be heard, not to feel lonely. Ppl care and I care about you.
Like I can't tell you how you have to live your life, you know. Nobody can. Parents raised you. You made it. You 22 now. You are master of life and future.

Think education, studying, what life outcomes or goals you want to achieve. Kids, family, holidays, fancy career? Do you want to help others and how? Be lawyer, chef or something else?

 

[FriendDeath]

Like I already told you. Watch something you like. Music.

Eg. I love to cook so I binge cooking shows. Or go to sleep.

Or just set down quietly music that relaxes uou or helps you and try sleeping. Like nothing will get resolved today, you know?
.try thinking where you want to be in 1 or 5 years. Make plans. Set realistic goals. DO NOT trust everybody, make informed slow decisions and do research about things in life. You are creator of own life and future. What you make it, you will have ...have

Maybe tomorrow buy headphones and notebook and start looking up psychiatrists, prices or if you can see them on public dime. Writing helps. Do daily journalling. Start today, write down what is going on inside.

I gotta go now. Much love X care to you. You will be fine.

Keep posting on forum as needed to be heard, not to feel lonely. Ppl care and I care about you. ...you.
Like I can't tell you how you have to live your life, you know. Nobody can. Parents raised you. You made it. You 22 now. You are master of life and future.

Think education, studying, what life outcomes or goals you want to achieve. Kids, family, holidays, fancy career? Do you want to help others and how? Be lawyer, chef or something else?

on what color or details to buy the notebook please?

 

[shinigami_1992]

I

I do dont worry, just uhh what now and also how do i create a quick access to it in case i have to show it somewhere? And also what now to cope and feel better?
im having hallucinations rn, i keep seeing eyes everywhere

f you have hallucinations for any reasons, definitely see psychiatrist. You may benefit from some Settling you down medications.

 

[FriendDeath]

If you have hallucinations for any reasons, definitely see psychiatrist. You may benefit from some Settling you down medications. ...medications.

alright also uhh how do i make like a quick access to the letter by email on my phone? and as for the notebook what color to get or details and such

 

[shinigami_1992]

on what color or details to buy the notebook please?

Is your choice my friend. You will use it.

Buy what you want. Any colour or design. Any-square or lined. I recommend(but again, FINAL choice is YOURS) A4 size as it will allow more writing.

Do you realize fact of you asking advices, about such basic thing as purchase of notebook, is sign of your massive lack of confidence and vulnerability, proness to suggestion/you being subjective to coercive control, that likely arises of years of being bullied X psychologically abused?

You can't trust ppl man. Ppl will use you, abuse and continue to exploit you if you continue to rely on 'advices' of others and can't trust self/own decision making abilities.

Not everybody is good and not everybody is or will be your friend in life. Grow some strength, confidence and educate self.
Check on Google about how you access emails etc. I am sadly not your mom.

 

[FriendDeath]

Is your choice my friend. You will use it.

Buy what you want. Any colour or design. Any-square or lined. I recommend(but again, FINAL choice is YOURS) A4 size as it will allow more writing.

Do you realize fact of you asking advices, about such basic thing as purchase of notebook, is sign of your massive lack of confidence and vulnerability, proness to suggestion/you being subjective to coercive control, that likely arises of years of being bullied X psychologically abused?

You can't trust ppl man. Ppl will use you, abuse and continue to exploit you if you continue to rely on 'advices' of others and can't trust self/own decision making abilities.

Not everybody is good and not everybody is or will be your friend in life. Grow some strength, confidence and educate self.

i dont even know my own aesthetic that well at this point, like i really dont know thats the issue here

 

[shinigami_1992]

Life is harsh. Learn to live it. Utilize Google to find out info about done of your silly questions.

They likely were asked before and answers are existing.

I love cats, so eg. My notebook is with cats.

 

[FriendDeath]

Life is harsh. Learn to live it. Utilize Google to find out info about done of your silly questions.

They likely were asked before and answers are existing.

I love cats, so eg. My notebook is with cats.

well uhh i follow emo and scenecore aesthetics, but idk what to add thats the thing like idk what specific thing to add
is my aesthetic even valid?

 

[shinigami_1992]

i dont even know my own aesthetic that well at this point, like i really dont know thats the issue here

Well yeah. But the way life is, nobody cares aesthetics as much as you.

Ppl have bills, legal liabilities, mortgages, massive health problems, deadlines and affairs.

Like aesthetics. I am happy if I have toilet roll, manage do laundry, cook meal and pay bills. Have job.

Aesthetics. Maybe if I were millionaire, I'd care. But bcuz I am not millionaire, I worry money, bills, roof over head, and plenty of other real things.

Like, I see that you are confused X you don't know WHO YOU ARE but is your job to find out. Not mine

 

[FriendDeath]

Well yeah. But the way life is, nobody cares aesthetics as much as you. ...you.

Ppl have bills, legal liabilities, mortgages, massive health problems, deadlines and affairs.

Like aesthetics. I am happy if I have toilet roll, manage do laundry, cook meal and pay bills. Have job. ...job.

Aesthetics. Maybe if I were millionaire, I'd care. But bcuz I am not millionaire, I worry money, bills, roof over head, and plenty of other real things.

Like, I see that you are confused X you don't know WHO YOU ARE but is your job to find out. Not mine

guess i gotta quit then, no more of my aesthetics, im throwing everything away and ending my life afterwards, is that ok i dont know anymore
i cannot manage this please, help me i truly cant manage everything please help me atleast

 

[nir]

Aesthetics change over time.

I'd also caution over too much age-regression. If you live in the past too much, you'll eventually regret that too.

I think you are too focused on the smaller details to see the bigger picture here. Aesthetics don't really matter if you want to kill yourself. A gruesome death doesn't fit into any aesthetic. It will just be painful and traumatizing. There will never be anything "aesthetic" about suicide - if it's something you want to pursue, you'll need to understand that.

I would advise you to seek mental health help, especially for the hallucinations. You are quite young, and it's best to get treatment for these things while they're still relatively new. I would also advise you to think about what in your life has made you so fixated on aesthetics - I don't think this is a healthy or helpful thing for you at this time.