nixxeekes
Member
- Jul 3, 2022
- 20
hi. been wanting to talk about this for a while now. excuse my broken english and if i beat around the bush too much.
my ideal method is and will probably always be cutting, even though i know it´s near impossible to actually succeed. ive proved myself right a month ago or so. ive impulsively cut my wrist. and im not gonna lie, it was such a beautiful feeling; i dont cut anymore, but the need is always there. so i did it. i felt the tendon of my (presumably) ring finger under the blade. it was a very specific feeling, one ive never felt while cutting before- sharp and numbing, like a headache on ur hand. immediately when the cut was done, i saw the white string before i started bleeding very.. intensely. i started bleeding a fuck ton and that hand wasnt feeling correctly. couldnt move my fingers. i immediately snapped out of the trance and thought i fucked up. i was afraid not because i thought i was gonna die, but because i thought i damaged a nerve and that was not what i wanted, clearly. so i called someone to get help because i really didnt want to lose the mobility on my hand if i wasnt even going to die first. i got stitches, i was left on psychiatric watch, got medicated-- all that shit. they didnt even let me go outside to have a smoke and it drove me so fucking crazy. now everyone on my life treats me like im fucking glass. they put me under a magnifying glass and are going around analyzing my every move, as if i were a child.. i get it, yk? i do, but im still me. it wasnt traumatic. i wasnt sad afterwards. in fact, it was the first time ive ever felt as good. i would do it all over again. i even kept cutting after the big one, trying to replicate it, trying to worsen it but the blade wasnt as sharp anymore. i even took the stitches off on my own way before it fully healed. i think i did messed up the mobility because my hand itself doesnt feel like it felt before.
i guess what im trying to say is, if you've thought of cbt this way, dont. dont even try it. its not worth everything that comes after that if you fail. that advice could be for any type of method really- but if you've thought of cutting like i do, i recommend finding other methods that are more reliable (none of them are 100% effective, but certain methods have higher succeess rates). i could have died from blood loss if only i had cut a few inches to the right, since i got very close to the radial arthery. i feel like the only way of actually dying from this is having an impulse, cutting right where i mentioned with a very sharp blade, like a scapel. otherwise the survival instinct will always prevent you from doing it right and you'll inevitably fuck up. i didnt need to be high or drunk, i just have those episodes of impulsiveness sometimes. i want to go in a gruesome way, i want to bleed, but im also not entirely keen on the idea of my loved ones having to clean my mess. stepping on my blood, not knowing what the fuck they should do. so i guess ill just hang myself on the middle of fucking nowhere, i dont know.
i wanted to share a bit of my experience in case anybody finds it useful. be smart, plan shit out so you wont regret it like i did.
my ideal method is and will probably always be cutting, even though i know it´s near impossible to actually succeed. ive proved myself right a month ago or so. ive impulsively cut my wrist. and im not gonna lie, it was such a beautiful feeling; i dont cut anymore, but the need is always there. so i did it. i felt the tendon of my (presumably) ring finger under the blade. it was a very specific feeling, one ive never felt while cutting before- sharp and numbing, like a headache on ur hand. immediately when the cut was done, i saw the white string before i started bleeding very.. intensely. i started bleeding a fuck ton and that hand wasnt feeling correctly. couldnt move my fingers. i immediately snapped out of the trance and thought i fucked up. i was afraid not because i thought i was gonna die, but because i thought i damaged a nerve and that was not what i wanted, clearly. so i called someone to get help because i really didnt want to lose the mobility on my hand if i wasnt even going to die first. i got stitches, i was left on psychiatric watch, got medicated-- all that shit. they didnt even let me go outside to have a smoke and it drove me so fucking crazy. now everyone on my life treats me like im fucking glass. they put me under a magnifying glass and are going around analyzing my every move, as if i were a child.. i get it, yk? i do, but im still me. it wasnt traumatic. i wasnt sad afterwards. in fact, it was the first time ive ever felt as good. i would do it all over again. i even kept cutting after the big one, trying to replicate it, trying to worsen it but the blade wasnt as sharp anymore. i even took the stitches off on my own way before it fully healed. i think i did messed up the mobility because my hand itself doesnt feel like it felt before.
i guess what im trying to say is, if you've thought of cbt this way, dont. dont even try it. its not worth everything that comes after that if you fail. that advice could be for any type of method really- but if you've thought of cutting like i do, i recommend finding other methods that are more reliable (none of them are 100% effective, but certain methods have higher succeess rates). i could have died from blood loss if only i had cut a few inches to the right, since i got very close to the radial arthery. i feel like the only way of actually dying from this is having an impulse, cutting right where i mentioned with a very sharp blade, like a scapel. otherwise the survival instinct will always prevent you from doing it right and you'll inevitably fuck up. i didnt need to be high or drunk, i just have those episodes of impulsiveness sometimes. i want to go in a gruesome way, i want to bleed, but im also not entirely keen on the idea of my loved ones having to clean my mess. stepping on my blood, not knowing what the fuck they should do. so i guess ill just hang myself on the middle of fucking nowhere, i dont know.
i wanted to share a bit of my experience in case anybody finds it useful. be smart, plan shit out so you wont regret it like i did.
