Venting small bpd rant/vent

[XxEstenxX]

I get so jealous seeing Borderline's dating or being married to someone for over a year—yeah, the bar is that low lol. It has to be because they're attractive—or just extremely lucky to meet someone who'd want to live with someone so unstable for the rest of their life. Humans dont usually want to be in relationships if the negative outweigh the positive no matter how valuable that positive is...and I think some people would be okay with someone so unstable if it means bragging and showing off that at least they managed to date someone hot to their friends or coworkers...

Friends are a little different. That friend would just have to worry about your emotions, but they dont have to deal with you everyday like a partner would, so you're more likely to have a close friend than a partner if you have BPD, I think. I still get jealous of hearing those with BPD have lifelong friends too, though. The longest friendship I've had lasted for almost a year, in fourth grade...and even then, there was a couple of months where we didnt talk because I had split on them for a long time, so...

I'm lucky to have a friend at the moment who does seem to care about me and is trying to understand me more. Today, she gave me her schedule for tomorrow without me even having to ask, because I had spiraled into an episode due to her absence (lack of emotional permanence yadayada) and she felt that it was the right thing to do in order to calm me down—and it did. I know that I'll fuck up this friendship too somehow, especially since we're long distance and never met irl before. If she abandons me then I've officially had enough. I already have my noose ready. The only reason why I haven't attempted yet besides not being alone in the house I'm in is because of her. Even now I'm still clinging onto hope and I know I'm fucking stupid for doing that. God I hope this friendship does work and someday I can finally see her in-person. I wonder if she even feels the same way and if she wants to even meet me too. She's told me plenty of times already that she wishes we knew each other irl but that doesnt necessarily mean that she wants to see me someday. If only I had the balls to just ask her, lol.

 

[princexhhn]

most people really treat us like we are monsters or just not worth the trouble. Always a bad experience or a life lesson but never the one they marry.

I am glad you found a friend now who is understanding, I hope it works out well:) happy for you

 

[XxEstenxX]

Always a bad experience or a life lesson but never the one they marry

True. And its crazy because a lot of us with bpd are one of the most loyal you'll ever meet, ride-or-die, because of our obsessive tendencies and getting attached so quickly. Unfortunately, people just dont have the patience to deal with us. I get it but I think they're missing out on a special bond that they'll rarely have with anyone else, yknow?

I am glad you found a friend now who is understanding, I hope it works out well:) happy for you

Thank you! ^.^ fingers crossed!

 

[bipolar22]

Severe bpd and substance use
. Ah comes hand in hand i guess. I been relationship for 4 years. Ride or die girl i got. Guess I got lucky. Still unhappy af though. So yeah but its been a real grind for both of us. Cuz I get moody. And high or drunk. Ah jts just life eh

 

[cluefixphantom]

I'm ugly and finding a partner doesn't work for me. Not even friends. It's usually not about personality when it comes to relationships or getting social help imo. I saw many many malevolent people in my area before I didn't go outside anymore. Many of them have partners, they look normal, male or female nothing inbetween or pretty. I see this online too. The face is the most important.

btw. the mental illness diagnoses are not really real. The Psychology system is based on Nazideology and comparable to Synthology and Jehova. They have their roots also in the european Witchhunts and borderline is the new word for hysteria. Many female victims of systemic discrimination, or domestic violence, rape, poverty and defects with their thyroid/kidney get this label imo. They are vulnerable and are exploited.

I am a victim of psychology abuse too. All my organic defects, how others bullie me for my body and poverty, my socioeconomic situation was reinterpreted as mental illness.

 

[StalkedByDeath]

As a borderline, I always thought the same thing. Every one of my relationships failed within a few months. Until I got married.. It also started online, but she was only an hour away when we met (neither of us were driving at the time).

Don't give up hope, but I will admit, it has NOT been easy. She left a few times years ago but came back each time. The only reason I'm still alive is because of failed attempts having not had access to SN at the time. I always say "Relationships are both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness"; when things are going well, it's a reason to continue fighting, but when things go south I'm right back at square one.

You are more than your disorder, and you WILL find someone that accepts you for you. ALL of you. Most of my relationship-destroying symptoms have become more manageable over time, I'm almost 30 years old now, but the internal symptoms are a constant in my life. I feel dead inside, and I still struggle with suicidal ideation regularly. I don't think that's something that will change, but the struggles I'm persisting through now I would have never imagined possible 10+ years ago.

I still think CTB will be my ultimate fate, but for now I'm fighting, even if just barely (Hence why I'm back on this site).

 

[XxEstenxX]

As a borderline, I always thought the same thing. Every one of my relationships failed within a few months. Until I got married.. It also started online, but she was only an hour away when we met (neither of us were driving at the time).

Don't give up hope, but I will admit, it has NOT been easy. She left a few times years ago but came back each time. The only reason I'm still alive is because of failed attempts having not had access to SN at the time. I always say "Relationships are both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness"; when things are going well, it's a reason to continue fighting, but when things go south I'm right back at square one.

You are more than your disorder, and you WILL find someone that accepts you for you. ALL of you. Most of my relationship-destroying symptoms have become more manageable over time, I'm almost 30 years old now, but the internal symptoms are a constant in my life. I feel dead inside, and I still struggle with suicidal ideation regularly. I don't think that's something that will change, but the struggles I'm persisting through now I would have never imagined possible 10+ years ago.

I still think CTB will be my ultimate fate, but for now I'm fighting, even if just barely (Hence why I'm back on this site).

Thank you. Its been really tough lately. I keep having episodes everyday and it ruins the vibe of the conversation everytime. I had a really bad one last night and I'm not over it yet like I usually would be...I wish there was something I could do about it my constant mood swings this current moment. We're both trying to stay strong but it's hard. I just dont want to burden her anymore, but leaving isnt an option either.

 

[StalkedByDeath]

Thank you. Its been really tough lately. I keep having episodes everyday and it ruins the vibe of the conversation everytime. I had a really bad one last night and I'm not over it yet like I usually would be...I wish there was something I could do about it my constant mood swings this current moment. We're both trying to stay strong but it's hard. I just dont want to burden her anymore, but leaving isnt an option either.

Trust me, I get it. Even now with my wife I am irrationally terrified of being hurt. I'm always worried about her hiding something, or asking if she wants to get divorced when we get into an argument over what's essentially nothing because my brain is my brain. In fact, one of the times she left, I essentially convinced her that she shouldn't be with me. And it worked... Thankfully she came back after ~a month of being apart.

That's the fucked up thing with BPD. We can't be content with something good happening. We're always just waiting to be hurt. We tell ourselves "They want to be with/talk to me... for now". But it's a trap, and ends up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. But there are people out there that DO appreciate the dedication, even with the tradeoffs. I won't lie, I do believe there's luck involved, but the more people you expose yourself the greater your chances, and it sounds like you're doing that by talking to people online.

I don't know how old you are, but like I said, things have gotten easier with time. Whenever I heard it when I was younger I always thought "Yeah okay, sure", but now I'm living it. I'm in an accelerated college program commuting 4 hours a day, yet I'm pushing through. Mind you my mental health is currently tanking, but that fact I've even made it this far is crazy to me when I think about everything I'm doing.

Hang on for as long as you can, because you never know what life has in store for you. If you don't make it you don't make it, but at least you can honestly tell yourself you gave it your all.

Edit: I mean, just look at my handle. I joined this site in 2019 intent on CTB. I'd be lying if I said there's not luck involved with me still being alive, but regardless, I'm still here and there's no active intent. Just passive thoughts at the moment.

 

[anopenwound]

I feel incredibly seen by this thread. Thank you for making it.

I have BPD and I feel people either expect me not to have it or want me to be fixed. I had friends telling me my shit should be easy to get over, that crying was causing a scene, that my pain doesn't explain why I act erratically at times, that expressing my pain is some kind of manouvre, like it carries inferred meaning, rather than a spontaneous reaction. Not to mention the times people feel like they're telling me stuff I don't know when they list the reasons to keep going, things to keep in mind, why everything happens the way it does.

It's as if the fact I'm ill doesn't even enter their mind 'cause I'm doing so well.

I opened up to a friend recently and he said he had no idea I've been feeling like this for so long. I was trying to be strong for my ride or die. It backfired horribly. I then went on to be strong for everybody else, for the moral obligations I still have. I'm now locked in my house with no intention to get out ever again - except to carry these obligations to their end.

I wish I could give you all in this thread the biggest hug. They treat us like a broken toaster. Like an item that needs fixing or replacing. Like we just don't get it or can't do it. I wish they knew how horrible all of this is.

I don't have words of hope 'cause I lost all of them after the last few years. My life is bleak and the only comfort right now is to be able to stay inside my apartment and minimise all sources of stress. But it's nice to hear some from others here. Just know I understand you. Deeply.

 

[XxEstenxX]

They treat us like a broken toaster. Like an item that needs fixing or replacing.

We don't need to be "fixed". We just need to be loved, understood, and accepted for who we are. I wish more people knew that about mental illness in general, especially us with PD's.