I think I've fallen into a cycle that's getting more and more inescapable
My memories and thoughts are all jumbled, and whenever I realize or remember something, I immediately forget it or get pushed off of it
cause it's a habit I made myself
and I keep just remembering anger
all the time
and I'm constantly screaming, in my head, out loud, silently
but when it's forced to be silent, I feel like tearing my face off and breaking everything
whenever I try to think of why I'm so angry, I forget again
and sometimes I'm ok and I end up smiling by accident
and my first thought is "why did I smile? did I forget?"
forget what?
and then the cycle repeats again
generally, I know that I hate myself and "it's all my fault"
but I don't know what is my fault, and I'm scared to touch on this again
this has been going on for like a year and a half now
but now my general memory is getting worse
and I'm having trouble differentiating things that actually happened, and things that I predicted would happen, made plans for in case they happened, or just dreamed of randomly
in general I dislike talking to people, but when I try to act normal, sometimes I reference some event or something
and they say "what? when did that happen?" or "was that me?"
and after they say that I realize it probably was a dream, and sometimes I can remember the day I dreamt it
I'm constantly screaming
I don't remember why
It's terrible
I want to tear my eyes out
I need to rip off something
also once in a while, I have this largely blocked, but I know maybe every 3 or 4 weeks
I have a thought "so everything went according to plan"
and that makes me furious
what fucking plan??? why? why?
anyways i'm nice and calm
need to focus
uh
i don't think i'm gonna be able to finish this post but please tell me if anyone else is experiencing anything similar
My memories and thoughts are all jumbled, and whenever I realize or remember something, I immediately forget it or get pushed off of it
cause it's a habit I made myself
and I keep just remembering anger
all the time
and I'm constantly screaming, in my head, out loud, silently
but when it's forced to be silent, I feel like tearing my face off and breaking everything
whenever I try to think of why I'm so angry, I forget again
and sometimes I'm ok and I end up smiling by accident
and my first thought is "why did I smile? did I forget?"
forget what?
and then the cycle repeats again
generally, I know that I hate myself and "it's all my fault"
but I don't know what is my fault, and I'm scared to touch on this again
this has been going on for like a year and a half now
but now my general memory is getting worse
and I'm having trouble differentiating things that actually happened, and things that I predicted would happen, made plans for in case they happened, or just dreamed of randomly
in general I dislike talking to people, but when I try to act normal, sometimes I reference some event or something
and they say "what? when did that happen?" or "was that me?"
and after they say that I realize it probably was a dream, and sometimes I can remember the day I dreamt it
I'm constantly screaming
I don't remember why
It's terrible
I want to tear my eyes out
I need to rip off something
also once in a while, I have this largely blocked, but I know maybe every 3 or 4 weeks
I have a thought "so everything went according to plan"
and that makes me furious
what fucking plan??? why? why?
anyways i'm nice and calm
need to focus
uh
i don't think i'm gonna be able to finish this post but please tell me if anyone else is experiencing anything similar
