Is anyone else just sick of living and having to sustain themselves, while constantly suffering? I am so tired of people in my life trying to tell me what I need to do. That I need to go to university and get a 'real job.' I never had any plan for doing anything. When I was 13 years old, I knew I never wanted to live past 17. And never thought I would. Unfortunately, I am now 25, and my mom made me promise not to kill myself. Yet she wants me to continue moving forward, and thinks I am actually capable of existing to achieve things because she forced me to be like that growing up. If I didn't do things the way she wanted me to, I would get screamed at and threatened. So I gave her everything she wanted. And I became good at everything she wanted me to. Sure, I'd get rewarded if I played along, but she was smothering. I feel I can never be independent. And she constantly compared her life and mine and says that she had it worse. Does it matter? She doesn't understand my many mental disorders, and says that they are not an excuse. And even mocked me growing up, saying I wanted attention. What actually happened when I 'was being dramatic,' was me hearing voices screaming at me constantly! But oh yeah, I'm not supposed to want to kill myself?!!! I've had enough.
The only things I look forward to anymore are my friends, hot wheels, watching horror movies, and drinking alcohol. The only times I'm truly relieved are when I'm drinking. I also don't mind my minimum wage job. However, I know I can't support myself like this for much longer, and actually sustain myself. I don't even want a job. The first 17 years of my life felt like soul sucking work, and I don't want to learn another damn thing in school anymore. I'm not being given a choice. I just want to run into the wilderness, and live off the grid. Whatever happens, happens. I just want to get away from my so called life and travel across the country doing whatever the hell I want to. I'm tired of responsibility! I don't want to die, but I can't seem to find a way to live either. I would welcome a serial killer trying to off me. That way my mom won't think I killed myself.
Sorry for the long ramble, but I needed to get it off. Where does that woman come off telling me to get energy to actually move my life forward? It is all put into trying to not off myself. She should be happy I'm even still alive because I am this close to actually running away from her forever.
The only things I look forward to anymore are my friends, hot wheels, watching horror movies, and drinking alcohol. The only times I'm truly relieved are when I'm drinking. I also don't mind my minimum wage job. However, I know I can't support myself like this for much longer, and actually sustain myself. I don't even want a job. The first 17 years of my life felt like soul sucking work, and I don't want to learn another damn thing in school anymore. I'm not being given a choice. I just want to run into the wilderness, and live off the grid. Whatever happens, happens. I just want to get away from my so called life and travel across the country doing whatever the hell I want to. I'm tired of responsibility! I don't want to die, but I can't seem to find a way to live either. I would welcome a serial killer trying to off me. That way my mom won't think I killed myself.
Sorry for the long ramble, but I needed to get it off. Where does that woman come off telling me to get energy to actually move my life forward? It is all put into trying to not off myself. She should be happy I'm even still alive because I am this close to actually running away from her forever.
