Should've done it while i had the guts

[blueinthedark]

I've been suicidal basically my whole life. I attempted twice, once at 14 and once at 17. They weren't serious attempts, I didn't really know what I was doing, but there was intent. When I was 18 I started seriously planning to go out in a way I knew would work, I had my notes written and everything. I was fully prepared to leave everyone behind and accept the harm it would cause them. And then I got better.

I'm 21 now. I want to die more than I ever have before - every day is a bit more painful to live through than the last, I'm tired of carrying my past on my back, I'm tired of my addiction and my broken brain and the world around me. I want to ctb more than anything. But I can't anymore. I have too many wonderful people in my life now, people who have already been through too much and lost too much, people that I can't bear the thought of hurting like that. I just can't bring myself to do it anymore

I keep finding myself wishing I had just gone through with it when I still had the guts, when I still had my empathy dulled down to nothing. I wish I had died before everything thats happened to me in the past few years. I wish I had gone out and not had to become an adult with responsibilities and people relying on me. I'm trapped in my life by my own growth as a person and I just wish I was dead already. I know I won't ctb now, but i think about it constantly. I'm in agony.

 

[T-Heart]

That was a lot of years, I'm surprised you're strong enough.

Maybe it's the fear, but the desire to end it all and still endure years must be hard.

 

[cockburglar]

I'm 24 and on the same boat, i haven't had any solution other than just doing stuff that makes me happy for a couple minutes everyday and just biding my time until I go out through some natural cause.