Venting Should have killed myself today

[cakedog]

I was actually planing to kill myself today but had to travel with my family for the holidays it was very early in the morning and i was very tired because i haven't been sleeping too much lately but idk what gave me the idea to not just go ahead with it.
i thought that maybe i could get some rest or would have a better method to ctb with here but that's complete bullshit idk what the fuck i was thinking everything was already setup my computer, the stuff i planned to leave to my brother, everything i could have been at this very moment setting the noose around my neck but i threw it all way because i was sleepy?

I'm such an idiot i wish i could time travel to fix my stupidity i almost threw up during the trip and feel even more distant here than i already feel where i live.
I just feel nauseous and uncomfortable and my intrusive thoughts just keep getting worse. I just want to go to a homely place where i can finally be at peace and never feel like this again
but now i have to wait almost 2 weeks to be able to attempt but i'm not making the same mistake again it was just a moment of weakness, the first thing i'm going to do when i return to my city is buying the rope and the second one is placing it around my neck

 

[Gangrel]

i'm sorry you are feeling that way, sending positive energy so you can go through the holidays as painlessly as possible

 

[leftoperish]

Hey don't beat yourself up about it. I kind of believe in timing and that things happen when they are meant to, who know maybe the trip was just the universes way of allowing you spend one last quality time with em at least try to put up a fake smile and pretend you are happy to be there. The time will come when the time will come, but i kind of understand how you feel cause the day i plan to go, it'll be fucking crazy if some dumb shit delays me cause I'm like kagami light (if you fuck with anime and watch death note) i like to plan shit meticulously, and I'm sure I'll lose my shit if it doesn't go exactly according to plan, but still just try to enjoy your time with them especially your brother cause whatever you want to leave him with will mean way more to him. Take care who know we could even catch the same bus ride someday lol

 

[cakedog]

i'm sorry you are feeling that way, sending positive energy so you can go through the holidays as painlessly as possible

Hey don't beat yourself up about it. I kind of believe in timing and that things happen when they are meant to, who know maybe the trip was just the universes way of allowing you spend one last quality time with em at least try to put up a fake smile and pretend you are happy to be there. The time will come when the time will come, but i kind of understand how you feel cause the day i plan to go, it'll be fucking crazy if some dumb shit delays me cause I'm like kagami light (if you fuck with anime and watch death note) i like to plan shit meticulously, and I'm sure I'll lose my shit if it doesn't go exactly according to plan, but still just try to enjoy your time with them especially your brother cause whatever you want to leave him with will mean way more to him. Take care who know we could even catch the same bus ride someday lol

Thanks friends i really appreciate it