Venting Short Vent: Life’s Never Ending Cycle of Torture

[lilli_188]

I know it's something everyone talks about, but it really has only started to hit me that things only get worse. I don't say this to discourage anyone, but I also don't want to induce false hope into anyone's mind.

I've struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was in early elementary school. This is mostly due to the environment I've had to grow up and live in, and my parents being … well, not the kind of people that should have had kids. Regardless, now that I do not live with my parents, I thought the cycle of depressive episodes and nights where I can't stop crying would stop. But they don't. Even in the healthy (ish?) place I live in now with my sister, it's the same. One moment I'll feel hopeful that things may start sailing fluidly just to be crushed for days, even weeks on end, with devastation.

I don't understand what I did to deserve all the wrong that I experienced in my life. I like to think I am a kind person and go out of my way to show it. At my sucky, underpaid retail job I always try to put a smile on others faces even when I get treated like garbage by most of the people I face. School was never better either. People always thought of me differently, and I don't even know what I did wrong.

I wish every single day that I could have been born into a different family. One with a good reputation that made an income just enough for us to live comfortably. I've once in my life been able to say that I am happy with my situation and I hate it so much. Even now, with my studies going kind of well and having a loving boyfriend, it feels like every day I get closer and closer to crumbling inside and out. It's this constant, episodic cycle and I can't get out of it no matter what lengths I go to. I try to change how I am and fail miserably with every attempt. When I do manage to change something about myself, it usually just ends up back how it was, or bad again but in a different way.

All I have to ask is.. why? Why did I have to be so cursed in this life? I take my medication, I get my work done with a smile on my face, and I behave, yet I face the misfortune that other people don't seem to face even once in their week. Even the scum of the earth — our world's murderers and criminals — seem to face half of what pain I do. It's just so unfair. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm over exaggerating or that I'm trying to be different, because it's not my intention. In my perspective, it always seems like everyone else has it all together. I know that what we see on others isn't always what they actually are going through, but even in close connection with others, they still seem to have things … okay. A few mishaps and pain in some areas, yes, but still able to function. I don't think I will be able to function much longer. I don't think I'm necessarily ready to follow through with any sort of serious attempt, not really out of fear but moreso due to a lack of preparation. It is because of this that I think I might end up revisiting a different cycle in my life that I have left a sober streak on for awhile, which is cutting. I just hope this cycle of misfortune slows down soon, because it's getting out of hand and I can't stop crying all night, every night.

This became more of a rant that I anticipated. Have a good night, or day, to anyone who followed through with this read ,, ^^

 

[PanaxMan]

I know it's something everyone talks about, but it really has only started to hit me that things only get worse. I don't say this to discourage anyone, but I also don't want to induce false hope into anyone's mind.

I've struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was in early elementary school. This is mostly due to the environment I've had to grow up and live in, and my parents being … well, not the kind of people that should have had kids. Regardless, now that I do not live with my parents, I thought the cycle of depressive episodes and nights where I can't stop crying would stop. But they don't. Even in the healthy (ish?) place I live in now with my sister, it's the same. One moment I'll feel hopeful that things may start sailing fluidly just to be crushed for days, even weeks on end, with devastation.

I don't understand what I did to deserve all the wrong that I experienced in my life. I like to think I am a kind person and go out of my way to show it. At my sucky, underpaid retail job I always try to put a smile on others faces even when I get treated like garbage by most of the people I face. School was never better either. People always thought of me differently, and I don't even know what I did wrong.

I wish every single day that I could have been born into a different family. One with a good reputation that made an income just enough for us to live comfortably. I've once in my life been able to say that I am happy with my situation and I hate it so much. Even now, with my studies going kind of well and having a loving boyfriend, it feels like every day I get closer and closer to crumbling inside and out. It's this constant, episodic cycle and I can't get out of it no matter what lengths I go to. I try to change how I am and fail miserably with every attempt. When I do manage to change something about myself, it usually just ends up back how it was, or bad again but in a different way.

All I have to ask is.. why? Why did I have to be so cursed in this life? I take my medication, I get my work done with a smile on my face, and I behave, yet I face the misfortune that other people don't seem to face even once in their week. Even the scum of the earth — our world's murderers and criminals — seem to face half of what pain I do. It's just so unfair. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm over exaggerating or that I'm trying to be different, because it's not my intention. In my perspective, it always seems like everyone else has it all together. I know that what we see on others isn't always what they actually are going through, but even in close connection with others, they still seem to have things … okay. A few mishaps and pain in some areas, yes, but still able to function. I don't think I will be able to function much longer. I don't think I'm necessarily ready to follow through with any sort of serious attempt, not really out of fear but moreso due to a lack of preparation. It is because of this that I think I might end up revisiting a different cycle in my life that I have left a sober streak on for awhile, which is cutting. I just hope this cycle of misfortune slows down soon, because it's getting out of hand and I can't stop crying all night, every night.

This became more of a rant that I anticipated. Have a good night, or day, to anyone who followed through with this read ,, ^^

The scum of the earth that get caught experience a lot more pain. You have no idea being in a life sentence is like (besides ones that do get the death penalty)

 

[lilli_188]

The scum of the earth that get caught experience a lot more pain. You have no idea being in a life sentence is like (besides ones that do get the death penalty)

It really depends on the person and what they did…

Almost everyone in my immediate family has spent time in prison and I've heard it all about the people they've met. I am not saying I've got it the worst but it doesn't mean it's easy either. Those prisons have the security of a place to sleep every night and are guaranteed food…and I often question if I will eat for a few days on end. i've been homeless, hungry, beaten, cheated on, injured without rehabilitation, assaulted, I don't know man, but I think I can say life keeps throwing me through the wraps of misfortune

 

[PanaxMan]

It really depends on the person and what they did…

Almost everyone in my immediate family has spent time in prison and I've heard it all about the people they've met. I am not saying I've got it the worst but it doesn't mean it's easy either. Those prisons have the security of a place to sleep every night and are guaranteed food…and I often question if I will eat for a few days on end. i've been homeless, hungry, beaten, cheated on, injured without rehabilitation, assaulted, I don't know man, but I think I can say life keeps throwing me through the wraps of misfortune

Well yeah normal prison for a few years is fine. Sentenced to life well if you are suicidal you better hope you better be at federal and not a state prison

 

[redmourningdove]

To answer your question, which is "Why you feel cursed in this life?" Unfortunately, the human condition does a cruel job at reminding us what we don't have. Even when things are getting better, we yearn for more. And when things aren't getting better, we feel far, far worse. I want to say, not to diminish your pain or the uniqueness of your own experience...but you are not alone. It sounds like you're wired to be a sensitive person who wants to make everyone feel happy. It's not fair that the people like you who feel things very deeply feel more hurt and unseen than people who we actively punish.
The good news is, those same things that make you feel things very deeply will also get you into much more loving relationships, like you describe with your boyfriend, than serial murderers can even dream of. You feel more pain, but you also have FAR more to live for and FAR more smiles to give others. And I hope the depth of the pain you're feeling doesn't make you forget that. Study hard, and with any luck, that "cursed cycle" will have enough love to cushion those lows. You've got this.

 

[lilli_188]

To answer your question, which is "Why you feel cursed in this life?" Unfortunately, the human condition does a cruel job at reminding us what we don't have. Even when things are getting better, we yearn for more. And when things aren't getting better, we feel far, far worse. I want to say, not to diminish your pain or the uniqueness of your own experience...but you are not alone. It sounds like you're wired to be a sensitive person who wants to make everyone feel happy. It's not fair that the people like you who feel things very deeply feel more hurt and unseen than people who we actively punish.
The good news is, those same things that make you feel things very deeply will also get you into much more loving relationships, like you describe with your boyfriend, than serial murderers can even dream of. You feel more pain, but you also have FAR more to live for and FAR more smiles to give others. And I hope the depth of the pain you're feeling doesn't make you forget that. Study hard, and with any luck, that "cursed cycle" will have enough love to cushion those lows. You've got this.

I deeply appreciate your kind response, thank you for this