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[15dec]

Here goes.... I am 48 years old and been fighting depression for as long as I can remember. My family( mother and siblings) has lots of mental health issues and not sure if that played a part. I always felt that one day things would end at my own hands. Then I met my wife and we had two wonderful children. Even though we had what seemed like a postcard family I was in a constant battle inside which I kept hidden.

Suddenly, my beatiful daughter who always had a smile that lite up the room took a change at 13 years old. She wasn't smiling anymore and I recognised the dark path she was starting as it was so familiar from my past. I thought if anyone should be able to help it was me...or so I thought. Suddenly she started cutting her arms and legs. We had her to every posdible support group that we could find. Every time I reached out to her to try and help she pulled farther away. When I would tell her that I understand how she felt as I have gone through simular things , she took it as I was belittling her situation. For the next 4-5 years she slipped farther and farther from us. The shrinks she was seeing seemed to make things worse, flipping her from medication to medication on a monthly basis. During this time my heart slowly broke more and more each day feeling helpless. She would call hotlines and they would tell her to go to emerg at the hospital. The hospital would make light of things and send her home with the number of the same hotline that told her to go in. Then one night while she was spending the night at her grandmothers she CBT'd in the bedroom closet using a necktie and partil suspension.
The pain was unbearable but I knew she was finally at peace. Ever since I have been trying to figure out why I could not save her. I too have been seeing the same shrinks that give out perscription after perscription. We have ever support group in the city. My wife seems to have learned to deal with things but I have not.

Each night I lay awake thinking of what if this?? Or what if that? Since the night she left us joining her is always on my mind. It is like a magnet getting stronger and stronger. Each night I try to look for a way to her. I tried to do partial, as she did several times, and could never totally pass out. My neck is very thick and may be part of the problem. I am tetermined though that no matter what it takes I will find a way to CBT. It must be a sure fire method as ending up as a mental patient would be my worste nightmare. I know this was long but thanks.

I'm incredibly sorry for your loss. I know nothing I can say will take the pain away, but I'm sure your daughter is at peace now. Sending you hugs

 

[Difficult life]

I fear going outside.i always stay in the home.i don't like being with people.i want to stay always alone.i don't have friends.people always bully me.

 

[15dec]

I fear going outside.i always stay in the home.i don't like being with people.i want to stay always alone.i don't have friends.people always bully me.

Sorry to hear that friend, there's a community here for you. Hugs

 

[Jane Doe]

Short story:
Grew up in a toxic family. Bully boy father, mother who didn't know how to love or show us affection.
Bullied all the way through high school, everyday. Pushed, shoved, spat on, called names, rumours made up about me.
Left school, got job. Fell into many disasterous relationships with men who had no money/job. They all used me.
The bullying continued throughout my 20s, work colleagues, so called friends, exs.
Finally, met and married my amazing husband, life was everything I had hoped for.
Husband ctb in January. Out of the blue. No note, no signs. He just left for work one day and never came back.
I cannot live another 50 or whatever years in this hell

 

[Johnnythefox]

Short story:
Grew up in a toxic family. Bully boy father, mother who didn't know how to love or show us affection.
Bullied all the way through high school, everyday. Pushed, shoved, spat on, called names, rumours made up about me.
Left school, got job. Fell into many disasterous relationships with men who had no money/job. They all used me.
The bullying continued throughout my 20s, work colleagues, so called friends, exs.
Finally, met and married my amazing husband, life was everything I had hoped for.
Husband ctb in January. Out of the blue. No note, no signs. He just left for work one day and never came back.
I cannot live another 50 or whatever years in this hell

So sorry Jane.......

 

[15dec]

Short story:
Grew up in a toxic family. Bully boy father, mother who didn't know how to love or show us affection.
Bullied all the way through high school, everyday. Pushed, shoved, spat on, called names, rumours made up about me.
Left school, got job. Fell into many disasterous relationships with men who had no money/job. They all used me.
The bullying continued throughout my 20s, work colleagues, so called friends, exs.
Finally, met and married my amazing husband, life was everything I had hoped for.
Husband ctb in January. Out of the blue. No note, no signs. He just left for work one day and never came back.
I cannot live another 50 or whatever years in this hell

I'm so sorry to hear that. Sending you hugs

 

[Jane Doe]

Thank you @15dec *hugs*

 

[Jane Doe]

So sorry Jane.......

Thanks @Johnnythefox
It's all just so pointless

 

[Johnnythefox]

Thanks @Johnnythefox
It's all just so pointless

I couldn't agree more....

 

[Jane Doe]

I mean, why do we do it? School, jobs, relationships, just to have any bit of happiness ripped away from us. Life is like a cruel joke.

 

[15dec]

I mean, why do we do it? School, jobs, relationships, just to have any bit of happiness ripped away from us. Life is like a cruel joke.

I understand. I don't see very much point in the cycle of education/work/pain. At this point I feel there are more cons than pros. Wishing you the best

 

[Johnnythefox]

I mean, why do we do it? School, jobs, relationships, just to have any bit of happiness ripped away from us. Life is like a cruel joke.

Yip, life is a con...

 

[Jane Doe]

I understand. I don't see very much point in the cycle of education/work/pain. At this point I feel there are more cons than pros. Wishing you the best

And you @15dec is that your date? Sorry if I missed a thread about that

 

[15dec]

And you @15dec is that your date? Sorry if I missed a thread about that

Planning on it. Do have some second thoughts as it's the birthday of a friend and I'm not sure if I should wait till after Christmas so my loved ones aren't upset over the holidays. It is my first opportunity to ctb at least though

 

[Jane Doe]

Planning on it. Do have some second thoughts as it's the birthday of a friend and I'm not sure if I should wait till after Christmas so my loved ones aren't upset over the holidays. It is my first opportunity to ctb at least though

I don't think there's ever a right time. It's so hard to live, so hard to die

 

[15dec]

I don't think there's ever a right time. It's do hard

You're right. If I have the strength I'll try and have one last Christmas

 

[Jane Doe]

You're right. If I have the strength I'll try and have one last Christmas

Good for you. I'm passed the stage of caring about family & friends. I love them, but they will understand

 

[Jane Doe]

Yip, life is a con...

I really have been thinking alot about that lately. Like, is this it? Is it a con? A test?

 

[Johnnythefox]

I really have been thinking alot about that lately. Like, is this it? Is it a con? A test?

Well I've had that mindset for a long time now and think it's a cruel joke!! But I ain't laughing.

 

[Alexiguini]

I have generally just felt like everyone in my life wants me to fail. They're negative, petty, and unintelligent. Half of my family is just straight up bullies, and my ex is a pain in the ass. Unfortunately I have a kid with her and I wish I could just not speak to her ever again but that's not possible now. Not only was she an uncommunicative, angry, bitter person, she let me down at a crucial point that led to me getting brutally attacked and arrested for something that wasn't my fault. I don't trust anyone and the people closest to me only hurt me, yet everyone treats me like I'm selfish for being depressed. I see no truly happy future for myself and I hope someday I develop the courage to commit suicide.

 

[15dec]

I have generally just felt like everyone in my life wants me to fail. They're negative, petty, and unintelligent. Half of my family is just straight up bullies, and my ex is a pain in the ass. Unfortunately I have a kid with her and I wish I could just not speak to her ever again but that's not possible now. Not only was she an uncommunicative, angry, bitter person, she let me down at a crucial point that led to me getting brutally attacked and arrested for something that wasn't my fault. I don't trust anyone and the people closest to me only hurt me, yet everyone treats me like I'm selfish for being depressed. I see no truly happy future for myself and I hope someday I develop the courage to commit suicide.

I'm sorry you feel that way and for the hardships you've endured. Sending you hugs

 

[ReadyasEver]

These stories are extremely helpful. Jane, no one should have to do that. I've told mine in other threads. Peace to all of you.
I'm doing a fasting regimen and eating very specific foods for 10 days, 7 of those will be water only days. By doing this, you increase your body's internal fighting mechanisms and immune system. Cancer cells do not like it, they live off glucose, and without it they can not grow and some die. It's not a cure, but a way to get through the holidays and guarantee some more good time to get things in order, and make sure the people I love are in the right place. I'm going to enjoy this time, I wish I could send everyone of you some comfort also.

 

[Alexiguini]

I'm sorry you feel that way and for the hardships you've endured. Sending you hugs

Thank you

 

[Alexiguini]

Part of me just wants to find someone, a friend or partner, who can at least logically understand what I went through and how that might affect the way I interact with people and wants to live a better life. But I'm starting to feel like that's never going to happen. Most people just don't give a fuck and want to live meaningless lives and don't care if they're miserable.

 

[15dec]

Part of me just wants to find someone, a friend or partner, who can at least logically understand what I went through and how that might affect the way I interact with people and wants to live a better life. But I'm starting to feel like that's never going to happen. Most people just don't give a fuck and want to live meaningless lives and don't care if they're miserable.

I understand, sometimes it does feel truly isolating in the world. Best wishes, hugs

 

[Alexiguini]

I understand, sometimes it does feel truly isolating in the world. Best wishes, hugs

*hugs* also, I read your story about what happened with you, and that sounds devastating. I hope someday you find peace, even if that does happen to be through suicide. It truly hurts me inside to see how cruel people can be, and you never deserved to be treated that way by your family. If it helps, I do appreciate what you've done in this thread and it does make me feel good to know you care.

 

[15dec]

*hugs* also, I read your story about what happened with you, and that sounds devastating. I hope someday you find peace, even if that does happen to be through suicide. It truly hurts me inside to see how cruel people can be, and you never deserved to be treated that way by your family. If it helps, I do appreciate what you've done in this thread and it does make me feel good to know you care.

Thank you, it really does mean a lot to me! I hope you find peace as well, whatever that may be for you

 

[ReadyasEver]

Yes, we are all friends in a common despondency and despair. We all have different reasons, but all wish for it to end. I'm finding more and more tranquil times now over the last couple weeks. Conversing and sharing our pain and doubts is helpful. The rest of society turns it back on so many of us. The site really brings home a positive vibe.it will definitely help me to gain a calmness and peace when the time is right.

 

[15dec]

Yes, we are all friends in a common despondency and despair. We all have different reasons, but all wish for it to end. I'm finding more and more tranquil times now over the last couple weeks. Conversing and sharing our pain and doubts is helpful. The rest of society turns it back on so many of us. The site really brings home a positive vibe.it will definitely help me to gain a calmness and peace when the time is right.

I'm glad you're feeling more tranquil lately and I hope you find peace soon, whether it's ctb or not. Best wishes and sending hugs

 

[MsM3talGamer]

I was the youngest of three, born to a mother who didn't want me and contemplated aborting me. She was a cold, emotionally distant parent who treated me like an unwanted burden. She wouldn't even smile at me let alone talk to me. I have memories of regularly being left all alone from the age of 7 as she never bothered to get me a babysitter.

She enabled my narcissistic sociopath father to terrorize me. She didn't only turn a blind eye, she also encouraged him to abuse me. Then she would smile maliciously and proceed to gaslight me and excuse his brutal behaviour towards me. I had both the role of Lost Child and Scapegoat throughout my hideous childhood.

Some examples of fucked-up stuff psycho dad did to me:

1. Starting from about 3 years old he used to throw me out of the house to "join the other animals outside" (in his words). One of my earliest memories is sitting all alone in a field all day. I was just a little toddler.

2. He would get triggered by any tiny thing I did and beat me up.

3. He would regularly threaten to kill me. I was always in fear of my life.

4. He beat me up for "not smiling" and would mock me when I laughed.

5. He would regularly scream at me and call me a bastard, etc.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. This evil creature has left me with years of deep and unresolved trauma. Therapy, meds and other methods have done little to fix my mental health issues. I have been unable to get married or have a long-term relationship thanks to this beast.

He has left me a shell of a person, destined to drift through life like a ghost. No boyfriend, no friends, I've been left incompatible with life. The rage and deep hurt inside me have finally expressed themselves psychosomatically (cancer) since I've been left numb and unable to feel my emotions.

I go through life like a robot now, unable to connect with other people. It's deeply lonely. Loneliness really kills your soul.