I was born 8 months, since around 5 yo I am very interested in music (and still I do until I die). I had fucking strange mystic experiences before 5 that I don't remember most of them. When I was 7 or 8 yo I finally decided to dedicate my entire life to music, so I never changed my life plan, ever dedicating my time for music more and more. Naturally a shy boy since ever, I always had difficulties to socialize, in school or in any place I visited as a child. When I was 10 yo I realize that was very hard to meet expectations, mine and from my parents, so for the first time I felt hopeless, guilt, sad and suicidal. Like 1 year after I started to be bullied in school, and it become more severe as the years goes by. It happened for 4 years, and at all this time I was moved from school to school, but that problem never stopped in any school I come in. While this was happening in the school, when I was around 12 years my brother was born. He was born 5 months from some complications of my mother's pregnancy, and all the doctors say he would not survive. Because of this, he had so many complications as the time passing by and today he have cerebral palsy. My father, I don't know why, become paranoid and sometimes he had some "attacks" when he accuse my mother of recreancy and they fight. This still happens today. My mother has some emotional disturbs I guess, she have hypothyroidism and sometimes act like she was bipolar. To explain, sometimes she went to depression for no reason, and sometimes, while I was being bullied in school, she humiliated me and mocked up about my situation. When I was 14 yo I start to become obsessed about occultism and was reading about most of time. It brings fights between me and my christian family, and in the school I was the strange recluse boy with a pentagram in my neck reading occultism book and it worsen so much the bullyings to the point I was severe spanked every fucking day. I had not friends at this time. The next year I start to drink, and it was getting worse in this year. Before this year ends I experienced with weed and later coke, and the next 2 years I experienced with heroin and all that I could put my hands on. When I was 15-16 years my father put me in a school that I did not want to go. I was feeling so much anxiety and depression, was cutting myself for maybe 1 year before this, so then I started to hear voices and for the first time my parents bring me to a psychiatrist that prescribed clonazepam for me. I was 15 yo and he put me in 2,5 of clonazepam for the first time. So the first time I take it, my parents say that I was like a zombie for like 2 or 3 days. While this days, I was crawling out and being incoherent, so in the second day I cut all my body with glass, so many cuts around all the fucking body, but I don't remember anything. Times was passing by and I was putted in many different meds at different dosages. When I was in the last year on school I moved to a school that I find some friends with similar interests and for the first time I didn't felt like a freak. I made some friends at this time, friends that still playing in bands with me today. But in this year, I believe in october I experienced with a high dose of Datura and I couldn't remember nothing in this day. My parents was very scared, they told me I take a shower without take off my clothes, babbling incoherently, talking with people wasn't there, acting like mad and things. Since this day I never was the same person again. I'm not like those people that "take a trip and never back" but I was feeling very more anxious, paranoid, reclusive, maybe even having referential delusions. The next year I was with a girl but in a short time because I was paranoid with her, and I discovered she was cheating me. I try my first suicide attempt taking 3g of amitriptyline, some cimetidine and 500mg of diazepam. I didn't die and for the next days I was recovered. Become very reclusive, paranoid. Like one year ago I had a seizure by mixing amitriptyline with tramadol and heroin. I quit that drugs but become very delirious and depressed, so I concluded I need other method. I'm 21 yo now and I practice partial suspension for about 1 year, and soon is the method I will kill myself, when I can fight against my survivor instincts. I tried some times while this time but ever failed. Never been diagnosed. I will kill myself because I feel so much remorse. I'm so reclusive I can't get a job. My mother can't do it because she have to attend my brother, only my dad is working right now and our family is getting destroyed. I don't wanna live anymore and I will kill myself soon. Oh, I tried become drugged out and put a bag in my head like 3 years ago but failed too. God, I'm a fucking failure. I guess this is all about me.
