Story Say something nice.

[gingerplum]

Plot twist: it's not just about being nice.

Hey guys.

I'm not currently in recovery, but this seems more appropriate for the recovery forums. Despite my baseline cynicism and eye-rolling ennui, I genuinely do like helping others.

So, just in the last couple of days I've been back on the boards, a number of people have said some awfully lovely things to me, and shared some really kind thoughts. Of course this makes me feel good, but just as importantly, I hope it makes them feel good, too.

I decided to write a little essay to say that I don't think it's possible to underestimate the positive impact your thoughtful words can have on someone else... and sometimes, even when I'm pretty fucking low, it lifts me up as well. I'll give you an example with a story.

One day a few years ago, I was shopping at K-mart, leaning against my cart thinking, "This place makes me want to kill myself." K-mart, people, amirite? So anyway, I'm shuffling along and a middle-aged woman with five (one, two, three, four, FIVE) children, all under the age of eight, caught my attention. Some of the kids were acting up, and my first thought was, uh-oh, somebody's gonna get it.

I have to stop here and preface this with both an apology and an explanation: here in the south, there are still parents who unapologetically spank. It's both cultural and socioeconomic; among black families it's still by and large the norm. Please forgive me if I seem racist or like I'm stereotyping... this isn't just my flippant observation, it's kind of well known & accepted here. I don't like it, it's not my style, but it is what it is. Welcome to North Florida, y'all. Fall in line or get your asses whooped.

I really hate that I pre-judged her, but honestly I was waiting for this middle-aged black woman to lose her shit and whomp somebody on the butt or the back of the head or whatever extremity was most convenient. Hard to blame her; when my kids were toddlers, I flatly refused to take more than one of them shopping at a time. I know my limitations, and one kid in meltdown or being willful and another in tow is more than I can handle. Somebody hold my extra kid, this gal is tapping the fuck o-u-t.

So, here I am, thinking this poor woman is just trying to buy diapers-- in two sizes, for fuck's sake-- and she's gotta be at least DEFCON Level 3. Now several of the kids are giving her a hard time, and I'm both fascinated and uneasy, waiting to see how this plays out.

Now here's what really throws me: not only did this woman not lose her shit, she never even raised her voice. She gently corrected them; she redirected, and finally, she reminded them what consequences there would be at home if the behaviour continued: time out, no storytime, etc. She was amazing. The child whisperer and SuperNanny rolled into one. Some of the best and most effective child-wrangling I have ever seen, bar none. The kids listened and fell into place. I was in awe.

I ended up behind her in the check out line, and I gently touched her shoulder. "I have to tell you," I said, smiling, "I was watching you with your kids and you're just wonderful with them". "I can't believe how patient you are... it was just a pleasure to see how you interact," I told her.

Well. Her face crumpled, and she actually wiped away tears. "They're not my kids," she said, and explained to me that they were all foster kids, wards of the state under her care. "I love them, I love taking care of them, " she said, "But sometimes I just don't feel like I'm doing well enough by them." I was incredibly moved, and I reassured her, mom to mom, that she really was doing a truly phenomenal job. It was a really nice shared little moment for us both.

Long story short: this woman, a complete stranger to me, was struggling with her own self-doubt and she really needed a kind word. I was in the right place at the right time, and to this day I remember how it felt to see the relief washing over her, how her expression changed to one of gratitude. Felt pretty great.

So. Maybe you're so low you're not even bathing, much less interacting with others. That's ok, we all get that. Not everyone is ready, and that's a-ok. But I want to encourage, maybe even challenge everybody who can, to say something nice to a stranger. Tell them they have a gorgeous smile, or a great haircut, or that they look beautifully put together and chic. Tell someone on the phone what a lovely voice they have. Maybe pay for the person behind you at the McDonald's drive thru... I swear, you won't believe how fun it is and how good it feels.

I'm not in recovery, right now; I don't even know if I'll be able to get there, but I was once and I'd like to be again. I remembered how lifting others up lifted me up, too, and I wanted to share. Sappy? Sure, you bet. But if it works just a little for a heart as cynical and as black as mine, it might work for you as well. Really helps perspective to step outside of yourself and remember we are all basically the same in our need to be validated... and it's such an easy way to elevate your mood.

Say something nice, maybe share a time a stranger was unexpectedly nice to you. I promise you'll get some endorphins, and maybe even some unexpected karma ;).

 

[woodstacker]

UR a class act. How challenging for that dear lady to go out and be willing to "be with her kids/grandkids," as opposed to leaving them at home. It's soooo easy to be judgmental of others, in those situations. I've been on the other side with three kids, who for the most part are well behaved. But hearing such a random act of kindness, well it's "priceless." I would've felt a shot of "dignity given to me, by your humanizing kindness."

 

[gingerplum]

UR a class act. How challenging for that dear lady to go out and be willing to "be with her kids/grandkids," as opposed to leaving them at home. It's soooo easy to be judgmental of others, in those situations. I've been on the other side with three kids, who for the most part are well behaved. But hearing such a random act of kindness, well it's "priceless." I would've felt a shot of "dignity given to me, by your humanizing kindness."

Really appreciate that. Not every interaction will be that profound, of course, but the upshot of it is that it's reciprocal. Spreading even tiny kindnesses can be a real, super legit mood changer, especially if we make a point to do it more often. Win/win.

 

[Quitter]

Thank you. We are kind to each other too rarely, everyone's busy doing their own thing.

I must say, I love the way you write, very entertaining! <3 and no, I'm not saying this as "my compliment of the day" lol

 

[gingerplum]

Thank you. We are kind to each other too rarely, everyone's busy doing their own thing.

I must say, I love the way you write, very entertaining! <3 and no, I'm not saying this as "my compliment of the day" lol

It's therapeutic for me to write sometimes, and it really tickles me that you enjoyed it, thanks! This can totally still count as your compliment, because you made my day.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

More hearts because I could only do one on your post.
P.S. … Happy to have you back.

 

[gingerplum]

More hearts because I could only do one on your post.
P.S. … Happy to have you back.

I think my heart just grew 3 sizes like the Grinch on Christmas day

 

[Susannah]

Thank you for this nice story. Your writing is really good; alive, funny and important. I often find relief in observing my surroundings, and I've met so many helpful people through my life. Many I never got the opportunity to thank.

I've said it before on this site, but I'll repeat it once again, I really appreciate all of you; for sharing, cheering and open up.

Lots of loveS

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I think my heart just grew 3 sizes like the Grinch on Christmas day

Life ripped mine out years ago like in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom.
Just trying to be funny... I don't want to bring this thread down.

 

[gingerplum]

Don't worry, most of the time I feel like someone cut my heart out of my chest with a spoon.

 

[Jen0804]

Here

Ginger plum
Thank you for the helpful advice on my posts over the past two days. You are to the point and honest and I love that about you

Cheers

 

[sleepless]

Thank you for sharing, it was a beautiful and touching encounter. Sometimes people don't realize how the little things can create the largest of impacts. Like when someone looks at a magnificent structure, they don't see the little building blocks that created and hold it together. So many people are struggling in their own way inside, and even though you are too, it was really nice that you provided a cathartic moment to a random stranger. Kudos @gingerplum.

 

[gingerplum]

Plus, it really is therapeutic.

 

[less than]

Thank you for sharing this story. Idk but I guess in rl ppl are often to busy with their self so that they aren't able to see what happens around them. That's included me, too.
So I'll try to keep your story in my mind when I'll next go outside. Hope a smile should be enough for a first trial.

 

[gingerplum]

Thank you for sharing this story. Idk but I guess in rl ppl are often to busy with their self so that they aren't able to see what happens around them. That's included me, too.
So I'll try to keep your story in my mind when I'll next go outside. Hope a smile should be enough for a first trial.

That's what I mean about stepping outside of yourself. Thank you, I would love if you did that!!

 

[eve2004]

I know we are all down and some... out, but thanks for this little gift of a post. You're right, a simple little positive interaction with a stranger or anyone can change your and their outlook for at least a while.

I feel like the more depressed I get, the more patient I am with things and people who would normally irritate me. Maybe because I just have nothing to do, nowhere to go and am good for nothing, but I think I also know there's a reason why people are the way they are. I feel like I am less judgemental.

I also find that the random people in the street who smile at me have this look like they recognize that I'm a bit lost in my life (understatement).

I am grateful for all of you, here and beyond, for making this community so helpful and soothing in our often agonizing lives.

 

[gingerplum]

I know we are all down and some... out, but thanks for this little gift of a post. You're right, a simple little positive interaction with a stranger or anyone can change your and their outlook for at least a while.

I feel like the more depressed I get, the more patient I am with things and people who would normally irritate me. Maybe because I just have nothing to do, nowhere to go and am good for nothing, but I think I also know there's a reason why people are the way they are. I feel like I am less judgemental.

I also find that the random people in the street who smile at me have this look like they recognize that I'm a bit lost in my life (understatement).

I am grateful for all of you, here and beyond, for making this community so helpful and soothing in our often agonizing lives.

This. This so much. See? Eve gets it. Thanks bunches for your support, and right back atcha times a million, friend

 

[SinisterKid]

I remember a friend of mine talking about some of the cultural differences of the southern states [she was Alabama] and I was sometimes shocked, sometimes surprised and often intrigued by some of what she talked to me about.

I often think that some of us are just too damned nice for this world. But that is a completely different issue. I think what you said to that lady was awesome. I was in foster care throughout my teens and I wish just one of them thought about the kids in their care as she did. Most did it for the money.

Simple little tales like yours does help restore a little faith in the human race, no matter how fleeting.

 

[gingerplum]

I remember a friend of mine talking about some of the cultural differences of the southern states [she was Alabama] and I was sometimes shocked, sometimes surprised and often intrigued by some of what she talked to me about.

I often think that some of us are just too damned nice for this world. But that is a completely different issue. I think what you said to that lady was awesome. I was in foster care throughout my teens and I wish just one of them thought about the kids in their care as she did. Most did it for the money.

Simple little tales like yours does help restore a little faith in the human race, no matter how fleeting.

That must've been really tough, being in foster care as a teen. I bet it's quite a story. My kids are just about out of the house, and it's my goal to pull myself together and foster a child. I would really love that.

 

[woxihuanni]

That must've been really tough, being in foster care as a teen. I bet it's quite a story. My kids are just about out of the house, and it's my goal to pull myself together and foster a child. I would really love that.

It must be great to have kids. I dreamt last year that I might have one one day.

 

[NemoZeno]

This wasn't recently (might have been about 2.5 months ago):

I went to my local Walmart to get...I don't remember. It's common now where I live that there are homeless/destitute/whatever hang out near the entrance with a sign asking for help. I saw a tanned skinned, mid 30s mother with a sign that I didn't really make out except for the part about a couple of daughters. There is a 10ish year old and a 5ish one inside the food court where they could relax in the AC. I thought she was Middle Eastern due to the dark skin and my lack of culture but her daughters were pretty pale. Using Google translate, turns out they are Romanian which means there's a decent chance they are Gypsies.

On principle, I completely ignore because I refuse to give cash which 9 out of 10 panhandlers/beggars want. Even if you're a parent. I don't exactly care if you do drugs/smoke but if I give out cash, my only request is that you ARE using it on stuff you absolutely need like food/water/clothes/etc. The panhandlers will be fine in getting their booze/nicotine/etc from someone else's cash.


Anyhow, I went in, got my stuff, paid, then got in the car. I have no idea why I gave it a second thought to that woman but I did because I have always been impulsive like that. I thought, "Fuck it: I'll ask to see if she'll accept me buying things for her. If she insists on cash then whatever: I tried to do the "right" thing."

I went up to her and said that I'm willing to buy $30 worth of necessities for her. We were in agreement. I got a cart, we both went in to get her daughters, and we were off on a shopping spree. Walked through most of the place like we were a family: the mother is choosing the necessities+comforts then putting them in the cart, daughters running around looking or saying "I want this!", and me (quiet but friendly disposition ie I made a conscious effort to have a small smile every second).

We got some socks/clothes for the girls, a queen bed sized blanket, a mix of food ("healthy" cheap stuff like rice+pasta, some deli meat, junk comfort food like ice cream)...and a couple of other things. Nothing was notable about the "journey" except one occurrence towards the end: the youngest is still ignorant of the world because she threw in a Barbie doll into the cart. The mother knows that isn't needed so she said no; tantrum ensues. She's about to learn much harder and crueler shit in life so my pity got me to tell the mother that I'd allow it and won't count it toward the total.



After a leisurely 30min of getting things we went to a "Fuck you, customers" lane ie a self-checkout kiosk. I scanned about a third of the things and it already surpassed my $30 "limit".
Thought:
"Ah fuck....this is what I get for trying to help. This is why I told you to never volunteer for ANYTHING but your naive ass always caves/"forgets" this....F'eh whatever: I don't deserve the money I make anyway (I'm not entitled to 80% of it) and even though this family is in all likelihood stuck in poverty/their Gypsie lifestyle, this will carry them for several days and maybe more so for the daughters."
The silver lining to this is that a another woman came up and asked me if the mother was the one begging in the front. When I confirmed, she handed me 5, $1 bills and I went, "Are you sure?! You probably know but you don't have to."
She said don't worry about it and I thanked her. It was nice that a person decided to help chip in.
I just kept scanning and I think the oldest noticed the limit at one point because she took the ice cream and was going to put it back. I stopped her, smiled, and said, "Don't worry." then scanned the rest.
The mother either siphoned (most of) her societal etiquette/consideration to her daughter or she was exhausted that day and hoped I wouldn't say anything because she never seemed worried about the amount she way buying. I pretty pessimistic and cynical but I think it was a mix of the 2 instead of only being the former.

When I finishing paying, we headed back to where the mother was begging. The oldest popped open an ice cream because 1) it's uncomfortably warm and 2) they'll melt.
I asked her if it was any good. She did a cute funny thing by saying, "Yep! Want one?"
I laughed and said it's ok. Something about her offering what I bought was definitely ironical thus humorous to me ATM.

Some of the food was perishable so I asked if they were good for the next couple of hours. The daughter said they were taking the bus (either continuing their sojourn or to family/relatives) so they seem kind of set. I said good luck to them in Romanian and we parted ways.

I spent about $138. Worth it, in ways. I'll shop again for a mother or father in need when I see beggars moving forward because, whether they deserve it or not, they could use it.

I do this not because I"m "good" or "altruistic": this is expiation and "chaotic" neutral in play.

If you're a self-loathing, quasi-nihilistic person: consider doing what I did if life is too "meh". It's a "good" deed done, FeelsGoodMan.jpg, and why not? Spice up this involuntary labor by doing something you might regret (spending >$30 on people you probably don't care about).

 

[gingerplum]

It must be great to have kids. I dreamt last year that I might have one one day.

I hope your dream comes true. The happiest time of my life was when my kids were little. Having a baby is the most intense, swoony, head-over-heels falling in love feeling you could ever image.

This wasn't recently (might have been about 2.5 months ago):

I went to my local Walmart to get...I don't remember. It's common now where I live that there are homeless/destitute/whatever hang out near the entrance with a sign asking for help. I saw a tanned skinned, mid 30s mother with a sign that I didn't really make out except for the part about a couple of daughters. There is a 10ish year old and a 5ish one inside the food court where they could relax in the AC. I thought she was Middle Eastern due to the dark skin and my lack of culture but her daughters were pretty pale. Using Google translate, turns out they are Romanian which means there's a decent chance they are Gypsies.

On principle, I completely ignore because I refuse to give cash which 9 out of 10 panhandlers/beggars want. Even if you're a parent. I don't exactly care if you do drugs/smoke but if I give out cash, my only request is that you ARE using it on stuff you absolutely need like food/water/clothes/etc. The panhandlers will be fine in getting their booze/nicotine/etc from someone else's cash.


Anyhow, I went in, got my stuff, paid, then got in the car. I have no idea why I gave it a second thought to that woman but I did because I have always been impulsive like that. I thought, "Fuck it: I'll ask to see if she'll accept me buying things for her. If she insists on cash then whatever: I tried to do the "right" thing."

I went up to her and said that I'm willing to buy $30 worth of necessities for her. We were in agreement. I got a cart, we both went in to get her daughters, and we were off on a shopping spree. Walked through most of the place like we were a family: the mother is choosing the necessities+comforts then putting them in the cart, daughters running around looking or saying "I want this!", and me (quiet but friendly disposition ie I made a conscious effort to have a small smile every second).

We got some socks/clothes for the girls, a queen bed sized blanket, a mix of food ("healthy" cheap stuff like rice+pasta, some deli meat, junk comfort food like ice cream)...and a couple of other things. Nothing was notable about the "journey" except one occurrence towards the end: the youngest is still ignorant of the world because she threw in a Barbie doll into the cart. The mother knows that isn't needed so she said no; tantrum ensues. She's about to learn much harder and crueler shit in life so my pity got me to tell the mother that I'd allow it and won't count it toward the total.



After a leisurely 30min of getting things we went to a "Fuck you, customers" lane ie a self-checkout kiosk. I scanned about a third of the things and it already surpassed my $30 "limit".
Thought:
"Ah fuck....this is what I get for trying to help. This is why I told you to never volunteer for ANYTHING but your naive ass always caves/"forgets" this....F'eh whatever: I don't deserve the money I make anyway (I'm not entitled to 80% of it) and even though this family is in all likelihood stuck in poverty/their Gypsie lifestyle, this will carry them for several days and maybe more so for the daughters."
The silver lining to this is that a another woman came up and asked me if the mother was the one begging in the front. When I confirmed, she handed me 5, $1 bills and I went, "Are you sure?! You probably know but you don't have to."
She said don't worry about it and I thanked her. It was nice that a person decided to help chip in.
I just kept scanning and I think the oldest noticed the limit at one point because she took the ice cream and was going to put it back. I stopped her, smiled, and said, "Don't worry." then scanned the rest.
The mother either siphoned (most of) her societal etiquette/consideration to her daughter or she was exhausted that day and hoped I wouldn't say anything because she never seemed worried about the amount she way buying. I pretty pessimistic and cynical but I think it was a mix of the 2 instead of only being the former.

When I finishing paying, we headed back to where the mother was begging. The oldest popped open an ice cream because 1) it's uncomfortably warm and 2) they'll melt.
I asked her if it was any good. She did a cute funny thing by saying, "Yep! Want one?"
I laughed and said it's ok. Something about her offering what I bought was definitely ironical thus humorous to me ATM.

Some of the food was perishable so I asked if they were good for the next couple of hours. The daughter said they were taking the bus (either continuing their sojourn or to family/relatives) so they seem kind of set. I said good luck to them in Romanian and we parted ways.

I spent about $138. Worth it, in ways. I'll shop again for a mother or father in need when I see beggars moving forward because, whether they deserve it or not, they could use it.

I do this not because I"m "good" or "altruistic": this is expiation and "chaotic" neutral in play.

If you're a self-loathing, quasi-nihilistic person: consider doing what I did if life is too "meh". It's a "good" deed done, FeelsGoodMan.jpg, and why not? Spice up this involuntary labor by doing something you might regret (spending >$30 on people you probably don't care about).

I love this story!! Isn't it a great feeling to be able to do something like that, even once in a great while? I figure stuff like this as my charitable donations; I'm an atheist, so I don't go to church and frankly this past year I've been too depressed & out of it to volunteer, although I need to because I know it would make me feel better.

It makes me really happy that you are fortunate enough to be in a position to do such a thing, and it sounds like you really enjoyed it. Extraordinarily generous. Good on ya, Nemo.

 

[NemoZeno]

@gingerplum

Good on you too =] This place, while nice, is pretty dour. Having something different is also nice.
Reading your story was pleasant and, while probably pointless, I kind of hope ("kind of" because "fuck hope" but I don't know what other sentiment to convey) that it stays relevant and we can...IDK "encourage" each other in pointless "good" works.

A dumb flex where we are barely "competing" with each other in doing charity. Not because it matters OR to "one up" anyone but:

1) it may motivate us to do things. While life is garbage, it's obvious that doing things is leagues better than being miserable
2) why the hell not? It feels good
3) it's different. Different can be pleasant
4) whatever: make up your own reason

The above idea sounds like something I'd come up with while high but I'm not ATM....meaning I say incredulously stupid ideas when lucid. Great: now my mind might fixate on how cringey this all is.

 

[gingerplum]

I'm the first to acknowledge it's a little cringey ;). But part of the point is to step outside yourself--> it distracts you from your own misery, and it usually can't help but improve your mood. It can put things in perspective about how fortunate we might be, and-- as silly as it might seem-- stuff like this really will start to shift your brain towards positivity. Even a baby step like eye contact and a smile, even if it's forced.

I get it. I'm a lot less nihilistic than I used to be, but believe me, I know where you're coming from. I love that you're a bitter malcontent with a heart of gold, my friend

 

[woxihuanni]

It is pleasurable for me to make anybody feel better for a moment, simply because it is. Not because it needs to lead to any big change or anything.

It also fascinates me how humans will function until the very end, make jokes, take care of little things, etc. Before ctb or before a battle or whatever. Humans are the weirdest.

 

[Misanthrope]

What a beautiful story. I have always valued kindness. When I was homeless the kindness of others offset the cruelty or I would never have survived. As a way to pay it forward, I will sometimes ask if the homeless I encounter would want to go to a restaurant. Then make a point of just chatting and listening and hopefully make the person not feel so invisible or alone. Even if it is just for an hour. Also this way no one has wiped their dick on the food...

 

[gingerplum]

Wow. Thinking about kindness offsetting cruelty really resonated with me. And what a great reminder to try to focus on what we have to be grateful for; I'm really trying to shift my thinking to focus on gratitude instead of resentment. It's not easy, but I would like to be that person.

 

[Rocksandsand]

Love love love this thread. Kindness and it's value is so underrated. The world is such a harsh place, and sometimes the smallest things can make such a profound difference.

One of my neighbours on the same level of my apartment building has noticed that I am not quite right - it must just be my appearance. I always look disheveled, probably like I need a good sleep and some sun and nutrients. And she always stops for a chat. And sometimes I struggle and she knows that, and never keeps me talking if I'm clearly not good, but she will always check in and just have a light conversation about my dog who is usually with me. And it changes my day. Sometimes after chatting with her I'll fall into a heap at the door once I get inside, just because someone has been nice and I almost feel unworthy of it. But that doesn't change the positive influence it has on me... just knowing that there's another human maybe ten metres down the hall who is kind to me for no reason can completely shift my headspace for the day

Keep up the kindness lovelies

 

[gingerplum]

Love love love this thread. Kindness and it's value is so underrated. The world is such a harsh place, and sometimes the smallest things can make such a profound difference.

One of my neighbours on the same level of my apartment building has noticed that I am not quite right - it must just be my appearance. I always look disheveled, probably like I need a good sleep and some sun and nutrients. And she always stops for a chat. And sometimes I struggle and she knows that, and never keeps me talking if I'm clearly not good, but she will always check in and just have a light conversation about my dog who is usually with me. And it changes my day. Sometimes after chatting with her I'll fall into a heap at the door once I get inside, just because someone has been nice and I almost feel unworthy of it. But that doesn't change the positive influence it has on me... just knowing that there's another human maybe ten metres down the hall who is kind to me for no reason can completely shift my headspace for the day

Keep up the kindness lovelies

I'm so glad you have a kind person looking out for you! It really is hard to underestimate what a difference an interaction like that can make.