Running out of time

[skeletontree]

I don't have much time left (to write a novel-length text), but I try to give as much insight as possible.
So here is what my situation rn looks like:

Two weeks ago I decided that I'm going to ctb between mid and late August. Over the course of the last couple of months I already started cutting ties with most people of my life (friends & work etc.). I spent a lot of time researching different methods, and came to the conclusion that I'm going to use hanging as my way to find peace. It's gonna be painful, and the pain is definitely not what I'm looking forward to, but I had limited means. If the hanging goes wrong, and I'll get another chance, then I'll try to go by jumping. I have no doubts about going along with my plan, but something happened along the way, which puts a hell of additional (time) pressure onto my shoulders.

Two friends of mine found out about my current situation, and logically they desperately tried to contact me (messages & phone calls). I did not respond to anyone, I mean, I could not, it would make everything worse and it wouldn't change my mind from wishing to die and find peace. So today I've got a message (by one of those friends) with a threat: please call me back, or I'll have to call the cops, or your parents (which would also lead to cops). I knew that this would happen, I only hoped it to be a little bit later. Beforehand I blocked my friends number on my mum's phone (while she was away). With this I might have bought myself a little bit more time, but I would say in a few days, maybe even sooner, someone will call the police and then report me missing. So I have to act fast now, which of course makes it all even more stressful and painful than it would have been in the first place. I just about to leave my place and heading to a distant city, to buy the necessary stuff, and then I'll move on to the spot where I want to do it.

When I joined this community, a day ago, I thought I would have a little bit more time to interact with you all, and to get to know at least one or two people here, but well, I'm still super glad that I found this board and that I was able to leave some parts of my story here. I got heavily tortured and bullied in school, psychological abused in a 7 year-long toxic relationship, a transphobic father, and first wanted to ctb when I was around 15-16. My previous ctb attempts mainly failed because of bad preparation, SI kicking in, or getting caught. I tried a lot of stuff, therapy, meds, but nothing helped me to reduce the pain, the wish always stayed the same: I want to die (and find peace).

So wish me luck, that I succeed on my path to peace, and that it all will be over soon. If you don't hear from me (let's say in a week from now on), consider me gone.

 

[venin]

I don't have much time left (to write a novel-length text), but I try to give as much insight as possible.
So here is what my situation rn looks like:

Two weeks ago I decided that I'm going to ctb between mid and late August. Over the course of the last couple of months I already started cutting ties with most people of my life (friends & work etc.). I spent a lot of time researching different methods, and came to the conclusion that I'm going to use hanging as my way to find peace. It's gonna be painful, and the pain is definitely not what I'm looking forward to, but I had limited means. If the hanging goes wrong, and I'll get another chance, then I'll try to go by jumping. I have no doubts about going along with my plan, but something happened along the way, which puts a hell of additional (time) pressure onto my shoulders.

Two friends of mine found out about my current situation, and logically they desperately tried to contact me (messages & phone calls). I did not respond to anyone, I mean, I could not, it would make everything worse and it wouldn't change my mind from wishing to die and find peace. So today I've got a message (by one of those friends) with a threat: please call me back, or I'll have to call the cops, or your parents (which would also lead to cops). I knew that this would happen, I only hoped it to be a little bit later. Beforehand I blocked my friends number on my mum's phone (while she was away). With this I might have bought myself a little bit more time, but I would say in a few days, maybe even sooner, someone will call the police and then report me missing. So I have to act fast now, which of course makes it all even more stressful and painful than it would have been in the first place. I just about to leave my place and heading to a distant city, to buy the necessary stuff, and then I'll move on to the spot where I want to do it.

When I joined this community, a day ago, I thought I would have a little bit more time to interact with you all, and to get to know at least one or two people here, but well, I'm still super glad that I found this board and that I was able to leave some parts of my story here. I got heavily tortured and bullied in school, psychological abused in a 7 year-long toxic relationship, a transphobic father, and first wanted to ctb when I was around 15-16. My previous ctb attempts mainly failed because of bad preparation, SI kicking in, or getting caught. I tried a lot of stuff, therapy, meds, but nothing helped me to reduce the pain, the wish always stayed the same: I want to die (and find peace).

So wish me luck, that I succeed on my path to peace, and that it all will be over soon. If you don't hear from me (let's say in a week from now on), consider me gone.

I'm sorry about your situation. I wish you nothing but the best

 

[FuneralCry]

That really sounds so horrible what you've had to endure, I hate how in this world people cannot just die in peace without the risk of other people cruelly interfering, it isn't like any of us are obligated to continue existing here in the first place and I wish people accepted that fact. But anyway I hope you find true peace from this existence, best of luck.

 

[skeletontree]

Update:

I'm even more in pain and devastated than before now, because I kinda failed.
So yesterday I bought two 12 mm thick ropes (one as a backup) and double checked them, and even found a good spot for it at night. Everything was ready, but then an unexpected group of people started night-hiking pretty close. So I waited a bit for them to leave, but another problem occured: heavy rain. Then instead of giving it another try I went to a different location for my alternative method to ctb, jumping from a high bridge (not into the water, but concrete and rocks).

It was already night and dark, and I was just about to approach the lethal jumping spot, when a cyclist suddenly stopped in front of me and wanted to check on me. I told him I'm fine, and all that I was doing was enjoying the beautiful night sky up there. Unluckily that didn't work, so he tried to start a conversation. I played along, I mean to get rid of him, but ofc I did not tell him anything about my ctb thoughts or plans. He told me much personal stuff and hoped to receive some from me in exchange, but I stood still. And as soon as I realized that he won't call the cops, I quit the convo and quickly moved far away from the bridge. Now, several hours later and after having been on the run for almost a day, my whole body burns, and my legs are pretty dead'ish.

The more time passed, the greater the amount of desperate message attempts from my friends and my mother had become. It went on right till shortly after midnight, then there was complete silence. I guess it was too exhausting for them, or they've lost a bit of hope, or try to get some sleep. I can only imagine the terrible and traumatizing pain they are going through right now. But knowing that they are completely aware of my ctb attempts now, means to me that I'm even more determined to end this as fast as possible. It's all too much to bear for me, and their pain definitely adds to the pain and pressure I'm feeling.

Right now it's 4:32 am, I'm lying in a field, the moon and stars shining above me. But I'm not lying down here for the view but to give my feet a little rest. I think I'll continue soon, try to find another spot to hang myself. I use the resting time to once again practice some slipknots. I'm so tired, but I don't want to give up now. Even the cold temperatures don't matter to me anymore.

I also did not eat or drink much on the last couple of days, so I almost passsed out yesterday. Would have been a good tool to overcome SI before jumping, because it would be more of a "falling" thing then.

I don't know if I will have any energy left to do another one, in case the upcoming third attempt fails. Let's hope it won't come to that. Don't want to get locked on closed ward.

What helped me most to stay calm in this hell: noise-canceling headphones (with, but also without music). I never was this calm when things got serious and close to the end.

 

[bluesoapyskies]

Update:

I'm even more in pain and devastated than before now, because I kinda failed.
So yesterday I bought two 12 mm thick ropes (one as a backup) and double checked them, and even found a good spot for it at night. Everything was ready, but then an unexpected group of people started night-hiking pretty close. So I waited a bit for them to leave, but another problem occured: heavy rain. Then instead of giving it another try I went to a different location for my alternative method to ctb, jumping from a high bridge (not into the water, but concrete and rocks).

It was already night and dark, and I was just about to approach the lethal jumping spot, when a cyclist suddenly stopped in front of me and wanted to check on me. I told him I'm fine, and all that I was doing was enjoying the beautiful night sky up there. Unluckily that didn't work, so he tried to start a conversation. I played along, I mean to get rid of him, but ofc I did not tell him anything about my ctb thoughts or plans. He told me much personal stuff and hoped to receive some from me in exchange, but I stood still. And as soon as I realized that he won't call the cops, I quit the convo and quickly moved far away from the bridge. Now, several hours later and after having been on the run for almost a day, my whole body burns, and my legs are pretty dead'ish.

The more time passed, the greater the amount of desperate message attempts from my friends and my mother had become. It went on right till shortly after midnight, then there was complete silence. I guess it was too exhausting for them, or they've lost a bit of hope, or try to get some sleep. I can only imagine the terrible and traumatizing pain they are going through right now. But knowing that they are completely aware of my ctb attempts now, means to me that I'm even more determined to end this as fast as possible. It's all too much to bear for me, and their pain definitely adds to the pain and pressure I'm feeling.

Right now it's 4:32 am, I'm lying in a field, the moon and stars shining above me. But I'm not lying down here for the view but to give my feet a little rest. I think I'll continue soon, try to find another spot to hang myself. I use the resting time to once again practice some slipknots. I'm so tired, but I don't want to give up now. Even the cold temperatures don't matter to me anymore.

I also did not eat or drink much on the last couple of days, so I almost passsed out yesterday. Would have been a good tool to overcome SI before jumping, because it would be more of a "falling" thing then.

I don't know if I will have any energy left to do another one, in case the upcoming third attempt fails. Let's hope it won't come to that. Don't want to get locked on closed ward.

What helped me most to stay calm in this hell: noise-canceling headphones (with, but also without music). I never was this calm when things got serious and close to the end.

be careful. dont get caught. wishing you the best, i hope you find peace

 

[skeletontree]

Update:

I failed completely, and I cannot even put it in words anymore, the devastation and pain that I am feeling now. I made the third ctb attempt (tuesday evening), and everything looked good, I passed out,.. but instead of finally being dead, i woke up in a hospital. Someone found me and called for an ambulance. Next thing I remember: the police asked me stuff at my bedside, especially about the methods and equipment used. I stayed silent and refused to answer. But because the signs/evidence of an ctb attempt were pretty clear, there was nothing I could do about what would follow: closed ward at a mental hospital.

And there I am now, with light memory issues and a hurting scar on my neck. But that is nothing, compared to the pain I feel in general. I still determined to die, more than ever, especially after I was told who saved me...my best friend. I cannot imagine what trauma it must have been for her, to find me hanging there in the woods.

She does everything to drag me back into life, she even ignores her own boundaries, and it hurts so much, seeing her like that.

The staff here in the hospital is okay, most of them are genuine nice people, but not all of them. I've already checked if there are any practical ctb-possibilities in here, but it's tricky. But I think I can work something out, I mean, the staff is already slowly trusting me more and more.