Venting respect is keeping me alive

[tsutsu]

yesterday, i was really hoping i would try to ctb again, but someone i knew passed away. i feel really awful about him dying, and i hate how i feel kinda mad because he died. i keep doing this. delaying because some friends wanna hang out, delaying cause its someones birthday soon, delaying becauae of a holiday.

i desperately want to die, but i keep telling myself that itll just make everything worse if i dont do it at a good time. the more i delay, the more scared i am that someones gonna find out what im doing and try and stop me or send me to a mental hospital, but i cant stop delaying.

this has been going on for as long as ive tried to ctb, and i hate how well it works at keeping me alive. i cant wait for a day thatll have no plans, nothing going on, and no one home.

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

I can understand putting it off to not spoil some event or occasion. At least on the surface because it's probably at least partly jus stalling. I have one more milestone to clear and then I am not going to postpone anymore for that reason. Death is always going to be inconvenient in some way.

 

[warmsand]

Don't force it to happen, only you will know when the right time has come. It will be a feeling, not a logical decision.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think that it's really difficult to set a date for ctb as after all, life certainly is so unpredictable and uncertain. It does sound like a frustrating situation to be in, I wish that we existed in a world where suicide wasn't so stigmatised so that we could just die in peace without all the secrecy.

 

[angeliccry]

look, if you keep delaying it and continue to find some sort of value in your life you really have to sit and think, "do i really want this ?", "is this really the best solution", take your time, have some rest. people seem to care and be interested in you, im not sure if ending it would be the best thing to do, perhaps try to find what's causing all of this. seek some sort of understanding. maybe you are meant to be kept alive. don't act on impulses otherwise you may be left with damage. take care of yourself and think good before trying anything.