relapsing into addiction

[pancakelover20]

i act like im recovered in between relapses. i sct like i got it down. in reality i just dont give a fuck about life. i want something fast that feels good. fuck anythjng or anyone that interferes. fuck everyone and everything. leave me alone. give me my drugs and dark and quiet. i want to shut out the world and everything else. i dont care about my life or anything. im tried of acting like i do.

zero expectations
no one needing anything from me
no future
no more fixing
no more meaning
alone + quiet
oblivion.

"you need discipline! why dont you care? you need meaning! fulfill your purpose! why dont you want to fix your life?"

why would i want to stay tapped into an existence that feels unbearable?

sometimes i dont want long term benefits. im tired of act like i know what im doing or i CARE.
i dont want to care anymore about being clean
or profound insight
or personal growth
or to be controlled
or to be "appealing" for people
or to even cope healthily at all.

because for what?

because YOU feel its wrong?

"a job? relationships? friends? college?"

im tired of acting like i care.

"why dont you even do anything?"

i just want the world to shut the fuck up

oh, and when i go out to the parking lot to relapse…i get a text saying "hey dont do what i think youre gonna go do…dont listen to that voice!"

all i ever hear is "dont dont dont dont dont" "wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong" from myself and everyone else. fuck yall fuck this fuck me im tired of giving a fuck.

im not deep, im not good, i dont know anything, im not content or a good person. im fake, im a liar, i dont know what im doing ever, im a loser, i just want my drugs. im tried of lying, im tired of living. thats my real dialogue.
yes, im doing this while paying a fuck ton for a special recovery program. FUCK LMAO
holy fuck i just realized i actually do want to just kill myselfZ

 

[NameOfAction]

Well I don't think it's wrong.

Our existence is meaningless and painful. Drugs do feel better than their absence. it's perfectly normal human behavior to alter one's state of mind. It's the earliest form of coping, even monkeys do it.

You do want to stop using tho. Probably not just for conformity, or college, or because that's what's expected.

You feel like you can't tho. You really feel like you can't stop and so convince yourself you don't even want to. Like a little child saying "Well I didn't want to play anyway" and quitting mid game when they know they're losing.

You aren't losing. It's impossible to recover without relapsing. It's par for the course. It's not bad or disappointing, it's what people do.

Don't let all that time and money go to waste, quitting is perfectly within your capabilities wherever you like it or not.

Is it hard? Yea. Will you relapse again? Probably. Is it worth dying over? Fuck no. Do you think Kurt Cobain handled it well? Fucker thought being a corpse beat being a junkie and just about every single thinking human disagrees vehemently to this day.

Anyway, you do you. Harm reduction>abstinence. Don't say 'fuck it', measure and test carefully. Quitting isn't about delayed gratification, more about who you want to be(when you grow up)

Being an addict shouldn't be the insult that it is in current society. Certainly better than being dead. Tomorrow is a new day and you absolutely don't have to keep using when you know you're sick of it

 

[pancakelover20]

Well I don't think it's wrong.

Our existence is meaningless and painful. Drugs do feel better than their absence. it's perfectly normal human behavior to alter one's state of mind. It's the earliest form of coping, even monkeys do it.

You do want to stop using tho. Probably not just for conformity, or college, or because that's what's expected.

You feel like you can't tho. You really feel like you can't stop and so convince yourself you don't even want to. Like a little child saying "Well I didn't want to play anyway" and quitting mid game when they know they're losing.

You aren't losing. It's impossible to recover without relapsing. It's par for the course. It's not bad or disappointing, it's what people do.

Don't let all that time and money go to waste, quitting is perfectly within your capabilities wherever you like it or not.

Is it hard? Yea. Will you relapse again? Probably. Is it worth dying over? Fuck no. Do you think Kurt Cobain handled it well? Fucker thought being a corpse beat being a junkie and just about every single thinking human disagrees vehemently to this day.

Anyway, you do you. Harm reduction>abstinence. Don't say 'fuck it', measure and test carefully. Quitting isn't about delayed gratification, more about who you want to be(when you grow up)

Being an addict shouldn't be the insult that it is in current society. Certainly better than being dead. Tomorrow is a new day and you absolutely don't have to keep using when you know you're sick of it

thanks for this response like honestly it made me feel better—im 8 days clean tonight and going to keep it up

 

[vascomorrow]

thanks for this response like honestly it made me feel better—im 8 days clean tonight and going to keep it up

Keep it up. Day by day. Im 1948 days since ive used. Stay strong brother

 

[bipolar22]

Whats drug yalsl tslkijg sbout. Too highbon benzos maybe I missed the part what u meant. Id it heroin? Just out of intrest. Oh yall want respond properly anwyay since we know these forums full of dicks so whwtver ill imagine it