ninevoltheart
Member
- Aug 13, 2023
- 25
i fucked up the other day and started self-harming again. i was really trying to stay clean these past couple months, threw away my blades and everything. but i got upset and, honestly, it was such a relief to just bleed all those feelings out. so now i'm back to doing it consistently.
problem now is that my boyfriend is going to find out. i've been using my cycle as an excuse not to have sex/get naked (my scars are on my thighs/genitals), but now that its over i don't really have one. i'm a bad liar, so it'd be obvious if i kept blowing it off for a reason.
if i could go back to oxy i wouldn't sh nearly as much, but its hard when: 1. i don't have access to it + 2. i'm with someone who cares too much about what i do with my body. i love him, deeply, but i hate myself so, so much more.
i feel caught between a rock and a hard place. i know that i should get better for him. stop sh-ing, stop seeking out drugs in the hopes of finding one that makes me feel something. i blew nearly $200 on coke in a week because i thought i'd feel better, and in the end it just caused a lot of distrust. but, on the other hand, i don't want to get better. i only want to get worse.
right now i'm just trying to prolong him finding out and enjoy the self-destruction while i can. i just wish it wasn't so hard. i started doing this because i was suffocating from guilt, but now its making that feeling worse.
i'm just so done with everything. there's really no point in me living if it only brings others pain.
problem now is that my boyfriend is going to find out. i've been using my cycle as an excuse not to have sex/get naked (my scars are on my thighs/genitals), but now that its over i don't really have one. i'm a bad liar, so it'd be obvious if i kept blowing it off for a reason.
if i could go back to oxy i wouldn't sh nearly as much, but its hard when: 1. i don't have access to it + 2. i'm with someone who cares too much about what i do with my body. i love him, deeply, but i hate myself so, so much more.
i feel caught between a rock and a hard place. i know that i should get better for him. stop sh-ing, stop seeking out drugs in the hopes of finding one that makes me feel something. i blew nearly $200 on coke in a week because i thought i'd feel better, and in the end it just caused a lot of distrust. but, on the other hand, i don't want to get better. i only want to get worse.
right now i'm just trying to prolong him finding out and enjoy the self-destruction while i can. i just wish it wasn't so hard. i started doing this because i was suffocating from guilt, but now its making that feeling worse.
i'm just so done with everything. there's really no point in me living if it only brings others pain.
