I'm Persie. I'm a 30 year old woman and this is my last ditch attempt to live.
I almost died during my mother's pregnancy due to her unsuccessful attempts to abort me. My subsequent survival of an emergency, premature birth was considered a "miracle." I was born on the brink of death, with my intestines growing outside of my body and with brain damage that would later lead to a diagnosis of an incurable disability.
The few photos I have seen of myself post-birth show a tiny, fragile little being, mottled in shades of red and blue and barely conscious. I could fit neatly, like a wounded bird, in someone's hand.
I am one of those people that, based on probabilities, should have died. Most newborn babies in my position die, if they are ever born at all. Instead, with these many odds stacked against me, I lived. I not only regularly wished I hadn't been born, a cruel twist is that I wasn't meant to be here. I have felt that sense of not belonging - like a puzzle piece that doesn't fit - for my entire life. I was not only unwanted, but so very close to death when I was cut from my mother's womb and rescued.
Since that day, I experienced abuse and terror that words do no justice to articulate. I was physically abused, sexually abused, tortured, forced to witness extreme violence, forced to witness animal cruelty, exposed to death and so much more.
I am sharing this because it is important to understand that suicidality has been a prominent part of my life for a very,
very long time. The thoughts began at the age of 4. The intent began at age 9. I have tried to take my life through several different stages, at different ages. In an existence seemingly consisting of relentless suffering with no-one to turn to, suicide was like a friend with their hand on my shoulder, assuring me that they can make all of this agony, all of this abuse, all of these bleak series of events simply vanish.
My life never felt like a "miracle." I never felt "saved." I felt broken and cursed and damaged.
This is my final attempt to find some semblance of healing. I will give my very best effort, but cannot promise to succeed, only to try my hardest.
I do not expect to "fully" recover, or to be free from my struggles. Truthfully, "recovery" doesn't feel like the right word for me. I will always have to carry the weight of my traumas on my shoulders. I will always be disabled. I will always be chronically ill. These cannot be cured - I cannot "recover" from these in the same way I recovered from a broken arm as a little girl. However, I would like to learn to manage them, to carry them without being completely crippled by them. I would like to be a better person because of my situation, not in spite of it.
The medication I am currently taking for my chronic illnesses and the progress I have made in my symptoms has instilled some hope that life with these conditions is perhaps possible for me. Not easy, but possible.
If you have read my post to this point, thank you so much for persevering and for giving your time to listen to a part of my story.
I am seeking to connect with others who are attempting to improve their lives, particularly those who have also experienced abuse and trauma. This is not a requirement, but I feel those who have endured these things understand one another more deeply, in ways that can never truly be matched by those who haven't experienced repeated abuse and trauma themselves. I am open to listening to your story if you would like to share what you have been through in life, but there is no expectation or pressure to do so.
While light-hearted chatting would be welcome, I am also interested in being able to be transparent about our feelings, our progress, our setbacks and our struggles. I am not seeking constant, forced positivity, motivational quotes, platitudes or anti-choice rhetoric. I recognise these may be useful to some, but they are not for me. I want both parties to be able to freely discuss death, suicide and to give ourselves - and each other - permission to fuck up and get lost while navigating this long, complicated journey towards making this life worth living. Let's get lost and - hopefully - find our way together.
All ages, genders, backgrounds and walks of life are very welcome to reach out. I'd much prefer to keep in contact on a different platform if possible (not immediately, but after we have gotten to know each other a little), such as Discord, Telegram or Protonmail, but I'm prepared to talk here too if that's more comfortable for you. My replies will likely be more delayed here because I try to use SS somewhat sparingly.
We can respond to one another at our own pace and create a safe channel of communication where we can chat anytime, support one another, and reply in our more able moments. I will listen and be here to provide nonjudgmental support, no matter what happens or what decision you reach in future.
Feel free to contact me anytime, and we can see if our aspirations, interests and views are aligned (and even if they are not, perhaps we can learn something new from each other).
I wish all of you the very best in your endeavour to improve your lives and I truly hope you all find the companionship and support you deserve. Sending lots of love