Namelesa
Trapped in this Suffering
- Sep 21, 2024
- 1,467
Since Monday evening I have been in so much pain. I am only able to write this now cus I used medication that makes me sleepy calming me down a bit. I am still miserable tho. I feel like I am never going to get better. I just want to die but I feel like I am morally obligated to stay cus I know I am valued here and could do other things in my life to benefit others so I need to continue to suffer.
The only way I feel like I am going to get better is by being able to physical be with someone always that I can be close to, give me comfort and praise and the other person can get something out of me and use me. Something like a relationship or close friendship. However who the fluff is actually going to want to be with me? Who is going to want to be with such a suicidal person like me to the point I don't see death as a bad thing at all. No one that isn't from SaSu is actually going to want to be with me and fully accept me. I am too much of an emotional burden. My needs are too much for others to deal with. Only people from here are actual going to like me but most of us are so far away from each other and are ticking time bombs so I can't see anything working out. Also the fact I am trapped home by my parents makes it even harder for any potential of being with anyone impossible to do.
God why can't I be how I was before my first relationship? Why did I get into one? Before that I was a loner and more okay with life. Being in one was the best feeling ever to me and now I longer have it and now always crave that feeling like I am in withdrawal to an addiction. Nothing in my life now can compare to the feelings I felt when being in one. But I am too broken now. Being with people is so scary with the possibility or rejection or abandonment but not being with people is so miserable and empty. I feel so helpless on my own but being with others is so anxiety inducing as I could be asking for too much or do something wrong. I can only be consistently happy with I was to be with someone but any time away from that person makes me anxious and them leaving me all together will break me more than I already am and I become more miserable. I can't cope either way. I can't live like this.
The only way I feel like I am going to get better is by being able to physical be with someone always that I can be close to, give me comfort and praise and the other person can get something out of me and use me. Something like a relationship or close friendship. However who the fluff is actually going to want to be with me? Who is going to want to be with such a suicidal person like me to the point I don't see death as a bad thing at all. No one that isn't from SaSu is actually going to want to be with me and fully accept me. I am too much of an emotional burden. My needs are too much for others to deal with. Only people from here are actual going to like me but most of us are so far away from each other and are ticking time bombs so I can't see anything working out. Also the fact I am trapped home by my parents makes it even harder for any potential of being with anyone impossible to do.
God why can't I be how I was before my first relationship? Why did I get into one? Before that I was a loner and more okay with life. Being in one was the best feeling ever to me and now I longer have it and now always crave that feeling like I am in withdrawal to an addiction. Nothing in my life now can compare to the feelings I felt when being in one. But I am too broken now. Being with people is so scary with the possibility or rejection or abandonment but not being with people is so miserable and empty. I feel so helpless on my own but being with others is so anxiety inducing as I could be asking for too much or do something wrong. I can only be consistently happy with I was to be with someone but any time away from that person makes me anxious and them leaving me all together will break me more than I already am and I become more miserable. I can't cope either way. I can't live like this.
