Venting receiving a gift made me want to kill myself

[angel164]

My mother got me a gift and it triggered a terrible reaction on my part, I showed gratitude of course, I don't want her to be upset in any way.
but I was holding back literal tears out of irritation, I have told her countless of times to not get me that thing and anything at all, because I know that anything my family gives me is automatically like leverage..
I hate favors from people, I hate nice gestures, I hate when they do things for me, because It only feels like GUILT. like oh they did that, so now you cannot upset them in any way. like if i get angry or sad the time passing after this gesture, I would be told "we do this and we give you this and now you treat us like this".... and they use it to make me do things for them, make me feel obligated and have no option but to do what they want, because if I don't.. then I am a bad person.
they also talk a lot behind my back.... not fun
they made me hate everything good because I know its for manipulation, whether they are aware of it or not.
I had a genuine time in my life where I enjoyed when I got things from people.. it was brief, I was a child, I think at 7 or 8 is where I remember starting to hate gifts... I am losing my memory
all the things I got from people, I noticed that I cannot enjoy it.
and every time I get something from someone I want to kill myself so that I wont have to deal with them controlling me with it.
I become so wary from everyone, even distant family members who decide to be kind, provably with no ill intentions, considering I do not see them often, but I still cant get myself to enjoy it.
I am so tired of not enjoying anything. the only stuff I enjoyed ever are things I got with my own money, like from working a job, now I am unemployed so everything I buy is from my parents money.
so I always hate buying things
but now I am very close to getting hired to a new job now so that's good.
at least the stuff I will buy in this duration of time before I ctb will be things I will be able to enjoy
I want to kill myself so I don't have to deal with this stuff. strange stuff

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

That sounds horrible, mate. I get that a little too, but not to your extent. Are there any situations when that doesn't happen? Still mate, seems horrible. Sorry for you.

 

[angel164]

That sounds horrible, mate. I get that a little too, but not to your extent. Are there any situations when that doesn't happen? Still mate, seems horrible. Sorry for you.

Thank you so much, I appreciate you. and I am sorry you get that too <3
I get that almost every time, but to certain extent I guess, depending on who is giving or doing
but its okay, I have to make my own money and get my own things, that way it will finally feel nice you know
sending you best wishes.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

Thank you so much, I appreciate you. and I am sorry you get that too <3
I get that almost every time, but to certain extent I guess, depending on who is giving or doing
but its okay, I have to make my own money and get my own things, that way it will finally feel nice you know
sending you best wishes.

That's good, at least you've got some people you trust. At least more than others. And thanks, mate. Wishing you peace and love

 

[Zyntkalla]

I don't have those types of feelings. I do get stuff from them but it only is usually Christmas & B-day. One way you could deal with this is donate the stuff before you go or finish it if you can like if it a book or something like that.

That is what I am planning to do or at least one of my plans I might do if I can hold on for about 3-5 years. But at this point I might do it way earlier. And to be honest I am thinking of just walking out of life with no trace or leave a nasty note to some people. And I really don't give a shit if it causes a lot of pain I am planning on that on happen. I just don't really care anymore anyway I have been dealing with so much shit lately & it more likely continue that way. Thay are asking for it anyway.