Rate your suicidal thoughts thread (1-10)

[noname223]

4. The suicidal ideation is not the worst thing. My anxiety is once again through the roof I have soon exams and I am just freaking out. I cannot stand that pressure anymore. I think I will increase the dosage of the addictive medication otherwise I might become psychotic again. I am extremely exhausted and not even 10 hours sleep can give me enough strength. I noticed my threads got less responses recently. I might do a break because I try to save energy for college. The anxiety is extremely tormenting. The pressure is torturous. And I am not sure how close I am to a breakdown. In the last semester I was surprised that even with 8 hours daily sleep I can become paranoid as fuck. Which was a frightening experience. I have extreme panic to study more and more though so far I could resist that impulse. I am scared to relapse. But at the same time I am scared about addiction. Though I think the prior one is more likely considering the circumstances. I am just following what my psychiatrist told me to do.

The weight on my shoulders feels very uncomfortable. If I fuck it up I have to kill myself soon. Though I think currently I have it under control. The second exam will be the way way worse and more dangerous situation. I am anxious as fuck to be honest. I would like to throw up but this would not help. I am scared I am way beyond my limit. But if I successfully pass the exams I will have long holidays where I reduce the tolerance to these addictive medication. Fuck my life!

 

[Shaylla1998]

9
I have no desire to live and hope to CTB soon™.

 

[SlenderM]

5 - 6 I have no desire to ctb but at the same time I get suicidal thoughts.

- S

 

[love_peep]

to be honest, I think about ctb so often that over these few months I have several ways of ctb. Because of my suicidal depression I have lost everything but I will find peace

so I would say 10/10

 

[noname223]

4. I think I am close to a mental breakdown. Due to the fact I want to save energy I gave me a break posting new threads. Recently many old members who liked them were not online anyway.

I have exams and it is extremely bonecrushing. I take a full pill of a benzo and a z-medication daily to prevent a relapse. I am completely sure without that a psychotic episode would have happened. I am not sure how far I am beyond my limit but I think a lot. The benzo gives me the feeling like I could work 24/7 without taking breaks and that there was no limit. The z-medication gives me the necessary sleep quality. I numb my feelings because my nervous system is due to child abuse extremely fucked. I am closest to becoming an addict I ever was. Though not taking the medication would lead to a breakdown with the consequence that I have to kill myself. I have pretty long holidays after the exam (if I pass them)s. In the past I could easily stop taking them after the exam pressure was gone.

The whole situation is pretty insane. The next exam is the subject I fear the most. And my crush will be there. I hope I can prevent to be once again psychotic during an exam and acting very weird in front of her. Though even if that happens I fucked it up so much already that trying to move on is my only option with her.

I comfort myself with saying something like "My life is sort of a rockstar lifestyle" always taking medication which can give good feelings to cope with the stress and anxiety. The sole difference is I am not on an worldtour instead I try to maintain a GPA of 3.9 and the medication is used in a medical not abusive way. I was concerned when I talked with my psychiatrist about the frequency and amount of such addictive medication. She told me to relax and I should just take them LMAO. I have some ethical and health related concerns and she just says take them already. Lol. I need a similar one soon she retires soon. I hope I find another therapist that supports me with this kamikaze strataegy.

 

[Dead Ghost]

8

 

[TapeMachine]

7, I suppose.

I wish I didn't have to carry on, but I know ctb is an impossibility at the present time (not a physical impossibility, more of a mental block based on personal feelings.)

 

[thebookofdisquiet]

7, sometimes I hate my rationality, can't stop overthinking my plan and "what ifs", there's nothing I fear more than being found and rescued so I'm desperate to go but not confident.

 

[MadAna]

Today is a 9.. im not made to live this world... i just cant.. but the only thing that keeps me alive is my boyfriend... its been 7 years since we've been togheter.. hes the only reason that keep me alive.. for the rest.. i just cant... im looknig forward to buy some SN.. just in case... love you all guys... should be a right to CBT peacfully and provided by law...(sorry for my english)

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

I'm thinking it's a 9. Don't think it's been under 7 in weeks. At night it gets worse and I'll be at a 10. That's the downside to living alone and having nobody to talk to.

 

[Chara]

Eight point seven five

 

[Sapphire]

9

 

[colorlesshue]

1 is very low suicidality, 10 is very extreme acute suicidality. I miss the old thread (which is deleted) that is way I want to revive him.

My suicidal thoughts today are a 4. I have some distractions and responsibilities which prevent more of these thoughts.

8, maybe nine. I probably am going to get dumped today.

 

[𖣂𖣂𖣂.]

1 is very low suicidality, 10 is very extreme acute suicidality. I miss the old thread (which is deleted) that is way I want to revive him.

My suicidal thoughts today are a 4. I have some distractions and responsibilities which prevent more of these thoughts.

7

 

[Pink and white]

7

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

10

 

[ookletsgoctb]

8

 

[Zegers]

Today 10 but its always +6

 

[Darkover]

8 need to fucking die

 

[Dead Ghost]

8

 

[lackadazeE]

9 I think. If I say 10 I feel I might just give in, something I can't afford to do just yet.

 

[Dead Ghost]

8

 

[Maravillosa]

2. It's a someday sort of thing — there are too many things I want to do before I go.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

4-5 for quite some time ( but actually I wish they were 9-10 )

 

[ahimsa]

7

 

[Dead Ghost]

8

 

[SadPingu]

4-5 (worse some days) life is kinda just on autopilot.

 

[mouseteacup]

8 at the worst point of today, but it's at like a 4 now. Slightly higher than my normal passive ideation.

 

[gardenofaphrodite]

It was at 8-9 for almost 4 months, it got better a little bit, but I'm back at a solid 8 again. I keep trying to make myself not be this way but I think trying to repress it constantly is making me think about more. I'm not sure what's wrong with me anymore.

 

[Peerless_Cucumber]

Currently 7 because I'm in no position mentally or physically to actually go through with it yet