pretty_city.lights
a spectre of my mortal soul
- Feb 26, 2025
- 30
This is going to be very unorganzied and might make zero sense, i just feel like i need to write it down. quick content warning for sexual assault, nothing graphic but still.
I've been paranoid as fuck recently and have been hallucinating a lot more than usual. I can barely leave my room due to my other issues, but when i do i often see a figure in my living room. I see it crawling around and staring at me every night and its fucking terrifying, ive gotten used to a lot of my other hallucinations but i dont think ill ever not be scared by this one. I always feel like someone is standing right behind me, a lot of the time I'll hear footsteps or doors creaking open or feel someone breathing down my neck. I'm constantly afraid that I'm being followed or that my house has been broken into, and i feel fucking crazy. I genuinely think i might be losing my mind. Another more minor hallucination that i have is seeing bugs, which is mostly just annoying but i feel like it impacts the way other people see me. A lot of the time ill flinch or try to swipe them away when they come near my face, or, if its really bad i have to leave the room and arm myself with a bottle of windex, lol. My partner also has bug related hallucinations so its nice that he doesnt think im crazy, but i truly think everyone else in my life does. I want to get medicated for this, but my psychiatrist ghosted me months ago and i havent been able to find anyone else who takes my insurance.
Big change in topic, sorry. I went on testosterone a few months ago and im so, so relieved and happy but some of the side effects have been really hard to deal with. I havent had many physical changes and im not nervous about that aspect, but the mood stuff has been really bothering me. I dont want to go into too much detail to avoid being overly crass, but i think youll be able to get the picture. I have ptsd, some of it is related to being sexually assaulted, and even before going on t i had issues with flashbacks during intimacy. Ive never had a very strong libido so its not something that has come up a lot, but now its actual torture. I dont feel like i can function without it, but everytime i engage in it i start crying and dissociating. I'm trying to be kind to myself but i feel so disgusting and useless. I'm in therapy but it feels so wrong to talk about, yk? Like, i know its their job to hear about peoples problems but i hate how weak and powerless it makes me feel. Im not a particularly reserved person and i talk with my therapist about almost everything else, but its really embarrassing somehow. I'm not sure how to bring it up without either breaking down or shutting down completely.
Anyway, i hope that wasnt totally nonsensical. Im really grateful for this forum, not being able to talk about this shit is truly so isolating and i feel like a weight is being taken off my chest as i write this. sorry again for the awful formatting.
I've been paranoid as fuck recently and have been hallucinating a lot more than usual. I can barely leave my room due to my other issues, but when i do i often see a figure in my living room. I see it crawling around and staring at me every night and its fucking terrifying, ive gotten used to a lot of my other hallucinations but i dont think ill ever not be scared by this one. I always feel like someone is standing right behind me, a lot of the time I'll hear footsteps or doors creaking open or feel someone breathing down my neck. I'm constantly afraid that I'm being followed or that my house has been broken into, and i feel fucking crazy. I genuinely think i might be losing my mind. Another more minor hallucination that i have is seeing bugs, which is mostly just annoying but i feel like it impacts the way other people see me. A lot of the time ill flinch or try to swipe them away when they come near my face, or, if its really bad i have to leave the room and arm myself with a bottle of windex, lol. My partner also has bug related hallucinations so its nice that he doesnt think im crazy, but i truly think everyone else in my life does. I want to get medicated for this, but my psychiatrist ghosted me months ago and i havent been able to find anyone else who takes my insurance.
Big change in topic, sorry. I went on testosterone a few months ago and im so, so relieved and happy but some of the side effects have been really hard to deal with. I havent had many physical changes and im not nervous about that aspect, but the mood stuff has been really bothering me. I dont want to go into too much detail to avoid being overly crass, but i think youll be able to get the picture. I have ptsd, some of it is related to being sexually assaulted, and even before going on t i had issues with flashbacks during intimacy. Ive never had a very strong libido so its not something that has come up a lot, but now its actual torture. I dont feel like i can function without it, but everytime i engage in it i start crying and dissociating. I'm trying to be kind to myself but i feel so disgusting and useless. I'm in therapy but it feels so wrong to talk about, yk? Like, i know its their job to hear about peoples problems but i hate how weak and powerless it makes me feel. Im not a particularly reserved person and i talk with my therapist about almost everything else, but its really embarrassing somehow. I'm not sure how to bring it up without either breaking down or shutting down completely.
Anyway, i hope that wasnt totally nonsensical. Im really grateful for this forum, not being able to talk about this shit is truly so isolating and i feel like a weight is being taken off my chest as i write this. sorry again for the awful formatting.
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