Random thoughts

[15dec]

What am I even doing with my life

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

Life is a nightmare

 

[akita]

I may not miss much when I ctb, but I sure as hell will miss my mom, and a very, very few other people. I'm just sorry that I wasn't strong enough

 

[sunny.sativa]

I am a sick, selfish and demented human for being like this, but as a child, I wanted to slit my wrists in the school bathroom, near the locker rooms and bleed out everywhere and be seen by all the kids. I wanted to be found almost dead, not quite, and I also wanted to be saved. I wanted to be that badass at school that had the balls to try to die.

I was conflicted because I DID want to really die, but nasty little me wanted the attention, too.
I fantasized about leaving a short but detailed note on lined yellow paper, calling out each of the bullies that had drove me to that point.

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

I am a sick, selfish and demented human for being like this, but as a child, I wanted to slit my wrists in the school bathroom, near the locker rooms and bleed out everywhere and be seen by all the kids. I wanted to be found almost dead, not quite, and I also wanted to be saved. I wanted to be that badass at school that had the balls to try to die.

I was conflicted because I DID want to really die, but nasty little me wanted the attention, too.
I fantasized about leaving a short but detailed note on lined yellow paper, calling out each of the bullies that had drove me to that point.

It sounds to me like you just wanted people to acknowledge how unhappy you were. There's nothing "sick," "selfish," or "demented" about that.

 

[sunny.sativa]

It sounds to me like you just wanted people to acknowledge how unhappy you were. There's nothing "sick," "selfish," or "demented" about that.

It seems stupid and wasteful. No one needs to know how I suffer, I wish I had known that, because no one cares, y'know? We all die, the people that would have seen me die would have died eventually too, and none of it matters.

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

It seems stupid and wasteful. No one needs to know how I suffer, I wish I had known that, because no one cares, y'know? We all die, the people that would have seen me die would have died eventually too, and none of it matters.

Yeah, I know how you feel. But it's perfectly natural to want other people to see your suffering. Nothing "demented" about that.

Btw, I know it probably sounds trite, and insignificant, but some people do care. I don't know you, but I care.

Also, I like your avatar.

 

[sunny.sativa]

Yeah, I know how you feel. But it's perfectly natural to want other people to see your suffering. Nothing "demented" about that.

Btw, I know it probably sounds trite, and insignificant, but some people do care. I don't know you, but I care.

Also, I like your avatar.

I really appreciate your words. Thank you.

 

[thatguyakira123]

My mom is angry with me because I didn't want to apply for the local version of Life Alert. I explained to her that if an old person dies becuase of something I did wrong, it would be my fault. And I don't want that kind of responsibility. She got vex, told me that "that was an easy job" and I told her why don't you do it? Then she said "I'll never look for a job for you again" a minpulation tatic that bacfired on her cuz I actually want that. Seriously this bitch got so much money when my dad died and wasted most of it in religion. Now that extra money is gone and she is desperate for more. Why don't she get one? Oh right she wants me to get a job so that I can be set before she dies. You know what woudl've made me set, not being born or an abortion.

But somehow my birth is what was going to magically fix my older brother. Not a mental instituation, no, me. A person who was abused his whole life by his brother, who was negleted by mother's family, who was infiror in the eyes of my father's family, who was bullied and tortured every day in shcool. Human being need to be sterile. They just need to. Sentient beings should not exist.

 

[Painpleasure]

Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.
To reject death is to reject life as one is borne from the other.

 

[Redt2go]

I'm sorry to anyone I've ever judged for considering suicide as revenge.... I understand

 

[Worthless_nobody]

"If you still care don't ever let me know"... I hate the song Snuff by slipknot because it makes me nauseated and panic filled thinking of him but no words are more true for me right now

 

[throwaway123]

I tried really hard to live. All for nothing. My death is inevitable. It will happen. Maybe now or in 10 years.
At some point I have to face it. I just wonder when that's going to be.

 

[spanishguy22]

starting zoloft shits making me dizzy af

 

[Halo13]

I'm sick of nightmares and jerking awake full of panic with my heart pounding. I wish there was an "off" switch for my heart.

 

[spanishguy22]

i feel bad because i went a bit pro life with a (i think) teenager who attemped to pass here and i kinda fucked up with my post, i shouldnt have done that and i almost got banned but i just feel bad for the guy because seemed like he didnt have real mental issues but trouble over a breakup. i almost got banned so embarrased... will contain myself from now on

 

[Alchemist]

Why drink brands keep giving color names to their drink's flavors, as in "try the new "blue flavor". It really rustles my jimmies when I see those. It feels like their marketing director is Ralph Wiggum eating crayons.

 

[Going Home]

Someone helped me today. She told me that no one would miss me if I died. I guess that's true but I never thought about it like that. I never put the two together.

Things are becoming so clear. I think I really needed to hear that and I'm thankful she said that to me.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I'm sick of nightmares and jerking awake full of panic with my heart pounding. I wish there was an "off" switch for my heart.

Ugh this! Same here! Every damn night I have the worst most vivid nightmares. I have insomnia and can never get to sleep but when I do there is nothing like being jolted awake from a nightmare...

 

[Halo13]

Ugh this! Same here! Every damn night I have the worst most vivid nightmares. I have insomnia and can never get to sleep but when I do there is nothing like being jolted awake from a nightmare...

Yeah, my insomnia is resistant to meds. I get a 16 hour crash once or twice a month. The other nights are awful, maybe a couple hours. I've had dark circles under my eyes for years.

 

[Memento Mori]

Yeah, my insomnia is resistant to meds. I get a 16 hour crash once or twice a month. The other nights are awful, maybe a couple hours. I've had dark circles under my eyes for years.

i have dark circles like gaara from naruto (look it up LOL)

my dreams are mixed, maybe sexual, maybe war, maybe random shit, but mostly something with my ex. and when i wake up i feel so fuckin exhausted that i already start taking multiple drugs and smoke weed to it. now i'm out of it. good day to die, i think this either happens at a day like today where i have to be sober or another day where the ketamine makes me so numb and sad that i just want to do it. i hope i can ctb soon, i dont want no talk about it anymore i just want to be set free from my obession for her

 

[Halo13]

i have dark circles like gaara from naruto (look it up LOL)

my dreams are mixed, maybe sexual, maybe war, maybe random shit, but mostly something with my ex. and when i wake up i feel so fuckin exhausted that i already start taking multiple drugs and smoke weed to it. now i'm out of it. good day to die, i think this either happens at a day like today where i have to be sober or another day where the ketamine makes me so numb and sad that i just want to do it. i hope i can ctb soon, i dont want no talk about it anymore i just want to be set free from my obession for her

K is wild. Took it once but cried alot. Is today your day?

 

[Memento Mori]

K is wild. Took it once but cried alot. Is today your day?

sadly no its not. and yeah i cry a lot of ketamine too, its just too much for my heart. the last....week? idk, i walked on glass shards, didnt even care about removing them...i didnt know what to except but now i finally feel dead, more than ever before after drug escapades. maybe i find a stupid way out tonight and say a short goodbye to my loved one, but i guess i won't be able to ctb anyways. its a difficult game not ending up in hospital, i have no insurance, please just bury me alive so the worms have some food. lol

i'm out of here trying to get as dizzy as possible now, maybe i have better luck with money tomorrow. but it will be the same, just with a 1-2-days-delay. i should have taken the chance to go to psych ward when i had it, even if they wouldnt help me. but this is enough
only sitting laughing/crying/laughing like the fucking joker in front of my laptop, the summary is always: death. i really hope from heart that she can forgive me
maybe today i start my first real ctb try
i hate goodbyes even though i like to write everyone a PM, but just know that you're in my heart ♥

 

[Johnnythefox]

The older I become, the more I question everything, such as:
Where did all the years go?
Why am I still here?
If only?
Why are my bowel movements irregular?

 

[Memento Mori]

some day i want to give my login data to my ex to let her see some of my last thoughts. don't know how she'd react. i posted a lot of crap and crying here, and some "good" posts too, but also advises on how to kill oneself/avoid surviving with bad damage. i hope i made no one of you think bad of her because she's one of these rare magic souls that brighten up not only your life but the world, and everyone makes a mistake somewhere.

i really want to know whats so deep inside me that is stopping me from just taking a brutal ctb method and go. it doesnt seem that simple

 

[Nofaith]

I tried really hard to live. All for nothing. My death is inevitable. It will happen. Maybe now or in 10 years.
At some point I have to face it. I just wonder when that's going to be.

Miss you x

 

[Halo13]

My mother once told me she tried to abort me. I wish it had succeeded. No one has ever wanted me all of my life. I've always felt like an orphan, even as an adult. Unwanted, unloved and don't belong anywhere. My mother and father are both presumed dead, have been for many years. My caretakers died. The rest just put up with me - tolerated me until I was of legal age then stopped pretending to care. I have no one and am no one in the end.

 

[throwaway777]

i hate myself

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Up until now I did not imagine a butt becoming numb.
I mean, it's not like I've never believed it would be possible, the ass is part of the body, it's part of the blood circulation system, it does need blood to function... But today... After spending roughly seven hours sitting on a slightly angled chair with a strange bump where my ass-nipples would be, if ass nipples we're a thing... For the first time in my life my ass became numb without anesthesia. Walking is difficult like this.

 

[throwaway777]

hjghjgjgj i ve never asked for this ); antinatalism intensifies