I really am shit. Literally I can call a grocery and get a job but of course I talk myself out of it. One of my 2nd cousin is staying with us for a while. He's a Nurse. I so wanted to tell him about my mental illness and addiction, but luckily I overheard him talking to my asshat of a brother and telling him everyone has some form of bi polar disorder. And I'm like (in my mind), how could you say that about a serious mental illness, you're a Nurse, you should know better. I know it's good I didn't tell him. He'd try to put me on the drugs that destroy my father.
I am so sick of my lonelyness, so sick of having to deal with my brain and my asshole brother alone. I just, I wish I could just go already instead of wasting time. The whole being a bitch about getting a job and not being brave enough to kill myself is getting to be a strain on me and my mom. Luckly I cut myself when it gets intense so I don't go overboard infront of everyone. I'm just tired all the time, I barely sleep. It's more like I pretend now. I pretend to be ok. I feel more alone now that my 2nd cousin is living with us, but I pretend to be ok with it, I have too cuz I can't tell him to fuck off. He makes me feel more alone cuz my asshat of a brother and my mom and him get alone so normally.
I have to listen to my asshat of a brother lie to him and tell him shit like he cares about our family when all my brother does is abuse us. And yet still I'm the one that has to die. I'm at a point were I just literally want to do him real harm but I'm not going too, cuz that's gonna fuck up my plans. Though I can get killed in jail. I just need to get brave enough, I just need to turn off my humanity, just one more time and then, my mom would be free of me, free to move out and I would be happy.