Random thoughts

[Worthless_nobody]

When someone holds all the power over my life and it's literally a life and death decision for me it's just too much. I'm so sick and tired of assholes having power over me and I'm just something to push around.

 

[Lefty]

I kinda miss the old layout of the forum.

 

[Life sucks]

Deep inside me, I love what I love until I die. Its this biology, this brain and its chemicals that creates a barrier. Its life and time that kills me and kill everything. Despite all of that, I love what I love until death.

Fuck you life for killing the people and the moments and everything I loved. Even the small things that makes one better are killed.

 

[raindrops]

I wonder why my life is the way it is.
People tell me better times are to come. Hmm, I suppose this is true.
I have sisters, they live a ferry and train and bus journey away from me, it would cost so much to go see them, I wish I could see them.
Things are going good with me and my partner, his grandfather said he would take us out on his boat when we get some good weather, this made me so happy!
I just want to live with him again too, I love my grandma but I need my own place, specifically with him, I am so grateful I have a roof over my head but I want to live with my partner, I want to be there for someone when they get home from work, cooking for him, chilling together. Surely this will happen.
I'll be 28 in August next year, hopefully that will be the year me and him try again living together.
Fuck, I have spent nearly an entire year depressed, worried and anxious.

 

[Delia]

Im thinking about people who buy SN without making research on the method prior of doing so and i'm like "maybe i should respond to their thread to show them where the response to their question is" Then I think "wait. No."

 

[woxihuanni]

I'd really wanted to see the asteroid passing closer than the moon in nine years' time. One of the things he robbed me of.

 

[http-410]

Since the helpline is still busy, I give up calling there. What a stupid idea to even think about. Wtf is wrong with me?

I know that I have to do it, that is not the problem. The issue is that I'm too "scared" to do it atm. No one can help me with this. I have to go through this alone.

 

[KleinerWolf]

If I knew it was gonna be this bad,
I would have started learning English and German since I was 1 year old in order to get a head-start and emigrate away asap!
My first 17 years were literally wasted in China, as a brainwashed dumb asian teenager.

Till this day I'm still paying the price of shitty citizenship...
Bloody hell...

 

[Lilacmoon]

i hope i die soon. does that count?

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Since I'm in a pissed mood to vent here goes:

I really wish people would stop judging "good looking people" and thinking we have it all a bed of fucking roses. So to the person who obviously hates me because I say simply being "pretty" isn't enough to make me want to live.. well you know what?? Those "looks" got me NOTHING but abused raped and used. Plus I hate myself and I dont even like the way I look. Sorry I'm not just going to shut up on those "would you still ctb if you were going looking" threads because "looks" I was forced to look a certain way by my ex matter none to me and my decision to ctb! But I'm sick of the hate...

End rant....ok so can I please die in my sleep tonight

 

[Sensei]

I know how to fight depression and anxiety, but not emptiness. What am I to do?

 

[waived]

Yawn.

 

[Delia]

i'm getting fed up with people outright telling their sources when they buy products to ctb on the forum, just read the forum's rules dammit it's not that hard

 

[LastFlowers]

Since I'm in a pissed mood to vent here goes:

I really wish people would stop judging "good looking people" and thinking we have it all a bed of fucking roses. So to the person who obviously hates me because I say simply being "pretty" isn't enough to make me want to live.. well you know what?? Those "looks" got me NOTHING but abused raped and used. Plus I hate myself and I dont even like the way I look. Sorry I'm not just going to shut up on those "would you still ctb if you were going looking" threads because "looks" I was forced to look a certain way by my ex matter none to me and my decision to ctb! But I'm sick of the hate...

End rant....ok so can I please die in my sleep tonight

You really wish "people would stop judging good looking people"? Oh you mean me? One person? (What a bizarre statement regardless and extremely unfitting considering this society judges those without looks far more harshly.) You are the one who started searching my posts just to add angry reactions, you probably didn't even actually read them. You just searched for any about looks and added a hmmpf!! emoji. (Classic bully.) Meanwhile I simply came upon yours naturally in a thread I was already reading. Get over yourself. You think you have to be good looking to get used, abused and raped? WOW.
Plenty of unattractive people are abused and raped every single day. That is a dangerous sentiment to spread or even allude to. That is the reason some victims are targeted and not believed.

You obviously have no concept of what it's like to be genuinely hated if you can't even bear to have one person disagree with you without going on a rant. No one said you had it all on a bed of roses. I am aware there are other reasons to ctb whether someone has looks or not. Did I ever say you didn't have reason to CTB? No. I never said anything to you but you have drawn an awful lot of conclusions just from a non-verbal reaction to your post. My reaction was never about you simply saying being pretty was not enough for you to live. Because that's not all you said.

What I didn't like about your post was similar to what I don't like about this one...that you called being good looking a detriment and made it out to be the actual reason you were used and abused, and that is very insulting to people who have been dehumanized, insulted, bullied, treated like 3rd class citizens AND used and abused all the same, for being unattractive. They don't even have a silver lining at the end of the day, you can walk out of an abusive relationship but they can't walk out of their own skin. Your post came across like a wealthy person telling the poor that money caused all their problems, it wreaks of privilege. It would be like me telling the starving children in third world countries that the food on my plate caused all my issues.
You may have your reasons to ctb but don't blame it on your privilege. (Because that is not the reason certain things happened to you. If you want to gloss over that fact then that's your choice, but some people don't have that luxury.) You say it got you nothing but even that is willful ignorance of your own privilege in life, I assure you that it got you far more and far better than people without that privilege, which is far from "Nothing".
I should start walking around town telling people that being white got me "Nothing". Let's see how well that goes over.
...None of this, however, is me saying you don't have the right or reasons to ctb. You do and I never said you didn't.

You're sick of the hate? One negative reaction is "the hate"? Boy do I have news for you about what it actually means to be hated, and not for poor choices made or a shiny veneer.
But you have no interest in what I have to say, it's all about you. That's fine, just keep me out of it. Also your "ok so can I please die in my sleep tonight" comment at the end is very manipulative to those reading it and in very poor taste given the context of what you had to say, it gives the impression that my minuscule reaction to one of your posts pushed you to it. Not okay. That is a juvenile tactic. Be glad you haven't had to deal with actual horrific hateful displays by other members, because I have and one thing the bullies love to do is "search and destroy" through post history until their vitriolic attacks are banned. Well I'm not letting that shit show happen again just because an unattractive person decides to have an opinion/disagrees with a post or comment, this is getting nipped in the bud. Now.
If you had something to say to me then you could have said it directly, none of this passive aggressive, behind the back, mean girl bullshit. You obviously wanted me to see this and so I have. Now like I said in my pm to you, back off. I have no more words to waste on the matter.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

You really wish "people would stop judging good looking people"? Oh you mean me? One person? (What a bizarre statement regardless and extremely unfitting considering this society judges those without looks far more harshly.) You are the one who started searching my posts just to add angry reactions, you probably didn't even actually read them. You just searched for any about looks and added a hmmpf!! emoji. (Classic bully.) Meanwhile I simply came upon yours naturally in a thread I was already reading. Get over yourself. You think you have to be good looking to get used, abused and raped? WOW.
Plenty of unattractive people are abused and raped every single day. That is a dangerous sentiment to spread or even allude to. That is the reason some victims are targeted and not believed.

You obviously have no concept of what it's like to be genuinely hated if you can't even bear to have one person disagree with you without going on a rant. No one said you had it all on a bed of roses. I am aware there are other reasons to ctb whether someone has looks or not. Did I ever say you didn't have reason to CTB? No. I never said anything to you but you have drawn an awful lot of conclusions just from a non-verbal reaction to your post. My reaction was never about you simply saying being pretty was not enough for you to live. Because that's not all you said.

What I didn't like about your post was similar to what I don't like about this one...that you called being good looking a detriment and made it out to be the actual reason you were used and abused, and that is very insulting to people who have been dehumanized, insulted, bullied, treated like 3rd class citizens AND used and abused all the same, for being unattractive. They don't even have a silver lining at the end of the day, you can walk out of an abusive relationship but they can't walk out of their own skin. Your post came across like a wealthy person telling the poor that money caused all their problems, it wreaks of privilege. It would be like me telling the starving children in third world countries that the food on my plate caused all my issues.
You may have your reasons to ctb but don't blame it on your privilege. (Because that is not the reason certain things happened to you. If you want to gloss over that fact then that's your choice, but some people don't have that luxury.) You say it got you nothing but even that is willful ignorance of your own privilege in life, I assure you that it got you far more and far better than people without that privilege, which is far from "Nothing".
I should start walking around town telling people that being white got me "Nothing". Let's see how well that goes over.
...None of this, however, is me saying you don't have the right or reasons to ctb. You do and I never said you didn't.

You're sick of the hate? One negative reaction is "the hate"? Boy do I have news for you about what it actually means to be hated, and not for poor choices made or a shiny veneer.
But you have no interest in what I have to say, it's all about you. That's fine, just keep me out of it. Also your "ok so can I please die in my sleep tonight" comment at the end is very manipulative to those reading it and in very poor taste given the context of what you had to say, it gives the impression that my minuscule reaction to one of your posts pushed you to it. Not okay. That is a juvenile tactic. Be glad you haven't had to deal with actual horrific hateful displays by other members, because I have and one thing the bullies love to do is "search and destroy" through post history until their vitriolic attacks are banned. Well I'm not letting that shit show happen again just because an unattractive person decides to have an opinion/disagrees with a post or comment, this is getting nipped in the bud. Now.
If you had something to say to me then you could have said it directly, none of this passive aggressive, behind the back, mean girl bullshit. You obviously wanted me to see this and so I have. Now like I said in my pm to you, back off. I have no more words to waste on the matter.

I'm not reading all that bs but don't tell me I know nothing about suffering!!! I held my DEAD baby daughter in my arms, I was tied beaten raped abused, touched inappropriately as a child by pastors, I have been homeless, I have mental issues and physical issues so don't tell me I haven't suffered!!!!!!!

Hold your own goddamn dead child in your hands and then come talk to me....oh that's right your one of those anti people having kids whiners.....FYI I didn't choose to have a child I was RAPED and didn't have the heart to abort!!! Also do you have a permanent fuckec up face from abuse well info now so piss off with this pity party about being ugly shit!! Now we both are.....
I mean really just shut the fuck up about me not suffering!!!!!! !!!!!!!


Jesus fucking christ

 

[Lilacmoon]

I don't know what's going on, um, but attractive people suffer too. Rape and abuse wasn't exactly an amusement park ride? :<

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I don't know what's going on, um, but attractive people suffer too. Rape and abuse wasn't exactly an amusement park ride? :<

They go and attack anyone on here who is "attractive" I always see them bitching about it in the "if you were pretty would you still ctb" threads...I mean sue me I fucking hate the way I look anyway....but no no they think they are ugly and have suffered worse or some bs idk I didn't read it I'm just done with everything. This site used to be so friendly but I swear in the past 2 months I have seen nothing but meanness....and I just snapped here I can't take anymore.

 

[Lilacmoon]

They go and attack anyone on here who is "attractive" I always see them bitching about it in the "if you were pretty would you still ctb" threads...

everyone has struggles. no one should be here to try and invalidate what someone else goes through. looks aren't the end-all be-all.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

You really wish "people would stop judging good looking people"? Oh you mean me? One person? (What a bizarre statement regardless and extremely unfitting considering this society judges those without looks far more harshly.) You are the one who started searching my posts just to add angry reactions, you probably didn't even actually read them. You just searched for any about looks and added a hmmpf!! emoji. (Classic bully.) Meanwhile I simply came upon yours naturally in a thread I was already reading. Get over yourself. You think you have to be good looking to get used, abused and raped? WOW.
Plenty of unattractive people are abused and raped every single day. That is a dangerous sentiment to spread or even allude to. That is the reason some victims are targeted and not believed.

You obviously have no concept of what it's like to be genuinely hated if you can't even bear to have one person disagree with you without going on a rant. No one said you had it all on a bed of roses. I am aware there are other reasons to ctb whether someone has looks or not. Did I ever say you didn't have reason to CTB? No. I never said anything to you but you have drawn an awful lot of conclusions just from a non-verbal reaction to your post. My reaction was never about you simply saying being pretty was not enough for you to live. Because that's not all you said.

What I didn't like about your post was similar to what I don't like about this one...that you called being good looking a detriment and made it out to be the actual reason you were used and abused, and that is very insulting to people who have been dehumanized, insulted, bullied, treated like 3rd class citizens AND used and abused all the same, for being unattractive. They don't even have a silver lining at the end of the day, you can walk out of an abusive relationship but they can't walk out of their own skin. Your post came across like a wealthy person telling the poor that money caused all their problems, it wreaks of privilege. It would be like me telling the starving children in third world countries that the food on my plate caused all my issues.
You may have your reasons to ctb but don't blame it on your privilege. (Because that is not the reason certain things happened to you. If you want to gloss over that fact then that's your choice, but some people don't have that luxury.) You say it got you nothing but even that is willful ignorance of your own privilege in life, I assure you that it got you far more and far better than people without that privilege, which is far from "Nothing".
I should start walking around town telling people that being white got me "Nothing". Let's see how well that goes over.
...None of this, however, is me saying you don't have the right or reasons to ctb. You do and I never said you didn't.

You're sick of the hate? One negative reaction is "the hate"? Boy do I have news for you about what it actually means to be hated, and not for poor choices made or a shiny veneer.
But you have no interest in what I have to say, it's all about you. That's fine, just keep me out of it. Also your "ok so can I please die in my sleep tonight" comment at the end is very manipulative to those reading it and in very poor taste given the context of what you had to say, it gives the impression that my minuscule reaction to one of your posts pushed you to it. Not okay. That is a juvenile tactic. Be glad you haven't had to deal with actual horrific hateful displays by other members, because I have and one thing the bullies love to do is "search and destroy" through post history until their vitriolic attacks are banned. Well I'm not letting that shit show happen again just because an unattractive person decides to have an opinion/disagrees with a post or comment, this is getting nipped in the bud. Now.
If you had something to say to me then you could have said it directly, none of this passive aggressive, behind the back, mean girl bullshit. You obviously wanted me to see this and so I have. Now like I said in my pm to you, back off. I have no more words to waste on the matter.

im in a mood so im going to have my say! number one dont you call me privileged...im dirt fucking poor and have been homeless. the road was my toilet and i starved and lost an ungodly amount of weight. my posts dont "reek" of privilage is HONESTY! stop hating on someone because of their looks...you really have this attitude with anyone who dares say they are considered attractive by society. so fucking what i spoke my mind....

also dont make accusations you cant back up...you dont know me! you literally said i dont know what its like to be hated and bullied!?? well i was suicidal as a child from severe bullying. I have been dehumanized and told to go kill myself by people so watch what you say...you really picked the wrong person to throw accusations at because my lifee has been SHIT!! and i have been hated because of my looks just like you go on any thrread and get all judemental towards the "privileged" attractive people. I have seen you on every one of those threads taking jabs...you took a jab at my post so I do yours. You were condescending in other threads thats why i hmphed you because you attacked me.

"They don't even have a silver lining at the end of the day, you can walk out of an abusive relationship but they can't walk out of their own skin.".......... you again picked the wrong person to sling accusations at. I couldnt just fucking "walk" out of the relationship. One person tied me and had people pay him to rape me and i was held as a fucking prisoner!!! also thats so typical of people to say "just" walk out... do you know nothing of homelesness and not having family!?? I wasnt on speaking terms with anyone in family during realtionship. I cant work because of my mental and physical conditions so I had to stay unless i wanted to face a homeless shelter. But people like you think we can "just" leave. Yeah some privilege huh!? Being tied and restrained while strangers rape you.....yep tell me im privileged... get over YOUR self...

"That is the reason some victims are targeted and not believed.".....and you think anyone fucking believed me about my horrific because im "pretty"...please....i got just as much hate as anyone would.

"You say it got you nothing but even that is willful ignorance of your own privilege in life, I assure you that it got you far more and far better than people without that privilege, which is far from "Nothing".".......
-again you dont know shit about me so stop making accuations. I did get NOTHING! i have no degree, career, job, im in constant pain from my injuries due to abuse, chronic pain and fibromyalgia, i have aspergers (talk about getting bullied!) i have bpd, severe cptsd, my daughter is dead, im bed ridden ......yep that "pretty" privilege got me something for sure!! Oh but wait...your going to spin this around that its somehow my fault...
FYI "ugly" people or conventionally unattractive people DO get ahead in life...my cousin is an example. So dont make blanket statements that evetyone who is unattractive cant get anywhere in life. I would die to have her life and she is considered "ugly"

so dont even bother making a comeback... but dont tell me im privilaged and act like i havnt suffered....
fyi im not pretty i bet you will be glad to hear my ex fucked up my face so I have permanent nose and jaw damage and I dont look the same! I cant even look at old pics of myself.....

anyway your IGNORED im done with this

 

[Lmd]

Here remembering I didn't CTB because I wanted to spend halloween with my friends and now nobody talks with me and we are under a lockdown due to covid

 

[waived]

I think I got it.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I wish I could be enough for her. I get now that I'm just not an adequate being right now. I must have poisoned her into thinking I have potential like I have with all my family and friends. I wish someone could just see exactly why I'm not going to get any better and still somehow be able to love me for that. I realize this is practically impossible though so I guess all I really have is CTB'ing, huh.......

 

[http-410]

What a great way to start the week, being pushed back and forth by authorities. Nevertheless I understand that nobody wants to be responsible for my case. It's all about money.

I wonder if something in my head has snapped since I fell off my bike.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I'm so tired and sore. Just want to binge drink and hurt myself. Again

 

[MichaelNomad123]

People are the fucking worst.

 

[antigone_iris]

Feeling lost in this awful society. I'm glad I found this forum

 

[waived]

A cool nightmare I had last night. So I don't remember why we were there but myself and someone else were exploring this big house at sun down but it was overcast so it was blue/grey and dim inside but not dark. There was a spiral staircase at one part that led up into a smaller room with I think several doors leading elsewhere. We were talking at the top in that room and I had my back to the other person and I heard a door open and close not loudly but with a purpose and then silence. When I opened the door they had gone through there was nothing there and they were gone.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Fake, conditional kindness that only works when it's convenient, when it's about people you like and things you agree with, fake empathy that is really all about yourself, passive-agressive politeness, virtue signaling and borderline narcissistic self-righteousness absolutely disgust me, way more than overt aggression, rudeness and selfishness. Out of 10 people claiming to be a kind, gentle and empathetic soul drowning in a sea of assholes, 9 are usually full of bs and either knowingly fake and manipulative, or deeply in denial about their own behavior. Really idealistic and naive people are rare, and God bless their souls, because unless they are very lucky, they'll end up hurt and bitter in the end. I think I'm done striving to be nice and a good person and liking nice and good people. I'd rather be a genuine asshole and stick with other genuine assholes, they are less morally reprehensible in my value system.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I bought wine and drank half a glass, but then I realized I was bored and already felt kinda sick. I dumped the rest and put the bottle of wine away. On the other hand... I ended up self-harming a few times yesterday. Didn't want to stop, and I ended up doing more damage than I intended.

This is how I feel about it. Oops

 

[Sensei]

I need rest.