i keep fantasizing about dying. what if i took SN today? what if i found a great, isolated place to drop hang from? what if i got killed by a mob while trying to save someone from being beaten or kidnapped? what if i got sick and died alone? in fact, i always have. i always thought i'd die very young, i occupied myself with these thoughts even as a child. to have lived this long feels like sin. like i'm disgusting for it. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. should i get a job and save up money for SN? i can't even tell if that's a smart idea. but i don't know how i'd get one or even if i can. and if i talked to my parents about it, the thought would suddenly become theirs rather than mine and become intolerable. last year someone told me "you won't just magically die", in an attempt to be the "tough love friend" i guess, and to this day i can't get over this. it feels incredibly damning and horrifying to think about. i've been practicing nooses and partial hangings this entire month just to prove to myself i don't want to be alive. it's ridiculous. i don't want to pretend i'm normal. i don't want to give into my own brain chemistry and my family's desires. i don't want to get together with some equally desperate woman in some mutual misery fest that lasts for decades. guess i'll just go back to hanging myself in the closet every night, trying to get close to passing out. i look so stupid and gross doing it. i shouldn't be here. i massively regret living past my pre-teen years.