i desperately want to feel like i'm doing all i can, but always feel paranoid i'm subconsciously sabotaging my own "research" because living is easier and more familiar. the more i learn about every method, the more unreachable it seems, but what if i'm just not trying hard enough? what if i'm being controlled by a part of me that actually likes being a vile, sluggish bottom feeder sitting around all day barely able to keep my eyes open? maybe the endless supply of dull stimuli and food is too comfortable to give up? in desperately trying to fight off this invisible enemy, i walk around all over this town, trying to find any info or materials or even just quiet, secluded places. i waste money on "supplies" i might never find an use for, just to give myself the illusion some progress is being done. people from my family watch me and tell my mom they saw me going into "weird places". one time she followed me around town because i didn't go where i said i was going to. it seems unrealistic to be able to die in this environment, yet i can never know for sure and that possibility always hangs over me. i feel like a wild animal. i know i am one but don't have the intellect necessary to do anything with the knowledge. i want to stop the virus from propagating.