puppyboy
nblw // bpd+did
- Apr 9, 2026
- 61
trigger warnings for csa, abuse, eating disorders, substance abuse, bullying, and suicide attempts
will mainly be talking about however i feel, current thoughts or events in my life, whatever lo"l
i just feel bad spamming the forum with my posts lol ill also probably wont be sober writing any of this shit so bear with me yeah
i hate talking abt my childhood because i felt like it had it good sometimes.. we grew poor but my mom would come home with good food eventually , especially with how much she was earning. just didn't bother to spend it on us because we felt like liabilities. and she made sure she let ue know we ruined her life by constantly screaming and beating us. my father would just waTch. she loved to go gambling with my father's money and hers, leaving us with nothing. i remember eating plain rice and sometimes nothing at all. or gas station food. better than nothing i guess.
i was often left unsupervised which lead to a lot of grooming and CSA from a father's friend. he put his grubby hands on me more than i can count on my fingers.
hell i was running for my life from the guy, i tried to lock the door wnd he busted in and tried to rape me. he'd already raped me a couple minutes before i tried to run so he wouldnt do it again.
he is dead now, thank god, but it's affected my sense of love so horribly. if someone isn't all over me, obsessing over me, wanting to do harmful things.. i don't want it! i hate myself, i feel so disgusting. i'm so used to being treated horribly i need to feel that way again
i remember when people in school used to snicker at me. calling me a fat ugly fuck. j remember when i had milk and other things dumped on me. hair being pulled, being told i was a disgusting f/ggot tranny. n the thing is that i always kept to myself. i just wanted people to leave the fuck alone, i used to eat my lunch in a bathroom stall for fucks sake
my eating disorder has caused me to drop from bmi 20 to bmi 16 within 2 months, i just can't will myself to eat anything from the severe depression and substance use that's afflicting me. why should i even bother? i'm trying to bulk but i'm totally lacking motivation. i just want to die dude holy fuck. whenever i feel like hell i just take a bunch of pills hoping ill feel better later and then i just get so uninterested in eating and it becomes a stupid cycle.
ive had sooo so many suicide attempts, but i gotta admit i really wasnt trying hard enough.. i've tried psh and otc od but no luck of course..but luckily i could very easily kill myself now- welcome to the usa, where fentanyl is literally fucking everywhere
just not sure if i wanna go through with it so soon yet. but im well aware that my fate will be suicide if heart failure from anorexia doesnt get to me first lol
will mainly be talking about however i feel, current thoughts or events in my life, whatever lo"l
i just feel bad spamming the forum with my posts lol ill also probably wont be sober writing any of this shit so bear with me yeah
i hate talking abt my childhood because i felt like it had it good sometimes.. we grew poor but my mom would come home with good food eventually , especially with how much she was earning. just didn't bother to spend it on us because we felt like liabilities. and she made sure she let ue know we ruined her life by constantly screaming and beating us. my father would just waTch. she loved to go gambling with my father's money and hers, leaving us with nothing. i remember eating plain rice and sometimes nothing at all. or gas station food. better than nothing i guess.
i was often left unsupervised which lead to a lot of grooming and CSA from a father's friend. he put his grubby hands on me more than i can count on my fingers.
hell i was running for my life from the guy, i tried to lock the door wnd he busted in and tried to rape me. he'd already raped me a couple minutes before i tried to run so he wouldnt do it again.
he is dead now, thank god, but it's affected my sense of love so horribly. if someone isn't all over me, obsessing over me, wanting to do harmful things.. i don't want it! i hate myself, i feel so disgusting. i'm so used to being treated horribly i need to feel that way again
i remember when people in school used to snicker at me. calling me a fat ugly fuck. j remember when i had milk and other things dumped on me. hair being pulled, being told i was a disgusting f/ggot tranny. n the thing is that i always kept to myself. i just wanted people to leave the fuck alone, i used to eat my lunch in a bathroom stall for fucks sake
my eating disorder has caused me to drop from bmi 20 to bmi 16 within 2 months, i just can't will myself to eat anything from the severe depression and substance use that's afflicting me. why should i even bother? i'm trying to bulk but i'm totally lacking motivation. i just want to die dude holy fuck. whenever i feel like hell i just take a bunch of pills hoping ill feel better later and then i just get so uninterested in eating and it becomes a stupid cycle.
ive had sooo so many suicide attempts, but i gotta admit i really wasnt trying hard enough.. i've tried psh and otc od but no luck of course..but luckily i could very easily kill myself now- welcome to the usa, where fentanyl is literally fucking everywhere
just not sure if i wanna go through with it so soon yet. but im well aware that my fate will be suicide if heart failure from anorexia doesnt get to me first lol
