VileMagnolia
I want to know what God knows - Ethel Cain
- Jan 5, 2026
- 6
I voluntarily entered a psych hospital after a self harm episode. It was a fascinating experience. Never laughed so much in my life and in some ways I was happier in there than in the real world. Honestly I enjoyed it except for obvious stuff like not having freedom. I continued feeling the urge to cut myself but of course I lied so I wouldn't have to stay TOO long. I convinced the hospital, and even myself that it was a wake up call for me and that I'm ready to leave behind self harm and suicidal ideation, but now that I'm out, I'm already back to being miserable, wanting to cut, wanting to die, and hating humanity.
I can't cut, because I have a closer eye on me so if I do it again I'd probably be put back involuntarily, so now misery is building within me with no way to drain. I feel alone again. I feel unloved again. I just feel like square one
but now with the extra embarrassment of having more people who now know me and would be disappointed by me taking myself out. I still feel fucking psychotic. Quite frankly, I admitted myself to the psych ward as a way to express my madness, and now I still feel empty. Not even sure what I'm going for with this rant. I'm just relentlessly bitter. I feel impossible.
I can't cut, because I have a closer eye on me so if I do it again I'd probably be put back involuntarily, so now misery is building within me with no way to drain. I feel alone again. I feel unloved again. I just feel like square one
but now with the extra embarrassment of having more people who now know me and would be disappointed by me taking myself out. I still feel fucking psychotic. Quite frankly, I admitted myself to the psych ward as a way to express my madness, and now I still feel empty. Not even sure what I'm going for with this rant. I'm just relentlessly bitter. I feel impossible.
