Discussion Post-high after coming close to ctb’ing?

[MissNietzsche]

I'm sorry for posting here two days ago, coming close to SN'ing. Something tipped me over the edge, and I finally had the big push to ctb. I took a meto pill, and was getting myself mentally prepared to take my stat dose and then SN.

But then something unexpected happened after that, which caused me to postpone my ctb a little bit. I cannot day for certain if I would have ctb'ed if it wasn't for this thing, but what I can say is that, at a certain point, I was 100% onboard with ctb'ing.

Yesterday, I was still a little depressed..but today, I actually had motivation today to exercise and actually study. I feel like, in a distant future, maybe there is a 1% chance of me recovering. I can't say it's likely, but 1% is a heck of a lot better than 0%.

Does anyone else have experience with this? It's the closest I've ever been to actually ctb'ing. I've had more intense thoughts in the past where I am certain I would have ctb'ed had I had the actual method on me, so I don't know if this is my lowest point.

Is this just an anomalous day? Am I going to go back to being a depressed poop soon after and actually have a genuine attempt? (I'm certain if I attempt, I'll die, as I only go after highly lethal methods).

 

[forever21]

If you think you still have a chance of recovery don't ctb. What are you going to loose? A week or maybe two? But you will know that you tried everything you could.
If you're having second thoughts its probably a sign that you are still willing to live.

 

[jgm63]

I think you just have to take one day at a time and see how things go....
Otherwise you'll be going up and down, which won't do you any good....

 

[MissNietzsche]

If you think you still have a chance of recovery don't ctb. What are you going to loose? A week or maybe two? But you will know that you tried everything you could.
If you're having second thoughts its probably a sign that you are still willing to live.

Yeah, I guess you're right..without this event, I would have waited a couple months to ctb anyway. Perhaps I should stick to my original plan..

I guess I really do have nothing to lose and everything to gain..I can still take a little more pain in this life..

 

[forever21]

Yeah, I guess you're right..without this event, I would have waited a couple months to ctb anyway. Perhaps I should stick to my original plan..

I guess I really do have nothing to lose and everything to gain..I can still take a little more pain in this life..

What is your reason for wanting to ctb?

 

[MissNietzsche]

What is your reason for wanting to ctb?

Objectively, there is no meaning to life.

Subjectively, the only reason I would stay in this life is for romantic love..but I'm hideous. I don't want the type of love where my man is attracted to other girls..I want the type of love where my man believes I am the most attractive thing in the universe, and he couldn't possibly be attracted to other girls.

But no man would date a girl he wasn't physically attracted to..let alone have those types of feelings for her. So I'm screwed. I even had plastic surgery, but the results were subpar.
I'm also tired of my eating disorder; the bingeing thoughts don't go away..and I've tried LITERALLY everything.

And given my background in philosophy and knowing that there is no objective meaning to life, I see no reason to stay.

 

[forever21]

Objectively, there is no meaning to life.

Subjectively, the only reason I would stay in this life is for romantic love..but I'm hideous. I don't want the type of love where my man is attracted to other girls..I want the type of love where my man believes I am the most attractive thing in the universe, and he couldn't possibly be attracted to other girls.

But no man would date a girl he wasn't physically attracted to..let alone have those types of feelings for her. So I'm screwed. I even had plastic surgery, but the results were subpar.
I'm also tired of my eating disorder; the bingeing thoughts don't go away..and I've tried LITERALLY everything.

And given my background in philosophy and knowing that there is no objective meaning to life, I see no reason to stay.

I don't have a big background in dating, but I understand what you mean. Generally speaking, are you able to communicate normally with people. Like if you like a guy would you approach him or do you have social anxiety etc.?
You have a degree in philosophy? That's really interesting. I had philosophy in my last grade if school. Wouldn't the objective reason for a person, as long als they are not struggling with a chronic illness - to see the self grow and be a part of society?

 

[Girobatol]

Maybe there´s hope for you. I guess you are not ill, phisically or mentally, on heavy medications on a daily bases (like me).

 

[MissNietzsche]

I don't have a big background in dating, but I understand what you mean. Generally speaking, are you able to communicate normally with people. Like if you like a guy would you approach him or do you have social anxiety etc.?
You have a degree in philosophy? That's really interesting. I had philosophy in my last grade if school. Wouldn't the objective reason for a person, as long als they are not struggling with a chronic illness - to see the self grow and be a part of society?

No, I don't have that much social anxiety :s I'm just ugly tbh. No guys approach me lmao

No no, I don't have a philosophy degree haha..I switched out of that after my first year because it made me too depressed..I'm majoring in dietetics now..

That would be a subjective goal. And while tbh you can name any goal you want you're subjective goal, you can also disregard any subjective goal you want. That's the thing about subjectivity..it doesn't have to make sense heheheh

Maybe there´s hope for you. I guess you are not ill, phisically or mentally, on heavy medications on a daily bases (like me).

I'm mentally ill..but at least I'm not physically ill, you're right.

 

[forever21]

I'm just ugly tbh. No guys approach me lmao

I was only once approached by a guy. I was extremely friendly towards him. Like always smiling and laughing. Maybe guys need clear signs that you like them to approach you?
What exactly makes you ugly?

 

[MissNietzsche]

I was only once approached by a guy. I was extremely friendly towards him. Like always smiling and laughing. Maybe guys need clear signs that you like them to approach you?
What exactly makes you ugly?

Haha, believe me..I'm the same way

my face is just ugly..I have a trapezoidal shaped face..the worse you can possibly have..I also have an inverted triangle body type..again the worse you can possibly have. I have wide shoulders and very narrow hips. I have no butt too, but at least I could fix that in the gym..the others, not so much. I don't have a waist..and I carry fat in my back and upper arms. I even had a buffalo's hump on my back STILL when I was almost underweight.

My face is also just plain ugly. It's very asymmetrical. I have a tiny eye, and my nose looked like a witch nose before I got plastic surgery, but after plastic surgery, it became very, very curved. From the front, it looks like my nose is curving in a c-shape. I have no upper lip, a long philtrum, and VERY fat cheeks (it's genetic; can't get rid of it).

 

[forever21]

Haha, believe me..I'm the same way

my face is just ugly..I have a trapezoidal shaped face..the worse you can possibly have..I also have an inverted triangle body type..again the worse you can possibly have. I have wide shoulders and very narrow hips. I have no butt too, but at least I could fix that in the gym..the others, not so much. I don't have a waist..and I carry fat in my back and upper arms. I even had a buffalo's hump on my back STILL when I was almost underweight.

My face is also just plain ugly. It's very asymmetrical. I have a tiny eye, and my nose looked like a witch nose before I got plastic surgery, but after plastic surgery, it became very, very curved. From the front, it looks like my nose is curving in a c-shape. I have no upper lip, a long philtrum, and VERY fat cheeks (it's genetic; can't get rid of it).

OH my God. It sounds like you are describing me. And I'm also 21 but not from the US.
I think I was very focused on guys, like maybe overexpecting? Like if I saw a guy and liked him without even knowing him, I imagined marrying him. Silly I know. So I was very disappointed every time I wasn't approached. Also the setting has to be right I think. In different country's it may be considered rude to ask someone out of you're not in a specific location corellated to dating.
Do you have dreams in term of children or career?

 

[Bagger]

I was close as to just drink SN in august and i was experienced the same, and someone i don't expect show up, and i'm still here. I don't regret, if something or someone will make u to go through recovery even by 1% go for it. U can ctb any time you want... This is my view and experience. Good luck

 

[MissNietzsche]

OH my God. It sounds like you are describing me. And I'm also 21 but not from the US.
I think I was very focused on guys, like maybe overexpecting? Like if I saw a guy and liked him without even knowing him, I imagined marrying him. Silly I know. So I was very disappointed every time I wasn't approached. Also the setting has to be right I think. In different country's it may be considered rude to ask someone out of you're not in a specific location corellated to dating.
Do you have dreams in term of children or career?

Rip :(((

and yes!! I don't imagine marrying random guys, but I do imagine marrying guys way too early:(

I'm going to school to become a dietitian, but my biggest dream in life is to become a stay at home wife/mother can't do that without a man though

I was close as to just drink SN in august and i was experienced the same, and someone i don't expect show up, and i'm still here. I don't regret, if something or someone will make u to go through recovery even by 1% go for it. U can ctb any time you want... This is my view and experience. Good luck

Someone you don't expect to you up?

So it's been getting better for you?

 

[Girobatol]

I'm mentally ill..but at least I'm not physically ill, you're right.

Are you on psych meds? If yes then which ones?

 

[forever21]

Rip :(((

and yes!! I don't imagine marrying random guys, but I do imagine marrying guys way too early:(

I'm going to school to become a dietitian, but my biggest dream in life is to become a stay at home wife/mother can't do that without a man though


Someone you don't expect to you up?

So it's been getting better for you?

Having children is also possible without being married. Maybe you heard of co-parenting? But you would still have to have an income :/
You already had a boyfriend according to another thread? Why do you believe then it is impossible for you to find someone?

 

[MissNietzsche]

Having children is also possible without being married. Maybe you heard of co-parenting? But you would still have to have an income :/

Yeah, no..I don't want to do that..I want to give my children the best possible lives that they can..and if I don't feel like I can give them that, I won't have kids. I don't want to have kids just for my own, selfish desires

thanks for the attempt though :/

Are you on psych meds? If yes then which ones?

I've been on Vyvanse and Lexapro. Vyvanse helped, but I became tolerant and dependent. Lexapro was only good for numbing my lady parts. I had a feeling I wouldn't fare well on SSRI's, and I don't want to try another. I wasn't to try Wellbutrin, but my psych won't let me on it because I'm occasionally bulimic, and according to him, Wellbutrin + bulimia = seizures

So right now, I'm on nothing.

 

[forever21]

Yeah, no..I don't want to do that..I want to give my children the best possible lives that they can..and if I don't feel like I can give them that, I won't have kids. I don't want to have kids just for my own, selfish desires

thanks for the attempt though :/

Than I would do this:
Try everything possible to find someone. That means: trying to get in the best shape possible while staying as true to yourself as possible: work out, take care of your skin etc.
Write down what is important for you in a guy:
- he has to be OK with you being a sahm
- he has to want to have children
...
Try every app, website, go out..
I think it would be the most realistic way.

 

[Bagger]

Someone you don't expect to you up?

So it's been getting better for you?

Yes and no at the same time. Its better because my broken heart had healed a little somehow and i was able to distract myself enough to do it. Also i've taken much much MDMA which was excellent cure for my depression... And its bad because i'm alone the same as before... but i see the mighty hope on the horizon. Its hard to describe what i mean, but if u see it, the hope, even 1% of it, go for it if you can. You know, CTB is always an option... At least u can try to get better.

 

[MissNietzsche]

Than I would do this:
Try everything possible to find someone. That means: trying to get in the best shape possible while staying as true to yourself as possible: work out, take care of your skin etc.
Write down what is important for you in a guy:
- he has to be OK with you being a sahm
- he has to want to have children
...
Try every app, website, go out..
I think it would be the most realistic way.

Yessss, that's what I've been trying to do. Have you heard of the subreddit r/RedPillWomen? It's amazing for that..the only problem is that I think, even at my best, I am ugly.

Also, as I said in my last post, I actually found a guy that was perfect..but because of what I did (I texted him from a fake number, pretending to be a random girl), he says we're over..but I started texting him because I didn't know who else to turn to..and he said some things that kind of gave me hope..he said that "we're over now, but that doesn't mean things can't change later if you improve"..I just fear I'll never find a guy like him ever again..

 

[forever21]

Why would you test a guy who wasn't in a relationship with you?

 

[MissNietzsche]

Why would you test a guy who wasn't in a relationship with you?

Because I was a stupid idiot..I guess I wanted to see if he would talk to another girl that easily..

his texts are so confusing to me now
Like, why the heck would he say this

 

[forever21]

I don't know you personally. But it sounds like you are the type of person to jump right to conclusions.
How do you know he was the perfect guy if you hadn't date him? What if he would treat you badly. I understand that you are sad that it didn't work out but is it really worth it to ctb over a guy you barely know?

 

[MissNietzsche]

I don't know you personally. But it sounds like you are the type of person to jump right to conclusions.
How do you know he was the perfect guy if you hadn't date him? What if he would treat you badly. I understand that you are sad that it didn't work out but is it really worth it to ctb over a guy you barely know?

Yep..that's also what he said..and why he said we couldn't be together

I've just never met someone who actually checked off ALL of my requirements

Well, I also wanted to ctb over two past, failed relationships:/ the first one said I was too ugly, and the second one messaged another girl and lied about it..

 

[forever21]

What are your requirements?
The guy who told you you are ugly is a pos. If you have suicidal intentions because your partner called you ugly, you should talk maybe to a psychotherapist?
The second one: did you have clear rules. Were the messages romantic?
It is impossible to build a romantic relationship if you have mental illness that is not addressed. Do you trust men in general?

 

[Lotus1818]

Glad ur feeling a bit better

 

[Tearygirl]

Yep..that's also what he said..and why he said we couldn't be together

I've just never met someone who actually checked off ALL of my requirements

Well, I also wanted to ctb over two past, failed relationships:/ the first one said I was too ugly, and the second one messaged another girl and lied about it..

If you decide to ctb clearly, I can do nothing, but if you reason is feeling cant beloved, please remember that i love you. so, if that's your reason, i want you to know there is a person who loves you..

 

[MissNietzsche]

What are your requirements?
The guy who told you you are ugly is a pos. If you have suicidal intentions because your partner called you ugly, you should talk maybe to a psychotherapist?
The second one: did you have clear rules. Were the messages romantic?
It is impossible to build a romantic relationship if you have mental illness that is not addressed. Do you trust men in general?

Well, I have a BDSM kink, and it's hard to find guys into my kink and who are all around everything else I want.

I thought I was ugly before him, so it's not a big deal. I've also gotten professional help for three years, but it didn't help.

I do trust most men. My ex lied to me, but I still trust most men. It was a stupid misstep on my part..probably partly because I've really wanted to SN

If you decide to ctb clearly, I can do nothing, but if you reason is feeling cant beloved, please remember that i love you. so, if that's your reason, i want you to know there is a person who loves you..

I'm sorry, but you really don't :s I hope that doesn't offend you

 

[lymbo]

Objectively, there is no meaning to life.

Subjectively, the only reason I would stay in this life is for romantic love..but I'm hideous. I don't want the type of love where my man is attracted to other girls..I want the type of love where my man believes I am the most attractive thing in the universe, and he couldn't possibly be attracted to other girls.

But no man would date a girl he wasn't physically attracted to..let alone have those types of feelings for her. So I'm screwed. I even had plastic surgery, but the results were subpar.
I'm also tired of my eating disorder; the bingeing thoughts don't go away..and I've tried LITERALLY everything.

And given my background in philosophy and knowing that there is no objective meaning to life, I see no reason to stay.

Objectively, there is no meaning to life >? can you elaborate?

 

[Tearygirl]

Well, I have a BDSM kink, and it's hard to find guys into my kink and who are all around everything else I want.

I thought I was ugly before him, so it's not a big deal. I've also gotten professional help for three years, but it didn't help.

I do trust most men. My ex lied to me, but I still trust most men. It was a stupid misstep on my part..probably partly because I've really wanted to SN


I'm sorry, but you really don't :s I hope that doesn't offend you

it's okay. i don't feel offended by your speech. I heard "there are people who love you" for many time, but i couldn't find one. I know how to love others. and i want to beloved even i can't love myself. I can totally understand your feeling. Sorry if i offended you.