Please convince me not to kill myself

[sohopelessandempty]

I haven't made any plans yet and not sure if I ever will for many reasons so I don't want anyone thinking I killed myself, I just want comfort. I came to the recovery section because I want to be comforted and talked out of suicide. Sometimes I don't want to be talked out of it but in those cases I'll just go to the suicide discussion section. I feel like recovery is the right one to ask to convince me not to though. I want people to tell me not to kill myself, to convince me to live and to say they care. I'm probably going to bed soon since it's late here, so don't worry if I don't reply soon. Sorry I'm just used to people worrying about that stuff because of society's view on suicide, not sure if anyone would worry I'm dead here but I just get paranoid. I have a fear of emergency services being sent to my house to save me or something, sounds ridiculous since this is online but people find where others live on the internet all the time. I'd hope you guys aren't that crazy. Anyways though someone please comfort me, I can't kill myself for many other reasons but also I don't want to betray the person I love the most. I promised my boyfriend I wouldn't ctb and I never want to break a promise to him. Life is just so unbearable.

 

[grapefruit04]

Suicidal thoughts can be so strong sometimes but they will pass. Let your mind rest, you will be okay. From experience, being in a fearful emotional state doesn't allow you to truly think clearly. So even if just for a moment, give your mind some space. You can figure it out when the fog has lifted and you can see more clearly. I don't know what you're dealing with in life, but you are stronger than you think. I hope that you have a restful night of sleep.

 

[slapntickle]

I think the strongest motivation for not CTBing is simply the fact that it's incredibly difficult to arrange a painless-ish, dignified exit that doesn't traumatise either close people or strangers. It's just tough. Any substances that have previously been used are now tightly controlled. Just thinking that you want to CTB is waaaaaay off from actually doing it, and because you promised your BF, you actually aren't in the position to do anything now. So all in all - easier to keep on living, and slowly get better and mend.

 

[girl from mars]

Ultimately, you should live for yourself.

Live to see yourself become a better person. Live for the tiny joys of life, like eating your favorite food or someone you don't usually talk to saying "hi." Live to see a sunset so beautiful it leaves you breathless. Live for what you like and what you think is worth living for.
Relax, take a break, and drink some water. Your mind is rushing right now which makes it difficult to think rationally. I hope you rest well

 

[sohopelessandempty]

Ultimately, you should live for yourself.

Live to see yourself become a better person. Live for the tiny joys of life, like eating your favorite food or someone you don't usually talk to saying "hi." Live to see a sunset so beautiful it leaves you breathless. Live for what you like and what you think is worth living for.
Relax, take a break, and drink some water. Your mind is rushing right now which makes it difficult to think rationally. I hope you rest well

I can't live for myself because I hate living. It's not that I want to live for other people instead of me, it's just that I can't live for me because I hate being alive. If I could really do things "for me", I'd probably have a painless death. But I don't want to hurt the people around me. But that's not for me, is it? To live for myself is basically torturing myself, since for me, to live is to suffer most of the time. If I truly did things for myself, I wouldn't put myself through all this pain and suffering anymore.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I can't live for myself because I hate living. It's not that I want to live for other people instead of me, it's just that I can't live for me because I hate being alive. If I could really do things "for me", I'd probably have a painless death. But I don't want to hurt the people around me. But that's not for me, is it? To live for myself is basically torturing myself, since for me, to live is to suffer most of the time. If I truly did things for myself, I wouldn't put myself through all this pain and suffering anymore.

Personally I decided that if I am going to live, I will put myself in servitude of animals, that I will be there for the people like me who never had anyone. So far I haven't really done a thing besides going vegan and being more aware and calling out injustices, not sure past this.

I also hate living for myself because I too hate being alive.

 

[martyrdom]

It might help to hear that no matter what you do, you will eventually die anyway. There is a definite end to the suffering. The question is just whether it happens right now, or you wait for it to happen, but it will happen. You can wait at the bus stop and have some conversation, affection with those you love, maybe a drink, whatever other small comforts to help the wait be more bearable, and wait for the bus to eventually come for you.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

It might help to hear that no matter what you do, you will eventually die anyway. There is a definite end to the suffering. The question is just whether it happens right now, or you wait for it to happen, but it will happen. You can wait at the bus stop and have some conversation, affection with those you love, maybe a drink, whatever other small comforts to help the wait be more bearable, and wait for the bus to eventually come for you.

I love this, definitely makes me look at it from a different perspective instead of being clouded from depression. That there is a definite end to the suffering. Well, I guess it depends what someone believes happens after death but as an atheist I'm not really worried about eternal suffering or anything. So in that case, it will end. It's a when, not if. And the when doesn't have to be now. Thank you. I'll try to make the wait more bearable.

 

[martyrdom]

I love this, definitely makes me look at it from a different perspective instead of being clouded from depression. That there is a definite end to the suffering. Well, I guess it depends what someone believes happens after death but as an atheist I'm not really worried about eternal suffering or anything. So in that case, it will end. It's a when, not if. And the when doesn't have to be now. Thank you. I'll try to make the wait more bearable.

I'm very glad I could provide some comfort. You might also be helped by reading this book:

https://qprinstitute.com/pdfs/Forever_Decision.pdf

It's a very easy read, feels more like a conversation rather than a book. It does not have platitudes. It's just talking you through many feelings you may be having, and not trying to particularly convince you, but offer a different perspective or some clarity. I know it has helped many people.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

Suicidal thoughts can be so strong sometimes but they will pass. Let your mind rest, you will be okay. From experience, being in a fearful emotional state doesn't allow you to truly think clearly. So even if just for a moment, give your mind some space. You can figure it out when the fog has lifted and you can see more clearly. I don't know what you're dealing with in life, but you are stronger than you think. I hope that you have a restful night of sleep.

Thank you, you seem very kind. I went to bed kinda late but thanks anyways, hope you got some good sleep too. About giving my mind some space, I understand this however the fog never really lifts. It's always lingering even if less at times. I don't know how to make it go away, or if it ever will. I'm trying antidepressants soon hopefully.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Can you see yourself getting married to your boyfriend?

 

[sohopelessandempty]

Can you see yourself getting married to your boyfriend?

YES!!! I look forward to our future together, I obviously have other dreams and aspirations besides romance but still I can't wait until we get married and have enough money for a nice house, etc. He reminds me life is worth living, I tend to forget due to the darkness in my mind. Unable to see the future, only death. Sorry if that sounds corny, on this forum I sort of let go of the fear of sounding that way since I don't think people here are judgmental(at least from what I've seen). Life just gets really hard sometimes, I do want us to have a future together and I wouldn't ctb because of this(among other reasons). I promised him I wouldn't and so I'm trying to recover.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

YES!!! I look forward to our future together, I obviously have other dreams and aspirations besides romance but still I can't wait until we get married and have enough money for a nice house, etc. He reminds me life is worth living, I tend to forget due to the darkness in my mind. Unable to see the future, only death. Sorry if that sounds corny, on this forum I sort of let go of the fear of sounding that way since I don't think people here are judgmental(at least from what I've seen). Life just gets really hard sometimes, I do want us to have a future together and I wouldn't ctb because of this(among other reasons). I promised him I wouldn't and so I'm trying to recover.

It is not corny. You can have a nice future with him but you have to remain alive. For now the desire to spare him pain dominates which the avoiding side of things (that is, choosing to refrain from suicide) but that will eventually morph into an active dominant desire to enjoy life with him , which is the pursuing side of things (choosing to live as opposed to choosing not to die if you can see the distinction).

 

[Nightfoot]

You can't get better, or experience a better life, if you're dead. A lot of people talk about the relief that suicide will bring, and many choose it for the same reason. Unfortunately, suicide doesn't lead to relief that you will feel. It just ends your life, so the last thing you experience would be the act of killing yourself, which is probably as far from relieving as you can get.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

It is not corny. You can have a nice future with him but you have to remain alive. For now the desire to spare him pain dominates which the avoiding side of things (that is, choosing to refrain from suicide) but that will eventually morph into an active dominant desire to enjoy life with him , which is the pursuing side of things (choosing to live as opposed to choosing not to die if you can see the distinction).

Yes I see the distinction! That's my goal if I ever recover, choosing to live instead of just choosing not to kill myself. There's a difference like you said.

You can't get better, or experience a better life, if you're dead. A lot of people talk about the relief that suicide will bring, and many choose it for the same reason. Unfortunately, suicide doesn't lead to relief that you will feel. It just ends your life, so the last thing you experience would be the act of killing yourself, which is probably as far from relieving as you can get.

This is an interesting way to look at it and definitely one of the less common perspectives on this website, but it's kind of refreshing to see despite understanding the opposite. I'll keep this in mind. I never really thought of it that way, like obviously if I did ctb, that would be the last thing I did if it works, but I never really thought like it's the LAST THING I DID. That's so depressing. Anyways I'm not gonna ctb, I've made up my mind.