For me, the decision to ctb isn't final...no means or method organized, no definitely date..But I am moving closer to it. I'm tired. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially I am poor. All my own fault, all my own making, all my own internal demons I am less able to manage as the days go by. I use to could pinpoint a reason to keep moving forward, to hold on.
In a few days I will start yet another job. Another underpaid, never enough, job. That alone is spurring me forward to get out of this never ending circle of bullshit life.
I'm fast reaching the point of I can't anymore. Can't - anything. It's not that I don't want to work/be happy etc - it's literally..I can't. Like a watch that is winding down and soon to stop. It's more than depression, it's a point of acceptance that sometimes the only option is no other option than to save yourself - whatever that may look like. And for me, it's more and more looking like exiting stage left and hoping, whatever is next after this life, will be more kind, especially to those of us who have and do suffer in this one.
In a few days I will start yet another job. Another underpaid, never enough, job. That alone is spurring me forward to get out of this never ending circle of bullshit life.
I'm fast reaching the point of I can't anymore. Can't - anything. It's not that I don't want to work/be happy etc - it's literally..I can't. Like a watch that is winding down and soon to stop. It's more than depression, it's a point of acceptance that sometimes the only option is no other option than to save yourself - whatever that may look like. And for me, it's more and more looking like exiting stage left and hoping, whatever is next after this life, will be more kind, especially to those of us who have and do suffer in this one.
