on the brink of a nervous breakdown

[mouseteeth]

I'm about to lose my fucking mind. I fucking hate my fucking life.
All I fucking do is work. 6 days a fucking week, 50+ hours a fucking week. All I get to do is barely sleep for 4-5 hours then work for 8 1/2 + hours, then spend the rest of my day completely dissociated, staring at the wall and thinking about how much I want to fucking die.
I used to work part-time then they offered me a full-time position that my fucking mom literally forced me to accept it because I'm still living home. She doesn't give a single fucking shit about me or what I am going through mentally.
I am literally going to kill myself because I cannot stand living like this.
I tried getting help, I started seeing a therapist over a month ago, and it didn't help at all.
The fact is, I am a high functioning autistic person . I have aspergers. I might appear normal at first but I can barely function in this kind of environment, and everyone sees it, I am the outcast, I am the weirdo. I do not belong among "normal" people. I'm forced to work among these "normal" people who are oversocialized, overly aggressive, and play these awful fucking social games that I just do not understand and that they use against me. I cannot fucking go on like this

 

[Hollow Point]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. Work fatigue is no joke. I know what it's like to work yourself to the bone for no good reason. When I was working like a dog, I was unhappy. Now that I'm homeless and never know where my next buck is coming from, I look back at those days and the good times.

I'm not trying to downplay your struggle or make you feel like you should be happy. We all have our own situations and our ways of reacting. In Hope's to maybe make you feel a bit better, I'm proud and envious of you for having a full time job. Not that it's easy, but I can confidently tell you that the path unemployment leads too when you have nobody to help is bad.

I know you barely have time to yourself, but I think its important to have a good distraction or hobby to have to do with your off time. When I would do nothing but work and sleep, it certainly got to me. What helped me was writing. Sometime you can escape into :)

 

[mouseteeth]

I'm a nearly 30 year old woman. i think this is the end of the line for me. I am too socially retarded to meet anybody. Shits only going to get harder from here on out.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

This is going to sound fucking stupid, but bear with me here...
MMORPG games. I'm serious. I met the love of my life on one. The fact she later had to leave because her visa dried out is irrelevant, the fact that I met her in the first place, though, is a proof of concept.
You have two advantages on you: you're female and you're relatively young.
Admittedly, the chances are fairly slim, and if you divebomb into a universe solely for the purpose of finding somebody to marry, even slimmer.
But again, you're a woman. MMORPG games are full of primarily guys. Note that I didn't use "men". There ARE men, though.
Mind you, this is coming from a man that classifies himself as a socially anxious brain cripple. Among my troubles I have what I think is an actual goddamn phobia of women. Any women under 90 years old. To activate it you need to meet four conditions: be a woman, exist in my line of sight, acknowledge my existence, take at least one meaningful step towards me. I will freeze like a deer in headlights. That's just me, though.

Jokes aside, we live in a strange era - with the internet's help we can make meaningful friendship simply by existing on it and showcasing our existence. I've read thousands, and I do mean thousands of tales of men, women, boys, girls, guys, chicks, and any combinations making meaningful friendship with the assistance of the internet, be it marriage or dating.

Avoid tinder like the fucking plague, though. I've been pondering rentafriend for quite the while. There are some warm, tingly stories of the so called "friend prostitute", as I call them, drop the fee (very common), and at least one story of actual marriage coming from the titular dating.

Simply by existing, not just as a woman, but as a person, you already have an advantage. I don't recall the name of who said it, but "if you come online looking for a friend, you'd find little. If you're coming online to be one, suddenly people come in droves."

 

[Sensei]

OP, let's just look at your work situation. You obviously sleep too little and that makes you prone to being depressed and suicidal. You must talk to your employer about this. I don't know how things work where you live, but where I live they're usually very understanding when it comes to this. Your working hours can most probably be reduced, one way or another. I think that you won't be able to solve any other problems before you've solved this one. Just my two cents.

 

[timf]

It can be tricky to have work as the most significant portion of your life and then have it be a miserable experience. Is there any way to make a small portion of work enjoyable? If there isn't, then it may be possible to make a small portion of your free time into something you can look forward to. Many social activities can be too stressful for people with Aspergers. However, activities such as some volunteer work can be satisfying and also provide limited social demands.

As has already been mentioned leisure activities such as games can be a relaxation opportunity especially if they revolve around a special interest. There is an Aspergers forum called "Wrong planet" that you might find useful in seeing what other people have found to be successful management and coping strategies.

 

[Done at Fifty]

I can only say that I empathize and understand. I was in that situation in my 20s, 30s, 40s and now 50s. Companies go under and restructure like crazy and they seem to hire the most sinister people to run the offices. I can only say that I'm glad I at least have some financial security from work and try to save what I can.
In retrospect though, I have wondered if I should've taken the bit of money I had and put a down payment on a property. Maybe that would have at least provided me with some feeling of security if I couldn't work anymore.

 

[throwaway123]

I'm about to lose my fucking mind. I fucking hate my fucking life.
All I fucking do is work. 6 days a fucking week, 50+ hours a fucking week. All I get to do is barely sleep for 4-5 hours then work for 8 1/2 + hours, then spend the rest of my day completely dissociated, staring at the wall and thinking about how much I want to fucking die.
I used to work part-time then they offered me a full-time position that my fucking mom literally forced me to accept it because I'm still living home. She doesn't give a single fucking shit about me or what I am going through mentally.
I am literally going to kill myself because I cannot stand living like this.
I tried getting help, I started seeing a therapist over a month ago, and it didn't help at all.
The fact is, I am a high functioning autistic person . I have aspergers. I might appear normal at first but I can barely function in this kind of environment, and everyone sees it, I am the outcast, I am the weirdo. I do not belong among "normal" people. I'm forced to work among these "normal" people who are oversocialized, overly aggressive, and play these awful fucking social games that I just do not understand and that they use against me. I cannot fucking go on like this

i know how that feels more than you think. not sure what to say other than youre not alone. it helps me sometimes to think there are others out there like me too