On my way to a town a few hours from my apartment to drink as many bottles of visine as I can get my hands on in my car i'm a parking lot. If I die wonderful. If not I'll wind up in a hospital. I just can't carry on any longer. Something has to give today. I can't wait days to weeks longer.
Do you need someone to call for help to transport you to the hospital? If it's technically someone else who's concerned for you who gets you there partially against your will, would that help?
(I can do that for you if you ever want/need.)
I relate deeply to the thoughts and feelings you're sharing about staying sick and suffering vs getting help at your breaking point. In the past it's helped for someone to tell me that I -have- to go to the hospital, and even being taken there by ambulance. And I'm ALWAYS going to fight against it at least 80%, but we know ourselves well enough to recognize when the deepest, most infantile and primal parts of us are begging for help, pleading to live.
