Officially homeless. Tonight is the night

[fadedghost]

Yeah ended up booking a room. There's a social worker that really insisted on me finding a place to sleep tonight. Went through with one of the bookings she suggested

I'm not certain what it is. It might be like an air BNB? It'd be sick for me to ctb there. I'm starting to regret booking it honestly.

Oh well at least I'll have a few hours of peace and warmth

I hope you have enough for a gym membership still. Library card + library with computers + homeless shelter + gym to easily shower = ability to find a job if you're able to work. It still sucks, all of it sucks. If you don't have enough for a gym membership, some charity places have showers for unhoused people, it's just harder to deal with. Hope you are alright. Poverty is awful.

If you are homeless and don't know many people, you could also just go to a city that spends a lot to fight homelessness. They may be more able to help and it may be easier to find work in a big city. Sorry everything sucks so much.

 

[meddle]

hey, buddy, how was your day?

 

[Exhausted546]

hey, buddy, how was your day?

Hey, it was nice to be in a cozy room while it was cold and raining heavily outside. However last night made me realize that housing alone won't fix me , which just made me want to ctb ASAP.

Altered between enjoying the warmth and thinking about how cooked I am. Anyway I woke up , few calls with social workers to see if there were some available beds in homeless shelters

A big part of me felt like it'd be better to just wait nightime,fix the FSH setup & ctb.

Spent the day at my university's library, I completely look homeless so id make sure to open my laptop and open class notes to ward off suspicions from security. (I do have my student card though)

Decided to get an haircut for 2 reason.
1. I'd look less homeless.
2. If I do ctb and I get a open casket funeral , at least I'll look somewhat good.

I hope you have enough for a gym membership still. Library card + library with computers + homeless shelter + gym to easily shower = ability to find a job if you're able to work. It still sucks, all of it sucks. If you don't have enough for a gym membership, some charity places have showers for unhoused people, it's just harder to deal with. Hope you are alright. Poverty is awful.

If you are homeless and don't know many people, you could also just go to a city that spends a lot to fight homelessness. They may be more able to help and it may be easier to find work in a big city. Sorry everything sucks so much.

I truly appreciate the advice!

 

[meddle]

Hey, it was nice to be in a cozy room while it was cold and raining heavily outside. However last night made me realize that housing alone won't fix me , which just made me want to ctb ASAP.

Altered between enjoying the warmth and thinking about how cooked I am. Anyway I woke up , few calls with social workers to see if there were some available beds in homeless shelters

A big part of me felt like it'd be better to just wait nightime,fix the FSH setup & ctb.

Spent the day at my university's library, I completely look homeless so id make sure to open my laptop and open class notes to ward off suspicions from security. (I do have my student card though)

Decided to get an haircut for 2 reason.
1. I'd look less homeless.
2. If I do ctb and I get a open casket funeral , at least I'll look somewhat good.

why housing alone wont fix you? whats other problems? sorry to hear that. still hoping that you will change your mind... but you really are in tough situation, idk what would i do. dont you have friends or relatives, which can help?

 

[Exhausted546]

why housing alone wont fix you? whats other problems? sorry to hear that. still hoping that you will change your mind... but you really are in tough situation, idk what would i do. dont you have friends or relatives, which can help?

It's hard to explain. While 99% of the world population would kill to have the opportunities I have, I just hate this timeline,I'm just exhausted. Maybe going to another province and restarting my life would help,I'm a year away from graduating engineering school. (Don't think I'll get a job afterwards tho, friends who graduated years ago still can't find anything. I should have picked another engineering field ,didn't know AI would kill the market)

Its all related to past traumas from a decade ago that made me drop out of med school and left me absolutely broken. It's been an endless pointless struggles to become even remotely functional again since. After a decade worth of struggles, I'm tired, don't have any fight left in me.

 

[Exhausted546]

It rained a lot, I anticipated the snow melting or rain and the woods being flooded so thankfully I've been carrying rain boots.

I wish I had alcohol to help me get the courage to return to the woods

 

[meddle]

It's hard to explain. While 99% of the world population would kill to have the opportunities I have, I just hate this timeline,I'm just exhausted. Maybe going to another province and restarting my life would help,I'm a year away from graduating engineering school. (Don't think I'll get a job afterwards tho, friends who graduated years ago still can't find anything. I should have picked another engineering field ,didn't know AI would kill the market)

Its all related to past traumas from a decade ago that made me drop out of med school and left me absolutely broken. It's been an endless pointless struggles to become even remotely functional again since. After a decade worth of struggles, I'm tired, don't have any fight left in me.

but maybe there still is some hope? do you have any friends or relatives, who can help? its a shame to see such great person go

 

[meddle]

how are you, buddy? are you still there?

 

[LongWayAlone]

Keep up update bro' hope you will find peace

 

[Exhausted546]

how are you, buddy? are you still there?

I am, it's unfortunately too close to Easter now, feel like it'd ruin Easter for my family. I want to ctb asap tho, I really can't stand this timeline

 

[meddle]

I am, it's unfortunately too close to Easter now, feel like it'd ruin Easter for my family. I want to ctb asap tho, I really can't stand this timeline

maybe your family can help you?

 

[Exhausted546]

maybe your family can help you?

They're a major cause of my current state TBH so not exactly. Seeking their help over the past decade has only done more damage to my psyche

 

[Harrier]

They're a major cause of my current state TBH so not exactly. Seeking their help over the past decade has only done more damage to my psyche

I too, have trouble seeking help from family.

I have been suicidal for 35 years, and no one who is a family members knows how I think, or that any of their actions could be a cause for why I want to die.

I wish you peace for whatever you decide.

And if you go, and do what you tried to do last week, I and others will be here.

You won't be alone.

Take care.

 

[meddle]

They're a major cause of my current state TBH so not exactly. Seeking their help over the past decade has only done more damage to my psyche

oh im soo sorry then its up to you to decide which option is better for you. we are here for you no matter what you choose

 

[Exhausted546]

I too, have trouble seeking help from family.

I have been suicidal for 35 years, and no one who is a family members knows how I think, or that any of their actions could be a cause for why I want to die.

I wish you peace for whatever you decide.

And if you go, and do what you tried to do last week, I and others will be here.

You won't be alone.

Take care.

I truly appreciate you sharing this and being supportive.

Truthfully ,out of experience (cause trust me I tried countless times) anything I tell my family will be weaponized against me, I'll be alienated even further, they'll unapologetically double down on the behavior that kick-started ,call me insane and selfish for how it'd be a burden on them and their respective families then brush the whole thing under the rug once again.

My biggest regret was not moving out before traumatic events happened 11 years ago that broke me. From that point my family hounded on me like vultures to a carcass. I remember sending a long wall of text to my sibling begging him to have a simple talk with my sociopathic parent that was trying their hardest to break me psychologically (health issues,new medication and treatments were already putting me in a very vulnerable spot) so I could have a minimum of peace until the holidays, then I'd move out after my exams,as i was dealing with way too much,if this abusive insanity kept going everything would collapse.

He replied "I don't give a shit, grow up". Things only got so much worse and so much more toxic from there. I ended up truly hitting rock bottom psychologically,I identified with reek from game of thrones with how broken I became, I eventually failed out of medschool path,was a broken shell of my former self. My family hounded on me and doubled,tripled,quadrupled their toxicity while the sociopathic parent became more&more abusive.It's impossible to explain how much of a number it did on me. Maybe it's because I was also dealing with a cocktail of soul-wrecking demoralizing health issues at the same time which left me extra vulnerable and ended up having a compounded effect with the psychological abuse.

Even when I left that environment,I was still broken,I guess still being in contact with their toxicity and them doubling down constantly on no abuse ever happening ,that it was all my fault,that I was always going to fail anyway and so on didn't help. I don't know. I do know I would have survived the health issues by themselves but not combined with the family stuff.
It took me an embarrassing number of years to become remotely functional again. (Of course I'm skipping most of the details).

My family can't help, they'll just make me go crazy and want to ctb even more.

 

[Harrier]

I truly appreciate you sharing this and being supportive.

Truthfully ,out of experience (cause trust me I tried countless times) anything I tell my family will be weaponized against me, I'll be alienated even further, they'll unapologetically double down on the behavior that kick-started ,call me insane and selfish for how it'd be a burden on them and their respective families then brush the whole thing under the rug once again.

My biggest regret was not moving out before traumatic events happened 11 years ago that broke me. From that point my family hounded on me like vultures to a carcass. I remember sending a long wall of text to my sibling begging him to have a simple talk with my sociopathic parent that was trying their hardest to break me psychologically (health issues,new medication and treatments were already putting me in a very vulnerable spot) so I could have a minimum of peace until the holidays, then I'd move out after my exams,as i was dealing with way too much,if this abusive insanity kept going everything would collapse.

He replied "I don't give a shit, grow up". Things only got so much worse and so much more toxic from there. I ended up truly hitting rock bottom psychologically,I identified with reek from game of thrones with how broken I became, I eventually failed out of medschool path,was a broken shell of my former self. My family hounded on me and doubled,tripled,quadrupled their toxicity while the sociopathic parent became more&more abusive.It's impossible to explain how much of a number it did on me. Maybe it's because I was also dealing with a cocktail of soul-wrecking demoralizing health issues at the same time which left me extra vulnerable and ended up having a compounded effect with the psychological abuse.

Even when I left that environment,I was still broken,I guess still being in contact with their toxicity and them doubling down constantly on no abuse ever happening ,that it was all my fault,that I was always going to fail anyway and so on didn't help. I don't know. I do know I would have survived the health issues by themselves but not combined with the family stuff.
It took me an embarrassing number of years to become remotely functional again. (Of course I'm skipping most of the details).

My family can't help, they'll just make me go crazy and want to ctb even more.

I do want to say that you are not inherently broken.

Us who are are here, at this forlorn place where we contemplate the best option to be non-existence, did not break ourselves.

We entered this world with no consent, are in pain by being in this world, and other people actively try to block our attempts at exit.

You are not inherently broken - we have become broken by life.

May you find peace, whatever you choose.

Be safe.

 

[QuincyME]

Like you, I'll be homeless in 4 months. I have a loaded gun capable of separating my head from my shoulders 2 feet away from me but don't have the mental strength, for lack of a better term, to pull the trigger. I wish you the best very best of luck in your attempt. No human being should be subjected to homelessness.

 

[Exhausted546]

Like you, I'll be homeless in 4 months. I have a loaded gun capable of separating my head from my shoulders 2 feet away from me but don't have the mental strength, for lack of a better term, to pull the trigger. I wish you the best very best of luck in your attempt. No human being should be subjected to homelessness.

A shotgun? Regardless of what type of gun it is, it having the power to do that much damage would definitely require a lot of mental strength to pull the trigger..I wish you the best whatever you decide

 

[9mmisglutenfree]

It's hard to explain. While 99% of the world population would kill to have the opportunities I have, I just hate this timeline,I'm just exhausted.

whew. I could have written this exact thing. big hugs.

I am, it's unfortunately too close to Easter now, feel like it'd ruin Easter for my family. I want to ctb asap tho, I really can't stand this timeline

what's (maybe not so) funny is that with how religious my family is, they would probably appreciate having easter so nearby due to how and what they celebrate.

Like you, I'll be homeless in 4 months. I have a loaded gun capable of separating my head from my shoulders 2 feet away from me but don't have the mental strength, for lack of a better term, to pull the trigger. I wish you the best very best of luck in your attempt. No human being should be subjected to homelessness.

I've sat for up to an hour at a time with the 12g barrel in my mouth with a 1oz slug aimed right at my cerebral cortex trying just to have the nerve. that is very relatable. unfortunately i gave that gun to a friend and had to steal my 9mm that i asked my dad to hang on to. but he knows i have it since he noticed it missing, and i told him i was ok to have it. so i would probably just go buy another shotgun because knowing i had the suicide weapon would tear my dad apart

 

[Harrier]

Would the Easter family members think that you would ressurrect?

I know, bad joke.

 

[9mmisglutenfree]

Would the Easter family members think that you would ressurrect?

I know, bad joke.

in my case, yes. 100% undoubtedly someday they would expect to see me again in mormon heaven. i guess technically not quite heaven that's for the top tier people. unironically, if not hell theyd expect me to be in the third tier of "heaven adjacent"

good lord this made me realize theyre going to immediately do my "mormon temple work" once I die

 

[Exhausted546]

I can't wait for Easter to pass. Hell, maybe I shouldn't wait that long. I'm feeling restless all day,I can't wait to be done with this timeline

My life had a lot of potential,it was forcibly sabotaged, then a decade of fruitless struggle to get back to normal led to nowhere in the end,I'm out of fight and ressources, hate the options remaining and the parameters I'm supposed to be living under. It's not a life worth living to me

 

[BrokenByTheSystem]

This comment is a shot in the dark and in no way I'm trying to convince you to not kill yourself, I think everyone should be free to decide what's better to itself.

I don't know your ambitious or anything, BUT maybe just letting go of society expectations might help you, stop trying to be like the others, live your own way, and you don't need money neither being successful to do it.

Take a look in a subreddit called r/vagabond I found a few weeks ago, people there are all homeless trying to live in the streets asking for money and food, they just leave their homes and go out to the streets with a backpack and a few basic need items.

I'm just trying to show you a different perspectivr in case you've never seen it before.

I'm not homeless yet but when I be I'll definitely try a living like that, free from expectations, asking for food and if denying me basic needs then robbing is the next step.

 

[SDB]

Like you, I'll be homeless in 4 months. I have a loaded gun capable of separating my head from my shoulders 2 feet away from me but don't have the mental strength, for lack of a better term, to pull the trigger. I wish you the best very best of luck in your attempt. No human being should be subjected to homelessness.

Why will you be homeless ? Can you stay with someone?

 

[Exhausted546]

This comment is a shot in the dark and in no way I'm trying to convince you to not kill yourself, I think everyone should be free to decide what's better to itself.

I don't know your ambitious or anything, BUT maybe just letting go of society expectations might help you, stop trying to be like the others, live your own way, and you don't need money neither being successful to do it.

Take a look in a subreddit called r/vagabond I found a few weeks ago, people there are all homeless trying to live in the streets asking for money and food, they just leave their homes and go out to the streets with a backpack and a few basic need items.

I'm just trying to show you a different perspectivr in case you've never seen it before.

I'm not homeless yet but when I be I'll definitely try a living like that, free from expectations, asking for food and if denying me basic needs then robbing is the next step.

I'm not willing to for many reasons but I applaud everybody that can and does, definitely not something I could do

 

[QuincyME]

Why will you be homeless ? Can you stay with someone?

There is no one. I'm all alone in this world.

 

[SDB]

There is no one. I'm all alone in this world.

I just about have no one too. It's impossible to meet anyone with anything in common I find.

 

[Exhausted546]

It is soon my time

 

[Exhausted546]

I'm lacking the decisiveness I had a week ago, I probably need to first do the set up and then drink so I can impulsively go through it

 

[Harrier]

I'm lacking the decisiveness I had a week ago, I probably need to first do the set up and then drink so I can impulsively go through it

Be safe.

Are you still housed?