Bikishii
yeah yeah whatever
- Mar 12, 2026
- 87
I just got released from the psych ward today. Finished my 72 hour hold. I was going to use my triple method: CO poisoning, OD-ingestion on multiple prescription meds with prescription anti-emetics to keep everything down with plenty of benzos and alcohol, and my trusty revolver in case I got too scared. I ended up just passing out and hitting my head on my living room table, I guess. The police showed up in the morning and tried to help me to my feet, seeing my notes about being careful that there was CO being generated, and they (of course) confiscated my gun and I'm never seeing that again, then took me to the hospital in the back of a police car because that'd be cheaper than an ambulance. I guess I appreciate them for that. I said and did the things I needed to do to get out, made friendly with the nurses and social workers, and now the people around me are willing to help me now that I'm out but that doesn't mean all my problems are gone. If anything, some of them have been exacerbated because of this. Those pigfuckers took my camp stoves that I was using as CO generators, but they didn't take my cocktail of meds that I made on my own with a classic mortar and pestle. I already ordered two more butane stones and a ton of SN on Amazon, rush delivery for tomorrow, and am not sure if I should go again.
I'm not asking for any of you to say "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" or "noooo don't!! you need to stay alive, you've hurt them and you'll hurt them even more!!", but I'm just now uncertain if I should go again since I failed so pathetically this time. Definitely did everything in the wrong order. Should've locked myself in the small, sealed room before I started getting into the liquid courage and night-night pills too much, not the other way around. I feel like a fucking idiot. Especially considering the bill I'm gonna get since I don't have insurance, this is gonna cost an arm and a leg which is just another reason to CTB. I don't know what to do. I'm not going to just dive in head first and go again tomorrow (especially since I'm too low on benzos now to be worth trying to go to sleep before the other prescription cocktail; gonna be another 10 days before I can get a refill) but I want to at least make sure I have my options open.
I missed the bus. I got to see the pain of the people I didn't want to hurt. I knew they would hurt bad, and they'd hurt even more if I had succeeded, but I just wish I hadn't seen it. It makes me even more scared to go again, knowing they'll be even more upset considering I was as charming enough a liar to convince them this wouldn't happen again, especially not so soon. I don't know how to feel. I feel sad, like a disappointment, like yet another generation of suicides among my family (pfft, as if I'm even close with any extended family), like I failed myself, I failed others, the whole lot. One person in particular who I wanted to be told about what happened, she reacted very strangely to it and in a very uncomfortable and ungrateful way. But I guess that's just how artists are, sometimes.
Anyway. Wah wah wah, poor Bikishii.
I'm not asking for any of you to say "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" or "noooo don't!! you need to stay alive, you've hurt them and you'll hurt them even more!!", but I'm just now uncertain if I should go again since I failed so pathetically this time. Definitely did everything in the wrong order. Should've locked myself in the small, sealed room before I started getting into the liquid courage and night-night pills too much, not the other way around. I feel like a fucking idiot. Especially considering the bill I'm gonna get since I don't have insurance, this is gonna cost an arm and a leg which is just another reason to CTB. I don't know what to do. I'm not going to just dive in head first and go again tomorrow (especially since I'm too low on benzos now to be worth trying to go to sleep before the other prescription cocktail; gonna be another 10 days before I can get a refill) but I want to at least make sure I have my options open.
I missed the bus. I got to see the pain of the people I didn't want to hurt. I knew they would hurt bad, and they'd hurt even more if I had succeeded, but I just wish I hadn't seen it. It makes me even more scared to go again, knowing they'll be even more upset considering I was as charming enough a liar to convince them this wouldn't happen again, especially not so soon. I don't know how to feel. I feel sad, like a disappointment, like yet another generation of suicides among my family (pfft, as if I'm even close with any extended family), like I failed myself, I failed others, the whole lot. One person in particular who I wanted to be told about what happened, she reacted very strangely to it and in a very uncomfortable and ungrateful way. But I guess that's just how artists are, sometimes.
Anyway. Wah wah wah, poor Bikishii.
