Still Flutter Girl
An alphabet soup of pain, pain, and more pain
- Jun 13, 2022
- 26
I pushed through last year for no reason, through hellish conditions. It was pointless.
It's important for me to choose a special day, one of significance…and I'm taking the first one that comes up. I'm going to be out of money, I have no emotional support, and everything is just constant pain from disabilities, isolation because of being shunned for being disabled, and never having felt like I fit in or had a chance, due to severe abuse, and neurodivergencies not recognized earlier in life.
I've been through childhood sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, disabled abuse, financial abuse, all kinds of psyops.
My birth father was a pedophile and my mother was so outrageously horrific that I now realize I didn't even see myself as human for a long time, because I was so horribly fucking abused. I was an open target for him because of a mixture of unrecognized developmental delays (bc I was forced to stay so quiet), and her open cruelty.
I had a career to get out from her thumb, but got disabled, and can't continue to have that woman financially abusing me for her enjoyment. It's been over 5 years of living in bed, and I was abused by an ex as well, who would withhold meds and made me sicker so he could steal my shit…bc he could smell "easy target" on me.
I've finally learned the things I was never taught, but it's too late, and the pain is too extreme. But it can't be worse than this, so I'll soon be opting out, as long as the SN I got last year is legit.
Either there's nothing after this and the pain stops, and if there's more, I can't see being further punished after all I've been through. I get depressed when I try to work things out, bc I know nothing will allow me long-term freedom and stability, and I'm too severely disabled not to have those things…the thought of prolonging the inevitable is too painful to bear anymore.
Will be hanging around a bit more for a while when I can, and when I feel like breaking from isolation…but otherwise will be tying up loose ends.
My only joy comes when I think of this all being over with, and I need to get back to that point. Calm, relaxing, no pressure to survive…and then an exit.
My pain bouts are so bad that I don't fear any temporary pain from SN…tbh, all I fear is it not working.
It's important for me to choose a special day, one of significance…and I'm taking the first one that comes up. I'm going to be out of money, I have no emotional support, and everything is just constant pain from disabilities, isolation because of being shunned for being disabled, and never having felt like I fit in or had a chance, due to severe abuse, and neurodivergencies not recognized earlier in life.
I've been through childhood sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, disabled abuse, financial abuse, all kinds of psyops.
My birth father was a pedophile and my mother was so outrageously horrific that I now realize I didn't even see myself as human for a long time, because I was so horribly fucking abused. I was an open target for him because of a mixture of unrecognized developmental delays (bc I was forced to stay so quiet), and her open cruelty.
I had a career to get out from her thumb, but got disabled, and can't continue to have that woman financially abusing me for her enjoyment. It's been over 5 years of living in bed, and I was abused by an ex as well, who would withhold meds and made me sicker so he could steal my shit…bc he could smell "easy target" on me.
I've finally learned the things I was never taught, but it's too late, and the pain is too extreme. But it can't be worse than this, so I'll soon be opting out, as long as the SN I got last year is legit.
Either there's nothing after this and the pain stops, and if there's more, I can't see being further punished after all I've been through. I get depressed when I try to work things out, bc I know nothing will allow me long-term freedom and stability, and I'm too severely disabled not to have those things…the thought of prolonging the inevitable is too painful to bear anymore.
Will be hanging around a bit more for a while when I can, and when I feel like breaking from isolation…but otherwise will be tying up loose ends.
My only joy comes when I think of this all being over with, and I need to get back to that point. Calm, relaxing, no pressure to survive…and then an exit.
My pain bouts are so bad that I don't fear any temporary pain from SN…tbh, all I fear is it not working.
