Everything is my fault. Every stupid decision to get better and help myself improve in life was my fault. I tried to go to the doctor and dentist for my health and got abused and mistreated. I tried to go to college and was judged by the staff. I tried to work and was extremely bullied and mistreated.
It all started when I was born. It is my fault for being born with complications and causing my mother to have a C-section, which she still complains about until this day. It's my fault for having a speech disability and no one corrected it when I was a toddler. It's my fault for getting bullied and rejected by peers for it in the first grade and being labeled the rest of life with the stigma that I'm stupid. It's my fault for not being pretty like my sister and everyone never noticing me and treating me like I'm a disgusting creature. It's my fault for people mocking me and laughing at me, including my family.
It's my fault for not having one teacher give a damn about me. Who would care about a quiet, shy student who does their work and doesn't cause any trouble in the classroom? It's my fault for being that way. It's my fault that none of my teachers cared about what went on in my household. It's my fault that none of my teachers care that my writing and communication skills were terrible and didn't help me.
It's my fault for living in an abusive household where, at five, I had to stop my father from choking my mother. It is my fault for fighting and standing up to him when he abuses everyone in the house. It's my fault for reacting negatively to the fighting and arguing daily. It is my fault for being ashamed and embarrassed about my home life and scared. It's my fault for my mother hating me and picking him over me. It's my fault for starting my day in panic mode and distress because I was abruptly awakened to yelling and fighting before I went to school. Then it was the same when I got back home. It's my fault for developing PTSD, anxiety and depression from it.
It's my fault for allowing my cousin to come over to the house and spend the night molesting me when I was four and five and probably earlier than that, but I don't remember that far back. It's my fault for having parents who never loved me and never cared about me or my future. It's my fault for never having a chance in life. It's my fault for being verbally, emotionally and mentally abused by them. It is my fault for being easily manipulated by my parents and sabotaged throughout my life. It is my fault for growing up in an abusive religious household and being told my days will be shortened by having an opinion, speaking up, and wanting to be left alone.
It is my fault for being misunderstood by everyone. It is my fault for being an easy target for bullies and abusers. It is my fault for being unlovable. It is my fault for being too kind and nice. It is my fault for not following society's way of how we treat people who are different. It is my fault for not thinking like the majority. It is my fault to see people as human and equal that all should strive in this world with support and care and not competition, disposable and as money objects. It is my fault for forcing myself to have hope and optimism because I didn't trust myself with what I really knew and felt who humans were. It is my fault for never trusting myself. It is my fault for fear of confrontation. It is my fault for looking like the bad guy when I show any kind of anger. It is my fault for having self-doubt and overthinking.
It's my fault for my brain being wired differently. It all my fault for my brain not developing right or maybe it was and all the abuse damage it. It's my fault for not speaking up and standing up for myself, because my parents have ignored my voice and abused me. It is my fault for neglect and trauma. It is my fault for all my mini-emotional breakdown and my full-on nervous breakdown. It is always my fault for having this life. Now it is time to buy a gun and be gone forever.
*Sorry for the bad writing and grammar. I'm emotional.
It all started when I was born. It is my fault for being born with complications and causing my mother to have a C-section, which she still complains about until this day. It's my fault for having a speech disability and no one corrected it when I was a toddler. It's my fault for getting bullied and rejected by peers for it in the first grade and being labeled the rest of life with the stigma that I'm stupid. It's my fault for not being pretty like my sister and everyone never noticing me and treating me like I'm a disgusting creature. It's my fault for people mocking me and laughing at me, including my family.
It's my fault for not having one teacher give a damn about me. Who would care about a quiet, shy student who does their work and doesn't cause any trouble in the classroom? It's my fault for being that way. It's my fault that none of my teachers cared about what went on in my household. It's my fault that none of my teachers care that my writing and communication skills were terrible and didn't help me.
It's my fault for living in an abusive household where, at five, I had to stop my father from choking my mother. It is my fault for fighting and standing up to him when he abuses everyone in the house. It's my fault for reacting negatively to the fighting and arguing daily. It is my fault for being ashamed and embarrassed about my home life and scared. It's my fault for my mother hating me and picking him over me. It's my fault for starting my day in panic mode and distress because I was abruptly awakened to yelling and fighting before I went to school. Then it was the same when I got back home. It's my fault for developing PTSD, anxiety and depression from it.
It's my fault for allowing my cousin to come over to the house and spend the night molesting me when I was four and five and probably earlier than that, but I don't remember that far back. It's my fault for having parents who never loved me and never cared about me or my future. It's my fault for never having a chance in life. It's my fault for being verbally, emotionally and mentally abused by them. It is my fault for being easily manipulated by my parents and sabotaged throughout my life. It is my fault for growing up in an abusive religious household and being told my days will be shortened by having an opinion, speaking up, and wanting to be left alone.
It is my fault for being misunderstood by everyone. It is my fault for being an easy target for bullies and abusers. It is my fault for being unlovable. It is my fault for being too kind and nice. It is my fault for not following society's way of how we treat people who are different. It is my fault for not thinking like the majority. It is my fault to see people as human and equal that all should strive in this world with support and care and not competition, disposable and as money objects. It is my fault for forcing myself to have hope and optimism because I didn't trust myself with what I really knew and felt who humans were. It is my fault for never trusting myself. It is my fault for fear of confrontation. It is my fault for looking like the bad guy when I show any kind of anger. It is my fault for having self-doubt and overthinking.
It's my fault for my brain being wired differently. It all my fault for my brain not developing right or maybe it was and all the abuse damage it. It's my fault for not speaking up and standing up for myself, because my parents have ignored my voice and abused me. It is my fault for neglect and trauma. It is my fault for all my mini-emotional breakdown and my full-on nervous breakdown. It is always my fault for having this life. Now it is time to buy a gun and be gone forever.
*Sorry for the bad writing and grammar. I'm emotional.
