Non-existance is scary

[A_Breath_Away]

Hello. Long-time lurker, first time poster. Not to throw a pity party, but this life has been nothing but a series of misfortunes, miscommunications, and all-over just general suck.

I have a myriad of physical and mental issues and I'm just tired. I just wanna CTB so bad but I'm so bad at it. I've had 3 attempts and 2 hospitalizations in the last year. I think part of that comes down to fear. The idea of non-existance while comforting to some scares the shit out of me. I know I can't have my cake and eat it too. It's either one or the other.

Scarier still, I was raised in the church and suicide is a big no-no. But this has just become hell on earth and God has seen how bad I've suffered the last few years. Surely he can understand that this is the only way it'll truly end. And I need it to end. I'm hurting and I need it to stop.

I'm broke and stuck with family so my options are severely limited. Hanging is everyone's go to but it HURTS like FUCK and I've barely been able to get light-headed much less pass out, so partial's totally out since it is so unreliable. Can't afford inert gas cuz that shit pricey and I can't just ask for money from friends and family just to off myself with it.

I guess this is just a vent-piece but any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

 

[chaewon]

Technically u can just ask for money from friends and family and off urself with it, and i heard full suspension works better than partial

 

[HangMan123]

The way I see things is that after you're dead, you won't even know it. You can't even be scared or feel dread. Just—nothing. Why be scared of something you'll never experience? It's like being afraid that a shark will jump out of your toilet and gobble you up; technically it's scary, but it's never going to happen.

 

[A_Breath_Away]

I get that. But they'd know the money spent on supplies came from them. I don't want them to have to live with that. I'm tired of being a burden. That's the biggest reason I'm doing this.

I'm looking into full-suspension as we speak but pain is the main deterent. I can't even afford a decent rope. And my family is watching me because of my attempts which makes things even trickier.

 

[hell toupee]

Hello. Long-time lurker, first time poster. Not to throw a pity party, but this life has been nothing but a series of misfortunes, miscommunications, and all-over just general suck.

I have a myriad of physical and mental issues and I'm just tired. I just wanna CTB so bad but I'm so bad at it. I've had 3 attempts and 2 hospitalizations in the last year. I think part of that comes down to fear. The idea of non-existance while comforting to some scares the shit out of me. I know I can't have my cake and eat it too. It's either one or the other.

Scarier still, I was raised in the church and suicide is a big no-no. But this has just become hell on earth and God has seen how bad I've suffered the last few years. Surely he can understand that this is the only way it'll truly end. And I need it to end. I'm hurting and I need it to stop.

I'm broke and stuck with family so my options are severely limited. Hanging is everyone's go to but it HURTS like FUCK and I've barely been able to get light-headed much less pass out, so partial's totally out since it is so unreliable. Can't afford inert gas cuz that shit pricey and I can't just ask for money from friends and family just to off myself with it.

I guess this is just a vent-piece but any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

When I was a kid, I had asked my dad what it was like to die. His answer was "Do you remember the year 1922?" I of course said no. His answer was "well, it's just like that".

So if you believe in "non-existence", you won't know the difference.

 

[A_Breath_Away]

The way I see things is that after you're dead, you won't even know it. You can't even be scared or feel dread. Just—nothing. Why be scared of something you'll never experience? It's like being afraid that a shark will jump out of your toilet and gobble you up; technically it's scary, but it's never going to happen.

I hope your right. My mother keeps warning me about suicide. That I'll burn in hell and everything. But the way I see it: this life is hell. My existence has become hell. I feel like I'm just gonna have to take my chances.

When I was a kid, I had asked my dad what it was like to die. His answer was "Do you remember the year 1922?" I of course said no. His answer was "well, it's just like that".

So if you believe in "non-existence", you won't know the difference.

I think part of me holds out some hope of there being some sort of afterlife, y'know. Like reincarnation would be awesome. A chance to start over and do things differently. Not make the same mistakes. I wish I could be an animal like a dog or something. I know how far-fetched and stupid that sounds.

 

[Deepdense]

The last feeling you could ever lose is hope. If you still have fear then you still have some semblance of hope left.

 

[A_Breath_Away]

The last feeling you could ever lose is hope. If you still have fear then you still have some semblance of hope left.

But it's false hope. The thing about hope is that it'll drive you mad. And I've been down this road. This suffering isn't new. It's same shit, different day. And nothing feels good. Feels fun anymore with all this hanging over my head. I have no reason to exist other than fear. And I keep putting this shit off because I'm afraid I'll miss the sun rising or the birds chirping. Rain on the windowsill. Just simple pleasures.
The reason I fear non-existance is because existence is all I know.
I know that my end is soon. I just keep putting it off. Like taking the trash out. 'Eh, I'll do it tomorrow. What's one more day going to hurt?"

 

[Deepdense]

But it's false hope. The thing about hope is that it'll drive you mad. And I've been down this road. This suffering isn't new. It's same shit, different day. And nothing feels good. Feels fun anymore with all this hanging over my head. I have no reason to exist other than fear. And I keep putting this shit off because I'm afraid I'll miss the sun rising or the birds chirping. Rain on the windowsill. Just simple pleasures.
The reason I fear non-existance is because existence is all I know.
I know that my end is soon. I just keep putting it off. Like taking the trash out. 'Eh, I'll do it tomorrow. What's one more day going to hurt?"

You don't have to deal with all the big things, just start with the little things. Like waking up at a good time or seeing something beautiful. Going outside is also really helpful.

 

[A_Breath_Away]

You don't have to deal with all the big things, just start with the little things. Like waking up at a good time or seeing something beautiful. Going outside is also really helpful.

It's just I've fucked up my life so bad. So irreparably. And some things once broken can never truly be fixed. And I tell myself, "What's 20 seconds of pain vs. a lifetime of misery?" It's not taking the easy way out. It's taking the only way out.