New Years come and gone. Alone like always. Still playing the game. Anyone one else?

[RW__Asher23]

Yeah got 2 texts to say Happy New Year. Cheers! That was it. No one called send messages, IM's or anything else. The text asked if I would go watch fireworks? Replied sorry not feeling good. Enjoy yourself. Have fun. Play the game keeping up the smiles when I do see someone or talk to anyone. They are always like Hi how are you doing but really mean are you thinking of ctb now or lately? I just smile say Hey I good! Going out for dinner and library. Keep them from get any ideas. Just tired of being in pain and suffering so many years. Dr's say keep the faith it will get better. New meds come out all the time there may be one to help you soon. That is a lie! There is no med to fix a messed up life like mine. My ex wife tells my kids to stay away. He shot himself. My sister thinks I passed down mental health problems to my kids. They think I am dangerous due to the PTSD but they don't know the cause of it all only what they want to think so, I let them. I gave up that game long ago. I feel like I am the only one at times like that. Failed ctb in past and family disowned me after stay in hospital years ago after I shot myself. Well I tried. Sometimes I feel like I can't do anything right. I actually wanted someone to call stop by this New Years Eve. How stupid was that! My best friend died years ago. It's a struggle just to get through a day. PTSD brings Rape from past and memories of homelessness that led to that rape and then anxiety attacks those are fun. Ctb is still in plan. Really have only one place I can feel something close to okay about talking to anyone and it is sad because that place is here. My story is too long to post in short pieces. Like my life it is in Millions of pieces cant put it back together. Don't want to. Too many years and too much time and life wasted. My grand kids are the one thing that kept me here for years but now it is hard to do. Served our country in Air Force. Well that did not help me. Hell no! Introduced me to another kind of PTSD and then Depression. Well to all the rest of you here, I wish you , Peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

The way that I see it, there is nothing happy in any way about the start of a new year, the idea of that is so absurd to me, I find it dreadful how a new year has started in a world as horrific as this. But it does sound awful what you've been through, it makes sense why you would be so tired of it all as the reality is that existing really can be torture. I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.