never wanted to be here

[spoiledsick]

tired of typing out paragraphs and deleting them. nothing i have to say matters. no sense in trying to explain what i've lived through, trying to justify that i suffered enough. all i get met with is how other people have it worse, and look how well they are doing, how others have overcome similar problems i have. just makes me feel like more of a failure for not being able to fix my life.

microdosing death by sleeping 15+ hours a day, giving up on household chores, personal hygiene, lucky if i make one meal a day to feed my kids, maybe take a few bites myself, spend most of my awake time lying in bed/crying/lurking on this site. (my kids are pretty okay, they are big enough to take care of themselves, but there is a heavy weight of guilt on me for not being the mother they deserve.) trying to get them and my husband used to not having me around, having to do everything for themselves. i haven't worked in six months, can't imagine being able to hold down a job ever again.

often thought of running away. for a while when i was working i had a separate bank account and was trying to save money to get my own apartment and move out with my kids. ha, gave up on that dream. husband always threatened to ctb when i tried to leave in the past, says he'll do the same if i go out that way. i know we're codependent but he's the only person who has ever loved me, the only person who doesn't hate me, wants to help me, the only relationship i've ever been in. i hid the severity of my depression and suicidal ideation for 15 years from him. the dam broke and there is no going back to the fake-perfect life we used to have. and good riddance, bc that toxic positivity shit was killing me too.

the only help offered by my therapist was ~move to the women's shelter~ which is sooo helpful, why didn't i think of that genius idea!! or ask the relatives that physically, mentally, and verbally abused me throughout childhood if my kids and i can move in. (i did break down and break years of no-contact to ask my parents if they could help, of course fucking not, i am their mistake, why would they ever be able to provide me a modicum of support in life?)

just venting i guess, carrying all this stuff around in my head and my heart is doing a lot to me today.

 

[Zaragoza]

I feel your pain. Even though I'm a son to my parents, i understand how hard it is to have people who care about you and can't handle my sui. Unfortunately these people who care about us, will always look for a way to fix our lives but for me specifically, the only way is passing away. I'm very VERY tired of rotting all day and holding to this absolute shit life. I know things that i shouldn't know. I see things everyday that only worsen my mood. The feeling of not having any power even over my own death, hurts extremely bad. Hopefully one day we can go without having to deal with this guilt

 

[SeenMoreThanEnough]

tired of typing out paragraphs and deleting them. nothing i have to say matters. no sense in trying to explain what i've lived through, trying to justify that i suffered enough. all i get met with is how other people have it worse, and look how well they are doing, how others have overcome similar problems i have. just makes me feel like more of a failure for not being able to fix my life.

microdosing death by sleeping 15+ hours a day, giving up on household chores, personal hygiene, lucky if i make one meal a day to feed my kids, maybe take a few bites myself, spend most of my awake time lying in bed/crying/lurking on this site. (my kids are pretty okay, they are big enough to take care of themselves, but there is a heavy weight of guilt on me for not being the mother they deserve.) trying to get them and my husband used to not having me around, having to do everything for themselves. i haven't worked in six months, can't imagine being able to hold down a job ever again.

often thought of running away. for a while when i was working i had a separate bank account and was trying to save money to get my own apartment and move out with my kids. ha, gave up on that dream. husband always threatened to ctb when i tried to leave in the past, says he'll do the same if i go out that way. i know we're codependent but he's the only person who has ever loved me, the only person who doesn't hate me, wants to help me, the only relationship i've ever been in. i hid the severity of my depression and suicidal ideation for 15 years from him. the dam broke and there is no going back to the fake-perfect life we used to have. and good riddance, bc that toxic positivity shit was killing me too.

the only help offered by my therapist was ~move to the women's shelter~ which is sooo helpful, why didn't i think of that genius idea!! or ask the relatives that physically, mentally, and verbally abused me throughout childhood if my kids and i can move in. (i did break down and break years of no-contact to ask my parents if they could help, of course fucking not, i am their mistake, why would they ever be able to provide me a modicum of support in life?)

just venting i guess, carrying all this stuff around in my head and my heart is doing a lot to me today.

I know. It hurts so, so badly. I'm so sorry. I've been there before, am there now, and I empathize with you on the highest of levels. The world is a cruel, corrupt, uncaring place that is controlled by a select few..Most of us are only the 'cogs' that keep the hive 'running' to generate wealth for others. When you feel as alone as you described and have no one (other than your husband) who truly loves you for who you are, the dull ache in your heart is close to unbearable.

You do have value, though. Take things day by day. Venting is good, it's much better than holding everything in. I hope you feel less bad very soon.

 

[spoiledsick]

I feel your pain. Even though I'm a son to my parents, i understand how hard it is to have people who care about you and can't handle my sui. Unfortunately these people who care about us, will always look for a way to fix our lives but for me specifically, the only way is passing away. I'm very VERY tired of rotting all day and holding to this absolute shit life. I know things that i shouldn't know. I see things everyday that only worsen my mood. The feeling of not having any power even over my own death, hurts extremely bad. Hopefully one day we can go without having to deal with this guilt

thank you.

feels like i've spent my whole life trying to follow everyone's 'good advice' and every 'fix' has had the opposite effect, just endlessly fucking up my life.

faced with feeling so powerless, the act of controlling my own death is maybe the only power i'll ever have.

wishing you peace.

 

[Zaragoza]

thank you.

feels like i've spent my whole life trying to follow everyone's 'good advice' and every 'fix' has had the opposite effect, just endlessly fucking up my life.

faced with feeling so powerless, the act of controlling my own death is maybe the only power i'll ever have.

wishing you peace.

I absolutely relate to every word. Our survival instinct is the only reason that ctb is such a bad thing in society. Only if people could understand and normalize this, a lot of people would've been happier under the ground rather than rotting in their bed

 

[spoiledsick]

I know. It hurts so, so badly. I'm so sorry. I've been there before, am there now, and I empathize with you on the highest of levels. The world is a cruel, corrupt, uncaring place that is controlled by a select few..Most of us are only the 'cogs' that keep the hive 'running' to generate wealth for others. When you feel as alone as you described and have no one (other than your husband) who truly loves you for who you are, the dull ache in your heart is close to unbearable.

You do have value, though. Take things day by day. Venting is good, it's much better than holding everything in. I hope you feel less bad very soon.

thank you. yeah, i'm feel very uSeD-N-aBuSed by the cruel, uncaring machine of incarnation, that's for sure a big part of my pain. i feel inept for not being able to suck it up and keep pretending my pinterest perfect life was so great. even if i was able to process all my past trauma, i can't even see a future beyond that, where i am healed and healthy and happy. without that, it feels really difficult to keep going.

 

[jamie_]

microdosing death by sleeping 15+ hours a day, giving up on household chores, personal hygiene, lucky if i make one meal a day to feed my kids, maybe take a few bites myself, spend most of my awake time lying in bed/crying/lurking on this site. (my kids are pretty okay, they are big enough to take care of themselves, but there is a heavy weight of guilt on me for not being the mother they deserve.) trying to get them and my husband used to not having me around, having to do everything for themselves. i haven't worked in six months, can't imagine being able to hold down a job ever again

"microdosing death" is such a good description in understanding our mentality around depression and the things we do when depressed. I am totally the same. I am not alive anymore. My coping mechanism is to not do anything that resembles living because when I do the pain becomes unbearable.

 

[SeenMoreThanEnough]

thank you. yeah, i'm feel very uSeD-N-aBuSed by the cruel, uncaring machine of incarnation, that's for sure a big part of my pain. i feel inept for not being able to suck it up and keep pretending my pinterest perfect life was so great. even if i was able to process all my past trauma, i can't even see a future beyond that, where i am healed and healthy and happy. without that, it feels really difficult to keep going.

You're welcome. You aren't inept -- you're a human being who is probably 'too intelligent' to just go mindlessly bopping along with societies' requirements (as most do), watching their Netflix, consuming their goods, all the while being oblivious to the true 'goings on' (as most are) around you as you punch in and punch out each day in order to earn your eight+ hours of paid labour 'credits'...Only to come home and deal with a whole other subset of problems and challenges in your household. I get it. It's bad.. real bad. You can do it, though. Hang in there. I wish there was some magic phrase I could utter to make things better for you, and everyone else who is suffering so much. I hope you have a better day tomorrow. When you DO have a good day (and you WILL), try to build on it. Take care for now.

 

[spoiledsick]

"microdosing death" is such a good description in understanding our mentality around depression and the things we do when depressed. I am totally the same. I am not alive anymore. My coping mechanism is to not do anything that resembles living because when I do the pain becomes unbearable.

yeah, i feel you. haven't been alive for a long time. being puppeted around by forces unseen for longer than i can deem necessary. 'do nothing' has been my coping mechanism for many years now. the only 'nothing' left for me to do is to stop existing.

You're welcome. You aren't inept -- you're a human being who is probably 'too intelligent' to just go mindlessly bopping along with societies' requirements (as most do), watching their Netflix, consuming their goods, all the while being oblivious to the true 'goings on' (as most are) around you as you punch in and punch out each day in order to earn your eight+ hours of paid labour 'credits'...Only to come home and deal with a whole other subset of problems and challenges in your household. I get it. It's bad.. real bad. You can do it, though. Hang in there. I wish there was some magic phrase I could utter to make things better for you, and everyone else who is suffering so much. I hope you have a better day tomorrow. When you DO have a good day (and you WILL), try to build on it. Take care for now.

you are very kind.

i am not so much too intelligent, more like too stupid.

feel like i was born braindead, i have had very little interest in the trappings of society. felt blank inside for most of my life, and tend to project that on the world around me: extreme minimalism, little music/tv/movies/internet, few 'friendships' (irl or online) and was never able to fake the small talk water cooler culture of the workplace in order to advance in life like my family and peers.

just feels like there has always been something inherently wrong with me. and no way to fix it but to remove myself from the equation, since i am the common denominator in all my problems.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've also never wanted to be here in this world, at least in my case I could never do no matter what. But I think that it's true that so much of what we go through in life is determined by factors that are out of our control, and so many people suffer so much through no fault of their own. Suicide really is the way to take control over an existence that we never asked for and that's a reason as to why the thought of it is so appealing to me, I've always preferred the sound of ending this existence on my own terms rather than dying from other causes. Anyway, I hope that you eventually find freedom from your situation.

 

[spoiledsick]

Suicide really is the way to take control over an existence that we never asked for and that's a reason as to why the thought of it is so appealing to me, I've always preferred the sound of ending this existence on my own terms rather than dying from other causes.

this. yes. exactly this. thank you for saying it.